for 9 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler Dear Polly: Disingentrification n. (see also disingentrify v.): the colonization by overpaid, smirky heterosexuals (spouting convenient microwave irony) of a neighborhood previously colonized by overpaid, smirky homosexuals (spouting tasteless Queen Anne armoires and glass-topped marble coffee tables). Aren't you hacks in Frisco? Where's the goddamned queers? We have stupid dating lives too! And don't even tell me Steve's not a fence-sitter or even an outright closet case (Jennifer Lopez sitting on his face, uh-huh, sure sweetie). Aspiring to emulate you in word and deed (though within the bounds of copyright law), John Kusch Bluff Magazine http://www.bluffmag.com We've got plenty of good queers, we just don't feel as comfortable turning them into caricatures of themselves the way we feeling comfortable exaggerating the negative traits of privileged white heterosexuals. Anyway, all dating lives are stupid, right? Keep in mind that I have very few friends. Emulate at your own risk. Polly  Longtime reader, first-time Fish ... Loved your column today. My only fear is that I won't have the skill to effortlessly integrate even a fraction of those new terms into my speech. Sean McCann <sean@austin.rr.com> Definitely do not attempt to integrate these new terms into your speech. These things should be fairly organic, don't you think? Created with friends, used among the same friends: that's the general rule for the inside joke. Of course, we all have a few inside jokes that none of our friends are in on. Like, when I want to shut someone up, I say, "Have another popover, Froggy." This means nothing to them. Telling inside jokes that no one but you knows is not recommended, by the way. Polly Catumely: using the cat as an intermediary to insult your significant other. Example: "Whatsamatter, Snowball, didn't she feed you? Yeah, she's got a mean streak a mile wide." Richard Von Busack <regisgoat@earthlink.net> Yeah, that's a pretty horrifying phenomenon, isn't it? A friend of mine once stayed with his girlfriend's family for a torturous week, during which her father and mother wouldn't speak to each other but would comment on each other's behavior in their conversations with the cat. He said that at first he thought they were joking. But they didn't laugh. But we're laughing, aren't we? I'll have to include this in my Valentine's Day column about the curse of the lame relationship. Thanks! Polly Hello, I get a kick out Polly because, although only a cartoon, she is exactly the type of woman that finds me attractive. Unfortunately, I'm really not into white women. Love the words. Your friend, Dan Century Um, are you sure she's the type of woman who finds you attractive? Or is she the type of woman whom you think finds you attractive but actually scoffs at you openly, which you mistake for flirtation? Or is she the type of woman who feels really sorry for you, so she's super nice to you and you mistake it for interest? Anyway, good for you that you're not into white women. White women are really expensive. On a budget, the Sucksters Hit & Run Dearest Sucksters, Thank you for mercilessly barbing Srini Kumar on his feline defenestration. Many of us have known for a while what a bastard he is (e.g., we have placed orders and never received the goods), but this incident has shown just how truly unstable the guy is. My only problem with the article is the fact that it is shorter than the one about Barbra Streisand. Love, Matt Singerman <messt66+@pitt.edu> Sadly, while Srini remains an acquired taste of underachieving anarchists, Barbra's breadth and reach are vaster than the czar's, and thus we must devote more resources to challenging her. Yr pal, Tim Foreigners in Office Subject: Craig and his presidential ambitions To be absolutely correct, you do not have to be born in the United States to be president. You can be born in another country. As long as one of your parents was a US citizen at the time of your birth (i.e., not Canadian), you are considered a natural-born American. If the above does not do it for Craig, he still could be elected to Congress. Then it would just be a matter of getting himself elected speaker of the House and then having the president and vice president "accidentally" die. Best of luck to Craig. Signed, Born elsewhere but still on track Such sinister advice you offer, St. Elsewhere. We, personally, are appalled that anyone other than full-bodied, red-blooded Americans are allowed to represent us in Congress. No wonder this country is going to hell! Speaking of American anger, rage, and dashed hopes, we're pretty frustrated by the Titans' (Tennessee, that is) failed attempt to go that last yard. It might have been the best Super Bowl ever, if God weren't on Kurt Warner's side. Why, oh why, must the path of the righteous take precedence over really dramatic sporting events? These and other challenging questions ahead, the Sucksters Private Beers Ambrose, you were/are by far the best writer for suck, and it's a real shame that articles by you aren't printed more regularly. of course, i almost enlisted once, but chickened out at the last moment. helicopter rappelling and ranger school sounded cool enough, but three years didn't. this was two years ago (right when i got out of college), and i'm still not sure whether i regret it or not. Will Forster <forster@bottlerocket.com> Trust me, you don't regret it. All of that helicopter rappelling, jumping out of airplanes, and blowing things up does, in fact, sound really cool, but the reality of the matter is that there are about eight guys in the Army who get to do all of that. Most of us spend our days sweeping the motor pool and explaining to an apoplectic NCO why there's dust on our windowsills. ("No excuse, sergeant!") And remember that I enlisted in the infantry, a combat field, so let's go ahead and try to imagine what it is that all of those administrative and maintenance specialists spend their days doing. Cripes. The culture of mediocrity endures. Mopping the stairwell, Ambrose Beers Rock the Balls Your Christmas Cards rocked balls. I am begging you to do some VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS too. PLEAAAAAASEE!! Your hero, Carolyn "Rocked balls"? You kids today are so weird. Your elders, the Sucksters Infomercial Oscars Insult Themselves just saw the piece you did a few weeks ago on the era awards and it fucking rocked! i'm their webmaster and graphic designer. I lived through the same bizarre week in vegas, as you did, and i know all too well what a bunch of weirdos those people are. we usually laugh at, not with, our members. i do have to say that the judging of the awards was legit. we knew how it was going to look when we counted the ballots and future thunder won. two panels, one in la and another in nyc, voted on all the entries in all categories. they were sponsors before the judging took place, and a committee made up of other member companies did the voting. what did you think about the best latin infomercial category? one guy was nominated about five times. i guess there's a real booming infomercial market down there. feel free to make fun of us again sometime. Jason Conny graphic designer and webmaster Electronic Retailing Association <JConny@ Retailing.org> No problem. But remember, laughing at, not with, your members is not the wisest PR move. Laughing with you, at them, and laughing at you, the Sucksters More Great Jokes Subject: Iran, so far away Here's an Iranian joke about non-denominational turtles. Three turtles decide to go on a picnic. So they make lunch, pack up their baskets, and head out to their favorite spot, which is several miles away. So they walk and they walk, and it takes about 57 years to get there. When they arrive and unpack, they realize they forgot the salt. One turtle is crestfallen. "This picnic will be ruined without salt. We should go back and get the salt," he says. "I don't care about the salt, I'm not going back," says another turtle. "Yeah, I don't care either," says the third turtle. "Why don't you go back and get it, and we'll wait for you." "No way," replies the salt-loving turtle. "You'll start without me." "No, we swear we won't," say the other turtles. "OK, you'd better wait for me," he says, and sets off on his way. So the other two turtles figure it'll take him about 114 years to make the round trip. So they wait and wait and wait 114 years, but the third turtle never returns. "I'm hungry, let's eat," says one turtle. "No, we swore we'd wait. We'll wait one more year," says the other. So after 115 years, the third turtle still hasn't returned. His friends decide something must have happened, and start digging in to their sandwiches. The third turtle suddenly jumps out of the bushes. Ha!" he says. "I knew you'd start without me. I didn't even go!" Keith Crouse <siamakv2@yahoo.com> That's so funny, and just so damn ... Iranian! Gosh. Laughing with/at Iranians and you, the Sucksters |
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