MEN TO AVOID!

Don't talk to these men. Don't even look at them.

MR. FUCKING COOL

Wants: A new Range Rover, chartreuse corduroy pants, and the new Portishead CD.

Needs: To move to Kansas and recover from his hip-guy disease.

Mainly Concentrating On: Whether or not you're cool enough to hang with.

Benefits: Gets invited to exclusive hip-hop parties where lots of other hot men hang out.

Drawbacks: They're all just like him.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He's not talking about Beastie Boy Mike D, but Mike DeAngelo, a friend of his from high school.

MR. SLACKASS

Wants: A nap.

Needs: A triple latté, health insurance, and a long, sober discussion about the cold, hard facts.

Mainly Concentrating On: Planning how to move in with you without your realizing it.

Benefits: Think: House-husband.

Drawbacks: Think: Dirty diapers everywhere and Bozo asleep on the couch.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He applied for a job at Starbucks two months ago and didn't get it.

FRAT BOY

Wants: To party hard with his boys and then maybe get some ass.

Needs: To get hazed all over again.

Mainly Concentrating On: Whether or not the fact that you're listening to him means that he's gonna get laid.

Benefits: None.

Drawbacks: As countless as the stars in the sky.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He truly believes size doesn't matter.

MOCK-ROCK STAR

Wants: A new Strat with easier action and a smaller neck.

Needs: Guitar lessons.

Mainly Concentrating On: How to snake out of your date so he can get back and record the tune that's floating through his head.

Benefits: Sings with the sexy earnestness of Kurt Cobain.

Drawbacks: He's not Kurt Cobain.

Deepest, Darkest Secret: He saw Rattle and Hum (the U2 movie) on opening night.

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