SEPARATE ALL-GAY MILITARY FORCES!

Keeping gays out of the military is wrong, but it's still extremely dangerous for a homosexual to serve. Why not create extra-special special forces populated solely by gays, designed to take advantage of their unique skills and capabilities?

THE MARTHA STEWART PRISON FOR PERFECTIONISTS!

Send your compulsive perfectionist friends to Martha Stewart's new high-security prison, where they'll spend months decorating with linen, forcing bulbs, creating tasteful outdoor lighting, and piping vegetables with flavored cream cheese until they're crying out against the fascist perfectionism of their tyrannical overlord. That's right, when your once-neurotic friend gets back from Martha's prison, we guarantee she'll take her bra off through her arm holes and throw it on the floor, put her muddy boots on the couch, and eat bean dip straight out of the can, or you get your money back, no questions asked!