DISCLAIMER: Despite the farcical scenes depicted in this cartoon, cheerleaders are not generally called on to perform oral sex on the football team — at least they weren't back in the late '80s. Certain cheerleaders might have ended up blowing some members of the football team, but certainly not in any school-supported, sanctioned capacity. It may have even occurred on school grounds, but it wasn't an official event, and whether or not it added to the overall "pep" of that member of the team, who can say? The dirty little slut involved might be able to tell us more about it, but who's naming names? Tamara Wilkins probably has a nice husband and a family now, so who would plague her with mean-spirited gossip at this late date, right? Anyway, look, sorry about this cartoon. It really is late; we're way behind deadline. If we had a better editor, we might have gotten it together a lot sooner, but that good-for-nothing bastard does nothing but meddle in areas that are none of his business, all the while shooting down our best ideas, so what choice do we have, really? But we'll cut it out now. No more shortcuts and cheap tricks, from now on. No more pointless, go-nowhere jokes that refer back to pointless, go-nowhere jokes from the beginning of the column. No sir. From now on, you'll only find bulletproof concepts and insights into the human condition and thought-provoking yet utterly hilarious narratives, and nothing less.

Dear Polly,

If you had to make a T-shirt for the band "Dead Can Dance," what would it say on it?

Joe Johnson <joej@hotmail.com>

Dear Joe,

It would say "Dead Can Dance" on the front and "Deadheads Can't" on the back. Isn't that a hoot? I mean, Deadheads are really bad dancers, aren't they? Can't pretty much everyone agree on that? That's what makes it so gosh darn funny!

Polly