for 18 February 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Letter from the Editorial Director Nice Homer Simpson reference. But shouldn't the line be about losing your hair, rather than letting it down? Just nit-picking, Meri Brin <meri@idiom.com> Dear Meri, If you are referring to "Mr. Microphone," you should know that it wasn't invented by The Simpsons but was a popular novelty product advertised on TV during the friendless childhoods of key Suck writers. The highlight of the Mr. Microphone TV commercial comes when a convertible full of Jimmy McNichol-type yahoos out cruising passes a "fox" on the street, and one of the young men broadcasts "Hey, Good Lookin', be back to pick you up later!" — thus coining an immortal catch phrase for an era when immortal catch phrases were hard to come by. Hope this helps, The Boob  Subject: Very unfunny, Yogi. Tell me this is just a sick joke. I don't know what else to say — I don't feel like I know who I'm speaking to anymore. Surely you have mistaken the sauce for the salsa and have been hitting it indiscriminately. Otherwise, to quote one of the great usurpers, "Oh the pain, the pain!!" A loyal has-been (fan), Joanne Dear Joanne, It's no joke. Suck is going mainstream. Why don't you get with the program and come on board for the big win? Yours, Yogi Okaycola But I'm an English professor. I live for that "heady mixture of smarmy pseudo-erudition and reflexive scorn"! Without the old Suck, I'll have to go back to reading the MLA Profession and Stanley Fish! Dr. Johndan Johnson-Eilola Associate Professor of English Purdue University <johndan@purdue.edu> To get the full effect of a Suck article, you should always follow the links. In today's issue the first link, http://www.word.com/ yhome/artdirector11500.html, would have made it clear that we were writing a parody of Word.com's recent "letter from the art director." We thought our use of absurd statements and funny names would make it even more clear that we were joking, and I apologize for any confusion or discomfort this may have caused you and, apparently, countless other readers. Yr pal, Tim Actual Editor, Suck.com Yearly Updates: An Update Regarding Yearly Updates: An Update, I just wanted to point out one glaring error in the mock family updates. All three letters had the word 'millennium' spelled correctly. I'm sure you would agree that realistically, the chance of this occurring in three real family updates is minimal. Chris Hilton <chilton@scci-ad.com> You make a valid point; however, most of today's word processing software allows everyone the ability to produce perfect spelling and punctuation. Without it, I never would have spelled it correctly myself. the Camel Alice: So, let me get this straight: Those family-doings letters people send out at the end of the year are just as pathetic when email is the medium? Is that the joke? Or are we just supposed to be reassured that salespeople and the elderly are still lame and don't know how obvious the purposelessness of their existence is? Which, I suppose, is a kind of reassurance. It's evidence, after all, of the comforting immortality of certain kinds of humor. Like those cartoons in The New Yorker where businessmen all wear hats. I realize that by writing this I leave myself open to a shattering rejoinder, but I think I'll take my chances. Bill <tipperw@stjohns.edu> Bill, Fear not. I haven't dished out a shattering rejoinder since my days as a halfback at the Canterbury Prep School. Oh what happy times! Kip, Carleton, and myself would run through the freshman dorms issuing Bloody Franklin's to anyone who couldn't sing the school anthem to our liking. Then in the night, we'd steal away to the Lafayette Girl's Academy to steal kisses from our best gals ... Wait a minute, where the hell am I? Oh yeah, your letter. In answer to your question, the joke was meant to be that no matter how many times you wash your trousers, sometimes they still smell like horse shit. Sorry if this was unclear. the Camel Subject: What is DAR? Hayden Thomson <Hayden.Thomson@ird.govt.nz> In answer to your query, DAR has been used as an acronym for many groups. While the most well-known is the Daughters of the American Revolution, there is also Dentists Against Racism, The Society for Diphthongs, Alliteration, and Rhyme, and my favorite, "The National Coalition of Christian Midget Jugglers. Your guess as to Dottie's affiliation is as good as mine. the Camel Hit & Run Do you guys hate Michael Lewis as much as I do? It's not his writing, which I will be the first to admit is clever and all. And sure, I love that bit he wrote in Harper's about how Europhiles derailed 20th century American art and architecture. No, what pisses me off is the fact that he's married to fucking Tabitha Soren! What the hell?! How does some journalism club, yearbook committee, paste-eating dork get off bagging an über-prom queen like Soren? A cornerstone of the relatively successful adult transition made by myself and all the rest of the AP English crowd is the conviction that we never really wanted cheerleaders anyway! Where does he get off pulling this Revenge of the Nerds crap? And you just know that when he imagines the looks on the faces of his old Chess Club buddies when they read his Slate diary about life in — sputtering with rage — Paris with his A-list, "I'm a model, but I also want to act!" wife, he laughs so hard that his milk comes out his nose. You should write something about that! Mark <markscottwright@hotmail.com> Getting angry at famous men with beautiful wives is the fastest way to drive yourself insane. I don't recommend it. Besides, I've met Lewis, and he's kind of dreamy in a paste-eating dork way. The real problem here is the postcards-from-Paris genre of literary journalism. Current practitioners now include Lewis, Adam Gopnik, and various others whose names escape me, all working the same well-tapped vein: The French are somehow like us and somehow unlike us; the subtle differences and quotidian quirks help make up the gorgeously ineffable mosaic of French culture. As I am currently finagling to head up Suck's Paris bureau, I share your bitterness. Last of all, it was not Michael Lewis who wrote that Europhile piece. It was that indefatigable smartypants Michael Lind, whose efforts there and elsewhere earned him a Suck EGG tiara a few years back. Yr pal, Tim Letter from the Editorial Director Dear Whomever: When you wrote, "Now, many people, naturally, will suppose that this is some sort of prank. Well, it isn't, " you better have been kidding. If Suck is having income problems, you should just consider canning some of the dead wood. You could start with the editorial director, and I, for one, would probably never notice. I take the job of pissing away my so-called workday very seriously, so don't fuck with me this way. Thanks as ever, Aaron Headly <Aaron_Headly@baseview.com> Dear Aaron, We're not kidding. Income problems aside, it's cynical slackers like yourself who make life difficult for senior management. Continue to read the new Suck, and you may find yourself experiencing an "attitude adjustment" that could make you more productive and less hostile. Yours, Yogi Okaycola Editorial Director Suck Inc. selling out has nothing to do with who owns you. you just sold out. so fuck you. Brad Wilkening <Brad_Wilkening@prismmortgage.com> Dear Brad, Our owners are very kind and benevolent men who would never beat us or treat us cruelly. I hope you understand our actions. Thank you, Yogi Okaycola Editorial Director Suck Inc I think your new direction is a bad move. I am not going to sit here and type insults or rant and rave or anything, but one of the reasons I have liked Suck.com and have kept reading it is for all the things that you are now doing away with. Now it will be indistinguishable from any other site. I liked the "meandering column of bold type." I liked the sarcasm. I liked the "long-winded, link-addled monologs on abstract topics of no interest to the general reader." What audience are you now looking for? What do you classify as the "general reader"? People who spend their day reading mindless editorials? I liked the sarcastic wit of the old Suck.com. It was intelligent. It made a point. Now that you're changing your direction, you should also change your name. The old name was appropriate because it was in itself sarcastic, because the one thing that the site didn't do was suck. It seems to me that particular sarcasm will no longer be there. Nicholas Williams <nicholas@melia.com> Dear Nicholas, Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. We have received a lot of flak for our decision, but I hope you will give the site a chance in the coming weeks as we unveil our new features and distance ourselves from our former format and writers. Hopefully, now we can have a site that lives up to our name ;-). There is a little sarcasm for you. A little joke. Please don't get the wrong idea about Suck. It's not as if we are threatened by the proliferation of dot coms and are helplessly thrashing about trying to reposition ourselves. Yours, Yogi Okaycola Subject: Hi Roy, why the changes? Hi Roy, I've been a long time reader of Suck, for at least three years now. I am extremely cynical because of this, and I do realize that this is all a big hoax, but since this is my first time writing to Suck, I may as well make it a proper flame. I hope you don't mind; I mean, you guys have only given me three years of free entertainment without asking for anything in return, so I have a right to tell you off once in a while. Please don't take this personally. You guys are completely out to lunch this time. Right out of her. I mean you are worse than any Canadian Rabbit on crack. The reason everybody reads Suck (at least according to a recent Filler) is it gives us humble new-media types (God I hate that expression — new media is so old) a chance to dick around at work. I used to be a humble reader; I was thankful for Suck. I read Suck every day and bought all of the products and services advertised on your Web site and told all my friends what a great Web site Suck was. After this change, however, I will be forced to boycott all the products and services advertised on your site and will encourage my friends to do likewise. If I wanted John Katz's witty remarks and inane chattering about what geeks are and why they are important, I'd go to Slashdot. Well I wouldn't, because Slashdot is a crappy little piece of crappity crap, but many do. I won't even begin on Art Bell; that would take up a whole other paragraph, and I really have to stop dicking around at work. If you change Suck, it will be a huge shit sandwich, and all of your readers will have to take a bite. The next thing you know, you guys are going to change to i-Suck or e-Suck or something and advertise on the XFL before your IPO. (NOTE: I hope you hit and run XFL soon.) Thank you for your concern. In the off chance that you do use this, please withhold my company name. Feel free to use my name and email. Best regards, Jordan D. Sullivan Jordan, I find this letter to be very disingenuous. Why don't you believe us? I'll take you at your word if you take me at mine. Isn't that what the Internet is all about? Signed, The Boob |
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