Q: Why are you so smug and insensitive?

A: When life gives you a good reason to be smug, you take advantage of it.

Q: Maybe that's what drives online investors — the opportunity to be smug about it when their hunches pay off and they make a big bundle of money doing nothing. They like to gloat and throw their superiority in people's faces.

A: I'm the one with the insights around here, you got that? I'm the boss here. Have I made that perfectly clear? You're just a stooge, a foil. Understand? Good. Now let's have another bland question that showcases my vast talents and enlightening perspectives.

Q: What's your favorite part of the online investing phenomenon?

A: Those people who tell you, in painstaking detail, all about how they were so smart and clairvoyant that they almost bought eBay at $8, and if they had followed the good information coming from their huge brains, they'd be millionaires right now.

Q: What's that quote, the one by someone right before the stock market crash that brought on the Great Depression?

A: Oh yeah, he said something like, "When my shoeshine boy gave me a hot stock tip, I knew it was time to sell."

Q: Maybe you should look that up so we can include the actual quote here.

A: Maybe you should do it.

Q: Do you think inflated markets are caused by lazy investors?

A: Probably, but I'm too lazy to gather enough information to really know one way or another.

Q: What characteristic most typifies chronic online investors?

A: An inability to learn from their mistakes. No matter how many times they screw up, they just can't see the writing on the wall. I mean, the signs are all over the place, but they choose to ignore them. I just can't relate to that at all, personally. I invest online in very small amounts because it's fun. But I know when to say when.

Q: What will you do if the stock market crashes and everyone loses half their money?

A: First I'll be worried about what little money I have that's getting cut in half. Then I'll laugh at the super rich people who really lose the farm. Then I'll feel kind of guilty for laughing. Then I'll buy some stocks.