Do you really want this unspecial someone in your life, emailing you constantly, visiting town all too often?

Take this quiz and find out!


1. Does your long-lost acquaintance have any of the following?

a. A really good chance of becoming very, very rich

b. A really good chance of becoming famous

c. A habit of sending expensive gifts without expecting any in return

d. Lots of incredibly attractive, intelligent friends who might like to give you a blow job occasionally

2. When do you get in touch with your long-lost acquaintance?

a. When I'm bored at work and I've got nothing else to do but email losers

b. When I'm anxious and pacing in my apartment and I can't think of anyone else to call

c. When I'm desperate for someone to talk to and no one else is around

d. When I need more lame people to make fun of in my column

3. For what reasons, if any, do you feel obligated to stay in touch with your long-lost acquaintance?

a. Because my long-lost acquaintance saw me through some tough times in high school

b. Because my long-lost acquaintance was the only one of my friends who didn't sleep with my boyfriend/girlfriend

c. Because I smoke a lot of pot and can barely remember his/her name and that makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel obligated

d. Because I made fun of her/him in my last column and I think it really hurt her/his feelings

Answer Key

1. a
2. c
3. d

Polly: I wish you were an old piece of gum so I could scrape you off the heel of my shoe and throw you on the sidewalk where someone else could step on you.

Joey: I wish you were a caterpillar so I could stomp you with my shoe and see all your yellow living daylights squish out onto the concrete.

Polly: What the hell do you mean, yellow living daylights?

Joey: That's what my mom used to say when we'd smoosh bugs: "Look. You squished the living daylights out of it." I always thought bug guts were called living daylights.

Polly: You're a half-wit.