ETHNIC TYPES

Here is the general rule in drawing funny ethnic types: The whiter they are, the more you can get away with.

Warning: You can get into a great deal of trouble with your depictions of ethnic types. Most people will decry your use of stereotypes — unless they are complimentary and therefore acceptable. (For example, If you draw a strapping, strong-jawed Irish cop, you're safe as long as he's not shown as a drunk beating his wife. In that case you can expect a bomb in the mail.)

GERMANS — Draw them as anything from a bald-headed, bespectacled rocket scientist (preferably in a lab coat before a chalkboard with a diagram full of crooked dotted lines) to a beer-swilling, sausage-gobbling Nazi type. You can pretty much get away with anything; they lost the war.

SCOTS — A stocky, bearded, redhead in a plaid skirt. Enough said.

IRISH — See introductory copy above. To draw the Black Irish, just think of a human version of a ventriloquist's dummy.

ENGLISH — Crooked nose, crooked teeth (you can make their teeth just about whatever color you wish), and big ears. Dress them as garishly as possible; English style is on a par with English cuisine.

FRENCH — Just draw an Englishman with a moustache instead of bad teeth. Add a beret and a dog if you want. They all smoke and don't bathe (see Body Functions above). It's OK to make fun of the French; everyone does.

ITALIANS — Black hair (lots of it, men and women both) and hand gestures will get you through. You can draw Mafiosi but not to the exclusion of all else if you value your thumbs, which the cartoonist must in order to make a living.

CANADIANS — Think "plaid".

ASIANS — Straight, black hair and slanted eyes are unbeatable, as are those round glasses. But always avoid the buckteeth. If your cartoon style is dominated by big noses, be aware that all your Asians will look Japanese or like squinting Europeans.

MEXICANS — Be prudent in your depictions of Mexicans (no sombrero-wearing peons sleeping under cacti), especially if you live in one of the breakaway republics of the southwestern US.

INDIANS — A white person with black hair and a really dark suntan with some sort of dot on the forehead is all you need.

AMERICAN INDIANS — Long, black, braided hair and never, ever any facial hair. Think about it: Have you ever seen an Indian with a beard?

ARABS — Not all Arabs have big noses and a pointed Van Dyke. Omit the beard.

POLYNESIANS — Think "flowered shirts and grass skirts." Think "big men." No, think "HUGE men."

ABORIGINES — Who draws Aborigines?

AFRICANS — Draw them tall and athletic and you're on safe ground. Resist any temptation to enhance the size of lips or rear ends; you're just asking for trouble.

AMERICANS — Just take any of the types described above and dress them in blue jeans, a baseball cap, and ugly running shoes and you're there.

NOTE: If, even after following the guidelines given above, you still get yourself into hot water with your depictions of Ethnic Types just say, "I was being ironic." This argument won't necessarily assuage your critics, but you'll feel less guilty.