2. Undermine your own authority.

3. Embrace sentimentality.

4. Do things you know you'll regret.

5. Examine the ugly underbelly of life.

6. Cover the ugly underbelly of life with Cover Girl Clean Makeup by Noxema.

7. Get defensive.

8. Insert foot in mouth.

9. Fake remorse.

10. Conclude that no one understands anything.

11. Accumulate dust bunnies.

12. Appreciate gripers until they start griping about you.

13. Revel in the fake without becoming preoccupied with authenticity.

14. Sit on your ass, and eat powdered doughnuts.

15. Don't be afraid to love that which is neither a timeless classic nor so-bad-it's-good.

16. Remember that people who live in $1 million stucco houses can always get stoned.

17. Avoid novelty bars.

18. Distrust those who collect anything other than Star Wars action figures.

19. Confront the passive-aggressive.

20. Never trust the word noncomodegenic.

21. Show off.

22. Discuss your superiority over elitists.

23. Encourage slutdom.

24. Explain that you've changed drastically since then, no matter whether "then" was a year ago or last week.

25. Don't let anyone second-guess your real intentions.

26. Second-guess your real intentions.

27. Order anything on the menu that has beets in it.

28. Get teary-eyed during previews for movies you'll never go see.

29. Intimidate with vulnerability.

30. Undermine with affection.

31. Suffer fools gladly.

32. Rush in.

33. Pout with impunity.

34. Overstay your welcome.

35. Hold the faults of those you love in higher regard than their good qualities.

36. Take the risk of behaving in ways that reassure your detractors that they were right about you all along.

37. Provoke the threatened.

38. Ignore the combative.

39. Indulge in vanity while you can.

40. Be firm about your right to be wishy-washy.

41. Turn the screw.

42. Tame the shrew.

43. Stew in your own juices.

44. Drink coffee.

45. Try that 24-ounce frozen one with double the caffeine and half the sweetener.

46. Befriend only those whom you can insult with reckless abandon.

47. Allude to a greater understanding without necessarily possessing it.

48. If life gives you lemons, whatever you do, don't make lemon squares, because they suck.

49. Take advantage of captive audiences.

50. Publicize your shortcomings.

51. Overdo it.

52. Eat melted cheese.

53. Decide you're a genius.

54. Embarrass yourself.

55. Remember, they're just jealous.