Wants: So very many things, most of them incredibly urgent, causing everything to change for the worst almost immediately if action isn't taken right now, and really it's so sad how few people actually care or even know anything about any of these things

Needs: To wash down a hamburger with a six-pack of Coors and then throw the little plastic thing into a lake, where it's certain to kill several small birds that are particularly vulnerable to extinction

Mainly Concentrating On: What kind of a fucked up person would think that last item was remotely amusing

Benefits: Your political awareness, vitamin intake, and charitable contributions will increase by proxy, thereby reducing paralyzing guilt and leaving you free to show your face in public without feeling like a pox on humanity.

Drawbacks: This feeling isn't strong enough to overcome the frustration you'll experience when you can't eat a genetically altered vegetable or make a little joke about some woman's ass or dump some toxins into a freshwater stream every now and then.

Fun: Ordering the veal, just to see the look on her face

Not-So-Fun: The one-flush-per-week rule in her bathroom

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She switched her money out of a Social Choice account when she decided the returns were too low.

With Her, You'll Be: Totally censored, yearning to breathe free and tell the one about what the two little Indians said to the one-legged Jewish donkey whore

THE DOUGH GIRL

Wants: To shop and do lunch and redecorate and visit the spa and just relax for once!

Needs: To get a good job so she can afford all that shit

Mainly Concentrating On: Whether or not she should continue dating someone who has the gall to take her to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner

Benefits: Pretty, traditional, adorably girlish, a total sweetheart

Drawbacks: Once you're engaged, say goodbye to Little Miss Sunshine.

Fun: Cuts and colors and manicures and Brazilian waxes! Yum!

Not-So-Fun: Before long, those staggering beauty maintenance bills will be forwarded straight to your mailbox. Yuck!

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She writes letters to InStyle magazine that say things like, "Which moisturizer does Heather Locklear use? Her skin always looks so radiant!"

With Her, You'll Be: Broke