A STEP TOO FAR

OK, so you're OLD. There are still things that you should never, ever do:

• Use the word "lover."
• Make people sign autographs.
• Order the Fish Fillet.
• Make advance Valentine's Day reservations for dinner and dancing at the Ritz-Carlton.
• Tell people the truth about what most people thought of Elvis back in the day.
• Refer to a table in a restaurant as "my table" even if it is, literally, your table.
• Drink powdered milk.
• Ache.
• Talk about aching.
• Attempt to appropriate the speech patterns of teenagers.
• Warn someone, "You're going to spoil your appetite."
• Smoke Kool Menthols.
• Crochet.