PARTY GIRL

Wants: To have fun!

Needs: A bra with that shirt

Mainly Concentrating On: How maybe there's too much tequila in this margarita, seeing as how it's her fourth, but oh well, how often are you out, eating Mexican food, on a sunny Friday afternoon? Pretty often, actually, but still, what the hell?

Drawbacks: Trying to have a serious conversation with her is as like trying to discuss Nietzsche with a third grader.

Benefits: Third graders are a lot more fun than people who discuss Nietzsche.

Fun: At any given party, she knows the hostess, the promoter, the bassist and lead singer in the band, and this doctor who makes ecstasy so that it's 100% safe.

Not-So-Fun: Holding her hand while she lays with her cheek on the toilet seat, crying about her dog that died when she was 10.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: Last year at Burning Man, she had sex with a guy covered in blue paint while she was on acid, because he convinced her that together they could see, once and for all, if yellow and blue really do make green.

With Her, You'll Be: Hungover and jealous

MISS JEALOUSY

Wants: To convince you that you're a complete jerk just for ever having dated your exgirlfriend, who obviously still wants you — but you'd better not talk to her, ever, or else!

Needs: Some pursuit or pastime that can effectively take her mind off utterly futile attempts to stir up drama where there is none

Mainly Concentrating On: How her body is way, way better than that your stupid exgirlfriend's and how she totally doesn't get why you ever went out with her, she's so stuck-up and she talks like she knows everything, in fact Suzanne said that she ran into her and she looked really chubby and she was totally standoffish and rude, which is so typical of her

Benefits: She can pull drama out of mundane interactions better than Steven Bochco.

Drawbacks: If you don't password-protect your email, you'll have a female Andy Sipowitz breathing down your neck.

Fun: Watching Temptation Island together. It's her very favorite show!

Not-So-Fun: Being grilled on which of those dirty harlots you would choose, if you were there, and you'd probably love being there, wouldn't you? Fucking covetous bastard.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: She sent a female friend of yours an email warning her to keep her filthy press-on nails the fuck away from you.

With Her, You'll Be: Obsessed with cheating, and secretly hoping she's right that your exgirlfriend still wants you

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon

Polly Esther