A PORTRAIT OF THE HACK AS A YOUNG MAN

Most writers have troubling childhoods that make them ponder, at an early age, weighty existential questions that most people don't confront until years later.

But hack writers generally hail from upper-middle class backgrounds, which gives them the time and leisure to ponder even weightier questions.

Most writers spend hours pouring over books, literature the only reprieve from their bleak existences.

Hack writers spend hours watching Sesame Street.

Most writers keep to themselves during their adolescent years, their alienation the perfect fuel for creative productivity.

Hack writers, on the other hand, creatively manipulate others into thinking for them.

In the end, all writers are thankful for their checkered pasts, for they know that each challenging episode, each trying experience, translates into a rich body of work.