Yes, there is an alternative to writing thank-you notes and polishing silver until you're too arthritic to move. You can ditch your little honey and move to the big city to hang out with effete, cynical creeps who consider themselves above mainstream America. Think: Dorothy Parker, but with less looks, less money, and a lot less talent. You'll chain-smoke, you'll be tragically aware of the sad nihilism of the family structure, and you'll love your friendly cats much more than your catty friends.

Just think, you'll never have to share or be polite or take responsibility for anyone but yourself. You can remain thrillingly alienated and self-conscious and aloof indefinitely, just like a teenager! That self-righteousness will be quite a comfort later on in life.