"Not like I care much for such lame assholes,
But when you were younger, I brought nothing but coal!"
So onto the floor the tall dollars did pile,
And though they were not loved, the Fish and Hack smiled.

They smiled and they counted and counted and grinned,
Because Santa brought them much cash, though they'd sinned.
They were rolling in cash because when they were boys,
Black lumps of coal had been their only toys.

Our heroes were planning how to spend their dough,
When Santa took leave with his cronies in tow.
But I heard Santa say, as he veered through the silt,
"Chalk another one up to good ol' Christian guilt!"