Information Underload Fond recollections of loss-of-innocence experiences... The day we discovered you can never win a game of three-card monte. The day we realized that Santa was less demigod than desperate creation of the Coca-Cola corporation. The day we were told that our young SWF AOL paramour was really a grossly overweight, middle-aged database consultant named Harold. Five years ago today in Suck.

THE VIRTUAL THERAPIST

The Virtual Therapist is the perfect solution for those who want to rationalize their basest desires and their most undisciplined moments without the staggering expense and awkward silences common to interacting with a real therapist.

The Virtual Therapist responds to each comment or statement with supportive, comforting words and pure, unadulterated empathy. And unlike real therapists, who can be taken to court where they might reveal embarrassing or litigable details about your life, The Virtual Therapist keeps your secrets 100% safe!

Just switch among The Virtual Therapist's three settings, depending on your needs for the day: Guilt-Reducing, Touchy-Feely, and Easy Advice.

Guilt-Reducing

• "I can completely understand why you did that. I would've done the same thing!"
• "We ALL lose our tempers and break things occasionally. Don't waste another second thinking about it."
• "So you had a dozen or so drinks. Sounds like you really needed to get fall-down drunk, you know?"
• "Violence is sometimes warranted, don't you think?"

Touchy-Feely

• "You poor, poor, poor thing. You poor little baby!"
• "Wow. I bet that really triggered your issues. "
• "Anyone who doesn't completely understand and accept you isn't worth a minute of your precious time."

Easy Advice

• "I think you should ask yourself what YOU want, and then do exactly that."
• "I wouldn't change a thing. What's easiest is usually best."
• "Have you tried just hanging up on her, then taking your phone off the hook?"
• "Ok, here's the plan. When you get home, I want you to order a pizza, then pour yourself a few shots of Tequila, and I want you to put on that porn tape you told me about — Blondes Who Like to Suck Cock? Was that it?"

Next...Got high apple pie in the sky hopes?