for 28 January 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Vending Machine Shakedown Greetings Alice the Camel: I loved the way you ended the piece, indicating that the informal rules of the marketplace prevail. One solution is for the price-sensitive consumer to carry a small cooler of store-brand soda. Of course, "price sensitive" means doing away with the convenience of not being a pack mule away from home. With all of the different price models in today's marketplace, perhaps a vending company might even deign to lower prices of cold cola in hot weather, expecting that the volume of sales might compensate for lower per-unit margin. A flashing light (Kmart-style) could even promote the "sale," allowing this technology to benefit both consumer and merchant. Peace, love, 'n' capital gains, Daniel Corvino Trenton, New Jersey <DANCORV@aol.com> Thanks for the props, my brother. I think you might be on to something with this small cooler of store- brand-pop idea. In fact, a can of Fastco Diet Root Beer sounds really good right now. I gotta go. the Camel  Subject: Sigh Every time I see a huge corporation trying to rip the consumer off, it just makes me want to reload another clip in my assault rifle. I mean, Jesus, how much money is going to be enough? I'm scraping by so I can have a pack of cigarettes, and Coke wants to pinch me for another quarter because I just broke a sweat in the damn heat? Give me a break. Nathan Schill <nas@yourinter.net> Yeah, assault rifle ... um, me too. Thanks for the feedback, (gulp) the Camel Messenger Service I thought you were in the army. When do you get time to write this stuff? Cisco Velasquez <fvelasqu@ball.com> One paragraph — 25 push-ups, one paragraph — 25 push-ups, one paragraph — 25 push-ups. Repeat until completion. It's been scientifically proven that you write better while you've got your swole on. True! Beers hi. i read suck. i've read your articles. i wrote you mail once. you replied. i saved it. can't say the same for replies from the other sucksters i've written. anyway, um, i read about this army thing (a bit too late. i took a suck hiatus this summer so i'm just catching up these days; my suck reading vastly declines when i don't have a stupid job that plops me in front of a web-equipped pc every day). it's weird. my first reaction was "um, ha, a joke." my second reaction was "um, ha, haa ha, funny? joke?" then i figured it was serious. i'm back to thinking it might be some elaborate joke. i'm so anti-military (not in a military-is-evil sort of way, but in an anti-authority- post-adolescent sort of way). so i just sort of weird out a bit when i hear about someone i can hold a coherent conversation with being in the military. one of my irc friends joined the marines. one of my friends who wore a dress one day to high school did too. he just got out, though. but i'm digressing all over the place. anyway, assuming it's true and you're in the army, good luck and stuff. have fun. i liked your email a lot and your articles, so don't, um, have problems. thanks. bye. christian nutt First of all, best use of declarative sentences since Sherwood Anderson. Now. It's not a joke, at least not in the "funny thing that someone made up" sense. And I'm having no problems, except for spectacular, mind-altering boredom and a mostly unmet need for an interesting conversation, just every once in a while. And the woman I was dating is dating a lawyer now and doesn't talk to me anymore, but she lives in Los Angeles and I live in Shithole, Georgia, and she thinks I'm insane for leaving, so that's maybe not so surprising. But thanks for the concern. Judging by the reaction I got that one time I was stupid enough to listen to the Smiths in the barracks, your dress-wearing friend must have had a really enjoyable term of service. Yeah. Wow. Peace, Chris Dear AB: Having nothing to add to your witty diatribe, I will tell you a joke that an Iranian friend told me (very much in private) when I was there. An American, a Japanese, and an Iranian are in an airplane, each bragging that theirs was the richest country of all. First, the American: "We're so rich and have so much food that we throw food away all the time." With that, he reaches behind him, pulls out a freezer full of steaks, and throws them out of the plane. "That's nothing," says the Japanese. "In Japan, we're so wealthy and have so many electronic gadgets that we throw away all our electronics as soon as we get them." And with that, he reaches behind him, pulls out an entire sack of Sony TVs, and throws them out of the plane. "Bah, this is nothing," says the Iranian. "Here in Persia, we are so rich and have so much religion that we throw it away all the time." With that, he reaches behind him, pulls out three mullahs by their beards, and throws them out of the plane. Trust me, you had to be there. Except for the minority that is getting rich from it and another truly devout minority that turns a blind eye, most Iranians have come to hate the mullahs: not for religious reasons, since your average Iranian is a pretty religious Shiite, but because they have become horribly corrupt. Turns out that absolute power corrupts absolutely. And there is still nothing new under the sun. Nice piece. Thanks. Alan S Kornheiser <ASKornheiser@prodigy.net> You know, I bet there are all kinds of really enjoyable subversive Iranian humor floating around, very quietly, in response to the climate of general not-niceness there. Perhaps someone can publish one of those joke books that people read on the toilet: I'm seeing Madcap Mullahs as a title. I envy your trips to Iran. I work for the wrong employer to attempt this just now — except maybe with a few divisions of armored support, of course — but I very much hope to go someday. So save your unused bus tokens for me, and email the names of some good sports bars in Tehran. These three dissident editors walk into a bar, Chris Hit & Run Thanks for the ideas for almost-famous comedian bios, but the Freddy Prinze bio has officially BEEN DONE! It was a made-for-TV epic done in the late seventies called Can You Hear the Laughter? I never made myself watch it, though, as it looked screamingly unfunny (like just about every other comedian bio ever made). Keep up the good work, Andrew Bettridge <andrewbett@optusnet.com.au> Screamingly unfunny can be good, because it shows the pain and suffering behind every comedian's lighthearted laughter. Didn't you see Punchline? You have to have real problems to exert a lot of energy telling jokes for most of your life. Anyone who's cracking jokes — particularly people who're cracking really good jokes — is doing a hell of a lot of hard work to cover up some more serious issues. And people who just can't stop cracking jokes? Whoa. Step around those motherfuckers, they are time bombs! Tick, tick, tick, tick ... the Sucksters A quick question: If I was not born in America, but then moved there and became a citizen, stayed there for 14-plus years and was over 35 years of age, would I be eligible for the position of president of the United States of America? The reason for this question will be disclosed if you are willing to give an answer. Clue: It has something to do with the movie titled, Pumping Iron. I've checked out http://www.law.emory.edu/ FEDERAL/usconst /art-2.html. However, I wasn't happy with the information. I would like a definitive answer. Regards, Craig <greenbulbs@primus.com.au> If you were not born in the United States of America, you can never be president. That "14-plus years" business is just a red herring. Only natural-born citizens can become president. Cut from presidential cloth, the Sucksters Vending Machine Shakedown What's the big deal? When I worked at a gas station in the early '80s, it took us about 30 seconds to jack up the price on our Coke machine ... and we didn't even wait for the weather to get hot. Who the hell needs a computer to do that? Warm regards, Paul Clark Shandon, California <gandpclark@thegrid.net> I should have realized that even the most advanced corporate machinery could never eclipse the cunning of shrewd, young gas station attendants. Ding, ding. the Camel Dear Alice the Camel, Great article. I'd suggest you've got the business smarts of an MBA, but then you might find that insulting. That's the best argument I've ever seen for keeping a company techno-stupid. Ever consider working for General Motors? Unless they're sitting before computers, customers are wedged in the corporeal world of (temporal and spatial) location, location, location. I suppose next they'll arm consumers with wireless browsers and auction agents, then put products and services in vans. So there! Nyah! Wedged, SqueakToy2000 PS Oh yeah? Well my car has an ejection seat and JATO rockets. PPS I think I'd like your take on libertarianism. Squeaky, I lost you somewhere around the thing about an ejection seat, but I'm glad you liked the article. I'd be all about libertarianism except I have a severe addiction to government cheese. As for GM, I'd rather not relocate to a heavily polluted, free-trade zone on the northern rim of Mexico, thank you very much. l8er, the Camel |
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