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PRETENSION: THE BASICS! (cont.)


3. Have a Funky Apartment!


Here's how!

Go to one of those used furniture stores, the ones with the shitty furniture from the '70s that's marked up to '90s prices! Pick out the ugliest, most outrageous stuff, preferrably in powder blue or avocado, and pay way, way, way too much for it! Voila! Instant cool!



4. Stay Abreast of the Latest Trends!


Here's how!

Subscribe to lots of stupid magazines and breeze through them now and then. Just make sure never to actually read anything, or you'll waste a huge amount of your life on worthless annoying trivia.

Then, throw out those worthless-conversation-inciting opinions as needed! For example:

Meg Ryan: I hate her!

Minnie Driver seems a little bitter, doesn't she?

Matt Damon is a frat boy

Frances McDormand is so great!

words
Polly Esther

pictures
Terry Colon

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