He Hardly Works for His Money

Does any talk show host have it easier than Jerry Springer? As his guests slap and grapple, as his brainwashed audience claps on command and chants "Jerry, Jerry, Jerry" like an overgrown flock of autistic parrots, Springer just stands there and makes corny jokes every once in a while. Sure, he's sacrificed the integrity of his hair for his career (as his show has gotten more outrageous, his coiffure has grown oddly fluffier and brassier), but other than that, what? How is it that this exceptionally talented man, who's achieved success in a half-dozen diverse careers, barely even contributes to the show that bears his name? Clearly, he can do more:

Tell Him that You're Always Going to Love Him

Instead of Final Thoughts, which Springer just cribs from old Hallmark cards anyway, the accomplished rock 'n' roll crooner should deliver Vinyl Thoughts, spectacularly choreographed period-piece renditions of archetypal girl-group relationship songs.

Too Hot for TV, Just Right for Hookers

Recruiting melon-chested Chicago-area sex workers for the show is a challenge that requires the entire Springer staff to pitch in and help out. How can Jerry contribute? By tattooing the show's toll-free 800 number on his stomach.