LITTLE MISS UNDERSTOOD

Wants: For you to grasp the enormity and complexity of her issues so you can more effectively meet her every need

Needs: To double up on therapy and get the fuck out of your face

Mainly Concentrating On: How that look on your face suggests that you have a problem with empathy, which really sets off a strong emotional response in her thanks to the fact that her mother called her a "drama queen" and a "whiny little pain in the ass" when she was just hurting and really needed to process her emotions in a safe environment

Benefits: She's pretty reasonable, once you realize she's just hurting and needs to process her emotions in a safe environment

Drawbacks: That "safe environment" sounds about as fun as a the waiting room at a free clinic for venereal diseases

Fun: No more of those typical womanly secrets and lies. This gal's an open book!

Not-So-Fun: You tend to fall asleep whenever you read it.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Her daddy didn't drink Jack Daniels or own a BB gun — she's confusing her past with something she saw in an Afterschool Special.

With Her, You'll Be: An insensitive pig

TOUGH GIRL

Wants: A guy who's independent and can take care of himself and isn't secretly looking for a Mommy to wipe his ass for him

Needs: To stop blaming you for showing any hint of emotion just because she doesn't allow herself that luxury

Mainly Concentrating On: How you need to get off your pussy ass and stop whining about your life like you're absolutely powerless to change it

Benefits: Independent, strong-willed, smart

Drawbacks: About as nurturing as a wire monkey

Fun: Has tantalizing stories about her past "experimenting" with women!

Not-So-Fun: When you urge her to tell you those stories, in intricate detail, she barks, "Oh, go rent some porn, you pathetic little perv!"

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She wrote a love letter to Donnie Osmond when she was 7.

With Her, You'll Be: Submissive, cringing

Next... Jealousy, look at me now.