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"I'm going to Jen's lame masquerade party." "I'm not going to
Jen's lame masquerade party." All month long you've been waffling about it,
and now, after you've given away your stockpile of treats to the
neighborhood children and are facing the prospect of watching Friday the
13th Part VI: Jason Lives on the USA Network and sucking on Hemo-Pops, you finally decide
you're going to go to Jen's lame masquerade party. But what can you do for a
lame, last-minute costume?
COSTUME: Ghostwriter
REQUIRES: Notepad, pen, mini tape-recorder
INSTRUCTIONS/COMMENTS: Not only is this one easy to pull off, it gives you
an excuse to hang out with the most famous person at the party all night,
recording everything he or she says.
COSTUME: Fight Club narrator
REQUIRES: Blood, high pain threshold
INSTRUCTIONS/COMMENTS: First, crash a party where you don't know anyone and
no one is dressed up, then start asking people where they got those "fucking
horrifying" masks they're wearing. After you get beat up, go to the party you
really were planning to attend.
COSTUME: Kid Rock sidekick Joe C.
REQUIRES: Porkpie hat, chunky gold jewelry, a half-dozen Philly blunts
INSTRUCTIONS/COMMENTS: This one only works if you're a 5-year-old or a
midget.
COSTUME: Nairwolf
REQUIRES: Close shave, flesh-colored undies
INSTRUCTIONS/COMMENTS: Tell people you were once a popular Hollywood star
known as The Werewolf. But now that male body hair tastes have changed and
Robin Williams is the only hirsute dude who can still get parts, you decided
it was time to adopt a more contemporary look.
COSTUME: Gummi Bear
REQUIRES: Orange marking pens, bottle of Ultra Citrus Air Freshener
INSTRUCTIONS/COMMENTS: Color yourself orange with the marking pens, then
spray yourself with the air freshener. Great alternative for hairy, paunchy
types who can't quite pull off the Nairwolf.
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