Just before being seated for the telecast, I stumbled upon an invitation-only "Southern States Party," an annual pre-pageant to-do made up of the delegations from the former Confederacy (segregation is still their thing, apparently). Still, the bespeckled war nerds done up in full Confederate military regalia were about as effective at guarding the door as they were at winning a war of secession, since I had no trouble sneaking my Yankee ass past them and carpetbagging my way to some free food and drinks.

Pageants are a BIG DEAL to these Southerners, and it shows. Everyone at this party was dressed to the nines, and absolutely giddy with excitement. Most of their contestants still sport that traditional "pageant look" as well: tiny up-turned noses, hairspray-heavy 'dos; and they all exhibit that southern belle "I simply ADORE your dress!" demeanor that reeks of insincerity even when they're being sincere.

They also hoot and holler like crazy for Their Girls whenever the spotlight is on one of them, as if they were at a college football game. While Miss Kentucky was answering a question during the telecast about AIDS Awareness she was drowned out by her own cheering section, as they blew whistles and shouted "Go, Kentucky! Woof! Woof! Woof!"