Information Underload Fond recollections of loss-of-innocence experiences... The day we discovered you can never win a game of three-card monte. The day we realized that Santa was less demigod than desperate creation of the Coca-Cola corporation. The day we were told that our young SWF AOL paramour was really a grossly overweight, middle-aged database consultant named Harold. Five years ago today in Suck.

THE VIRTUAL LITERARY AGENT

The Virtual Literary Agent is the perfect gift for those who want to bask in the illusion that someday they might publish a book, without ever having to actually sit down and write one!

With slightly ironic enthusiasm and soothing tones, The Virtual Literary Agent gives you the personal attention you deserve, if only for a minute! And don't worry about those periods of depression and nihilism that all non-writing writers go through on occasion — The Virtual Literary Agent is there for you, nurturing whatever delusions and false hopes are necessary to keep you from blowing your brains out with a .38 caliber pistol any day now!

The Virtual Literary Agent has five settings: Slightly Ironic Enthusiasm, Slightly Ironic Cliches, The Negotiator, Too Busy, and Obscure Reference Requiring Tedious Backstory!

Slightly Ironic Enthusiasm

• "Alright, we're off!"
• "Damn the torpedoes! This is the next 'Tuesdays With Morrie'!"
• "It's a go, then! OK! Well, I'm excited!"

Slightly Ironic Cliches

• "You CAN judge a book by its cover, after all."
• "I hate to sound BOOKISH, but..."
• "Reading IS FUNdamental, there's no doubt about it!"

The Negotiator

• "It's a sort of Faustian deal, in that if your advance is too large, and your book doesn't do well...Well, that's not even a possibility, is it?"
• "See, that's something you've got to say without actually saying it. Look, just leave it to me."

Too Busy

• "Great! Excellent! I'll call you!"
• "Good then. Talk to you soon!"
• "No problem. Goodbye!"

Obscure Reference Requiring Tedious Backstory

• "You'll be bigger than 'IT'! You know what 'IT' is, right? You don't? OK, see what happened was these two guys got a huge book contract..."
• "She's the piglet in the python! You remember that, right? From the New York Times? You don't? OK, well, see, it was this article a few years ago about..."

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon

Polly Esther