How to Make the Balance of Your Irrelevant Time on Earth Pass More Quickly

Choose one of the following methods for speeding the passage of time until you'll no longer have to struggle with the question of your own insignificance.

1. Tell yourself that love conquers all. Then look for love in all the wrong places. Then find it. Then lose it. Then mourn its loss. Then find it again. Then lose it again. Poof! Time's up!

2. Decide that what's really important in life is family. Have kids. Spend all your time and energy trying not to screw them up as badly as your parents screwed you up. Fail anyway. Time's up!

3. Focus on your career goals. Make sure that you'll stop at nothing to achieve success in your field. Achieve some success in your field. Focus on becoming even more successful. Become more successful. Decide that success in your field really doesn't add up to much. Game over!

4. Determine that your look is hopelessly outdated. Update your look. Collect porcelain figurines. Shop for a new home. Redecorate your home. Renovate. Build an addition. Do the crossword. Plan to take a safari trip in Africa. Oops! Time's up, folks!

5. Become a Jets fan. Watch every Jets football game this season, hoping that they'll make it to the Super Bowl. Oops. Well, maybe next year. Watch every Jets football game the next year. Ooops. Maybe next time. Ooops. There's always next year. Oops. Oops. Ooops. Oh. Too bad. Ooops. Hmm. There's always next year. Oops. Oh well. Ooops. Oops. Ouch. Ooops. Ooops. Oh. Huh. Um. Oops. Oops. Oh well. Bummer. Oops. Oops. Oh. Oops. Um. Oops. Ugh. Huh. Oops. Oops. Time's up.