The Sucksters finally got ahold of Keyes' Southern California itinerary a week before that state's primary election, and after a red-eye flight from hell (thanks a lot, Priceline) I was soon on the campaign trail!

This alleged itinerary led me to places I'd NEVER visit otherwise — country clubs, Christian universities, radical right fund-raisers, etc. — all populated with super-polite, squeaky clean "Stepford Humans." I felt like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone, although I really can't complain about how POLITE everyone is in this world. It's very seductive and... well, cult-like!