Fred

The other day, I received a very special invitation in the mail. It was addressed Dear Friend. It said I was among a very select group of people. I always find it rather interesting when people I don't actually know from places I've never actually visited come into this knowledge.

This invitation was from none other than Fred. Frederick J. Simon, Owner to be exact. Oh come on, you know Fred.....Fred Simon...of the Omaha Simons?

Well, OK, maybe Fred isn't exactly a house hold name, but the man is a clairvoyant for Christ sake. Fred knew all kinds of things about me. He knew that I liked to "..travel in style, eat in fine restaurants and appreciated the difference between dinner at a four star restaurant and a sandwich on the run." When I read that, I got a chill. He knew intimate details about me and it started to really creep me out. Who's been talking to Fred I wondered? I started to think of anyone I knew that had traveled to Omaha lately, but I drew a blank.

Fred knew that of course I knew that "it wasn't unusual to pay a day's wages for a steak dinner." Let's see....now he knows how much I make a day? And although Fred had me there for a while, obviously Fred doesn't have my job. Either he's a completely insane man who has nothing but money to throw away eating steak dinners or, I'm in the wrong line of work. Anyway, this invitation, with all it's clairvoyance and familiarity, was an invitation for meat.

Oh, but not just any meat, hell no. It was for "...steaks you never on earth could get at any supermarket, steaks most restaurants can't even buy because there just aren't enough of them to go around." Apparently we have some kind of meat shortage I don't know about.

Fred wants me to try some of his Boneless New York Strips. According to Fred, they are the "very stakes I'll find in the very best New York Steakhouses." He goes so far as to say he's "prepared to do what he has to convince me they are the gourmet treat of a lifetime."

Well, OK. Now who among us, not counting the lacto-ovo, fruititarian, vegan and regular vegetarians, not to mention the plain no red meat people, can say that a statement like that wouldn't pique their interest.

Fred wants to thrill me with 4, 8oz New York Strip steaks, which have been flash frozen, packed in dry ice, and shipped to me in a reusable, insulated cooler for 52 bucks. And as a special gift, Fred has included a discount certificate for 32.01 which means, those steaks will only cost me 19.99 plus shipping and handling. And, I get 6 steak burgers absolutely free.

Tempting offer. Fred goes on to explain how his cattle is grain fed. Into my mind comes a soft spring day on the plains, cattle scattered for miles around, munching on golden stalks of wheat and grain. It's a lovely picture. These are Fred's cattle. I close my eyes and wonder what someone else, say his name is Herb, I wonder what his cattle are eating. The only thing that comes to mind is.....grain. OK, so maybe it's special grain that Fred gets for his special cattle.

Fred claims that his steaks "are more tender than any I'll find at a grocery store, and that the tenderness comes from the slow, natural aging." Again, I close my eyes and form a picture. But it's not the picture of happy cattle grazing and nuzzling each other, happy to be Fred's cattle. No, it's footage from a 20/20 special about how they mass produce and handle veal. I suppose if I was chained to a 2 by 2 cubical and couldn't walk around, I'd be tender too.

OK, so for 52 bucks, I can have 4 8 oz strip steaks packed in ice and hermetically sealed in some polyethylene plastic sent to me plus shipping