Wants: To pretend he's naive for a second, just because it'll seem kind of cute, given what an obviously sophisticated, unforgiving perspective he has on the silly mortals around him

Needs: To indulge in cheesy good cheer and foolish optimism for once in his nit-picky life

Mainly Concentrating On: Identifying those parts of your thought process which he finds somewhat unoriginal, vaguely ill-considered, or unbearably cliché

Benefits: Will cheerfully dissect everything you put before him with the vitriolic enthusiasm of a guest speaker on Crossfire

Drawbacks: Looks like a guest speaker on Crossfire

Fun: Feisty! Principled! He won't suspend his disbelief, even for a second!

Not-so-Fun: Sex without suspension of disbelief is like listening to the Grateful Dead when you're not stoned.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Wore his Superman Underoos to school in second grade.

With Him, You'll Be: Even more cynical than you are now. Love. Woo-hoo.

Tune in next week to find out which evil harlots will make you deeply unhappy henceforth!