THE JEW

Characteristics:

• Has decent relationships with ever-so-slightly tweaked goys, then finds a nice Jewish girl and settles down

• Has a great career that sometimes stinks, but whatever, such is life

• Makes friends easily and keeps them, except for that one rat bastard whose name he can't even speak for fear his tongue falls off

Has The Ego Strength To:

• Compliment others loudly, insistently, and very sincerely

• Remain in monogamous relationship, as long as she's Jewish, and easy on the eyes

• Refer to self as "a total wreck, as always, but hey, who isn't?"

Has The Energy To:

• Read voraciously

• Make good money

• Call his mother every week

• Raise good kids who wear the ugliest clothes, but all the kids are wearing that crap, and they're good kids, so you let it go

• Plan big get-togethers with friends and family even though most of them drive him fucking nuts, but it wouldn't be fun if they didn't, right? Ok, maybe it would be more fun, but what choice do you have, really?

Mainly Concerned With: Figuring out what Joe Lieberman's appointment will mean. Will Jews get blamed if Gore loses? Oy, just think of all the anti-Semitic invective to come!

Most Serious Challenge: Sticking to a low-cholesterol diet so he doesn't get heart trouble like his father's brother, and almost every other guy in his dad's family, the poor bastards

Response to the Statement "I Hate You": "I knew you were an anti-Semitic bastard the first time I laid eyes on you."