Listless Guests

In most cases, all Jerry's guests bring to the stage is their predictable unpredictability and a motley medley of gangsta taunts and talk-show body-language clichés. Unfortunately, you get what you pay for, and whatever Springer's producers are paying, it's not enough. Only society's poorest, stupidest, most downtrodden, dignity-free outcasts are willing to sell themselves out so cheaply, and as a result, the show ends up recycling an extremely limited set of depressingly disenfranchised archetypes. With a little financial commitment, however, a wider variety of guests could easily be persuaded to appear on the show:

Wilde Thing

While Jerry's bodyguards are obviously skilled practitioners of their art, they only reinforce the notion that the best way to "score points" on the show is through brute violence. To help change this perception, Springer should replace his bouncers with Oscar Wilde-quoting literature professors who could help guests devise the occasional clever rejoinder instead of merely elephant-rushing their rivals 17 times in 20 minutes.

Deaf Jam!

Recently, controversy erupted when a pair of crusading senators discovered that the Education Department indirectly funds the closed-captioning of The Jerry Springer Show. It's hard not to sympathize with the senators' outrage - indeed, why close-caption a show whose goal is to be interesting with the sound off? On the other hand, it seems cruel to exclude deaf people from the pleasures of Springer. What to do? Elevate deaf people from viewers to guests, a win-win solution that adds a compelling new visual twist to otherwise repetitive name-calling.

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