Wants: To wow you with his knowledge of current events.

Needs: To stop daydreaming about sleeping with Monica Lewinsky.

Mainly Concentrating On: Covering up his insecurity about his intelligence with more useless information and bad jokes.

Benefits: Spending time with him is like watching Entertainment Tonight.

Drawbacks: Watching Entertainment Tonight is like eating a dozen stale powdered doughnuts and then vomiting all over your brand new shoes.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He owns a Princess Di Beanie Baby, purportedly for "collecting" purposes only.

THE MOVER/SHAKER

Wants: To adequately express to you the overwhelming importance of what he does every single day.

Needs: To have his little soliloquies recorded and played back to him so he can grasp just how ridiculous he sounds.

Mainly Concentrating On: What an incredible impact his actions have on the world.

Benefits: Talks about his job like it's an episode of American Gladiators.

Drawbacks: He doesn't have big man-titties like those gladiator guys do.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Sometimes, when he's feeling tired or has a head cold, he has trouble focusing on what a big fucking deal he is.

THE SNAKE/CHARMER

Wants: To make you laugh, smile, and just generally adore him.

Needs: A conscience.

Mainly Concentrating On: How in love with him you must be by now.

Benefits: Hilarious. Clever. Attentive. He'll charm the pants off you.

Drawbacks: He'll also charm the pants off her. And her. Also, her.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: His eyebrows grow together if he doesn't wax them regularly.

MR. FLINCHY

Wants: A close relationship that doesn't require him to call you his girlfriend.

Needs: To grow up and stop being such a selfish shit.

Mainly Concentrating On: How what you just said hints at the notion that you might have expectations of him that he is in no way prepared, at this particular juncture, to fulfill.

Benefits: Intelligent. Funny. Easily manipulated with classic hard-to-get behavior.

Drawbacks: Ambivalent about sex. Moody. Harder to pin down than a crack-addled squirrel. In other words, pure hell.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: When he was little, he had a huge crush on Freddy Mercury.