1. d
2. d
3. d
4. d
5. e

Here's the thing: Steve is very picky. Steve likes very, very attractive women, despite the fact that he himself is no rock star. In order for Steve to like you, you must be very, very attractive and very, very smart and live in Seattle. You also have to be a woman, since Steve is too rigidly heterosexual to open himself up to the world of men. "Steve's gay!" you're thinking. Steve is most definitely not gay. Steve is too stinky and unkempt and sullen and has too little pride in himself to be gay, which is funny, since shockingly few women find Steve remotely attractive.

Distinguish yourself from the masses! Fall in love with Steve!

Just email Polly at polly@thesuck.net and tell her why Steve was meant to be your little bitch. Or if you're not the one for Steve, tell whoever is to email Polly immediately. There may be only one of you out there.

Now be honest. Do you find yourself wondering what you could ever want from a shit like Steve but then thinking somehow, in some magical way, Steve is exactly who you've been looking for all your life?

Remember: Opposites attract! The more perfect you are, the more likely it is that Steve is the man for you!