for 8 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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White Men in Hammerstein Ballroom Robert Anton Wilson is neither Jewish, nor is he in any way associated with the borscht-belt. Futhermore, it is advisible to keep quiet on such issues, as nasty things (ie, the slow removal of the pineal gland) happen to people who say too much about the Bavarian Illuminati. Malaclypse the Tertiary We're hiring people to do our trembling for us right now. As for the religious issue, Wilson noted that, and we quote, "I used to be an atheist, but I had to give it up — I realized I didn't have anything to say during a blowjob." It appears his new deity is Jackie Mason. You don't have to be Jewish to love Lender's, the C. of U.  What a petulant little article on the recent Disinfo Con in NYC! \ Not enough women and blacks?!? Do observations come more phony and facile? Richard Metzger had a lot of weird shit happening at Disnfo Con but least it got beyond idea number two. That's more than can be said about the writer of this article, who apparently was looking for the Democratic convention or something similar to hold hands, sing "Kumbaya" and hope for a better America. Kudos to Metzger for defying the false dialogue of the PC psuedo-left and presenting some straightforward chaos. Kenn Thomas Conspiracy Theory Panel moderator Publisher, Steamshovel Press POB 23715 St. Louis, MO 63121 Like Homer Simpson almost said, it's facile 'cause it's true, dude. And while we're probably almost as allergic to "Kumbaya" as you are, we could've done without quite so many choruses of "We Are The World." Thanks for writing. The C. of U. Many and varied are the questions and lines of inquiry your wonderful piece creates. Where, for example, IS Pigasus? Dead of old age? Bacon? Playing in the muddy fields? Or in the fields of heaven? What is it about a certain kind of semiloony that makes them grab random pieces of science and try to make them into grand conspiracies? How do these loonies differ from PhDs in literature who also try to use random bits of science to overexplain the times? (Somebody actually DID just write an entire book about that one.). When did creating art merge with creating buzz to create mud? If the revolution is really televised will anyone come to it or will everyone just stay home to watch it? As I said, many and varied. Wonderful piece. Thanks. Alan S Kornheiser <ASKornheiser@prodigy.net> Thanks for your kind words. I believe Pigasus has had a steady gig with Pink Floyd for a while, and spends the off-season wallowing in the art/buzz mud. the C. of U. Thanks for the report on how the post-counter culture is living. I've long thought that the swap meet represented the cultural heart of America, and what you're describing sounds so much like a hip variation on the noble institution. Admittedly, it's one high-toned, pretentious, gaudy, ruinously expensive swap meet. Here's the home-made conspiracy tapes, there's the discounted '60s anarchist books and remaindered Vertigo comic books by Grant Morrison. But what use is a swap meet without cheap goods? It's smugly satisfying to think one could just continue with life as always — staying home, drinking wine, listening to records, reading — and be as close to the "cutting edge" as those birds. Sincerely, Richard Von Busack <regisgoat@earthlink.net> Heck, why stop there? Go out and get a Fortune 500 job, and you could be even closer, as far as they're concerned! Thanks for your kind words. The C. of U. A Tale of Two Cities For some reason, I find it especially ironic that e-Citi and "The City of E" seem to have been both outlived and, um, outpopulated by the original "Internet City". That being, of course, Megadeth, Arizona, which has to have set some sort of record at this point for longevity. Nathan J. Mehl <memory@blank.org> We always thought Megadeth was a hair band. Ill-informed, Sucksters Subject: I need filler t-shirts I can't believe they're sold out! As long as you're reprinting them can you ad some color this time? Rev. Samuel <rev.sam@auragen.com> Yeah, let's see how serious you are about needing that shirt. We've got a Filler t-shirt right hear for you. I will send it to you, postage paid, if you do the following: Paste one sentence from the final page of every Filler ever written, along with the URL of that page, into an email, and send it to me. For example, Filler 2.3.99 has five pages. The URL for that issue's LAST PAGE is https://www.thesuck.net/daily/ 99/02/03/nc_index5.html One sample sentence from that last page is "But now it's time to trade stories and name names." So you would put the following into your message: https://www.thesuck.net/daily /99/02/03/nc_index5.html But now it's time to trade stories and name names. Do this for every Filler, beginning with the May 1, 1996 issue. Selections must be in chronological order, beginning with 5.1.96 and continuing through the most recent Wednesday. All URLs and text selections must be contained in a single email. Do not send any images. I will check your work, so don't cheat. If you can do this, I'll be more than happy to send you a shirt. yr pal, Bartel A note to our readers: Rev. Samuel did complete the above assignment. His work contained four errors, two of which indicated that he had used the expedient of typing last-page URLs into his browser, rather than clicking through each Filler, page by page. For this reason, Bartel was reluctant to award Rev. Samuel a Filler shirt. However, taking into account that four errors over four years' worth of Filler is not excessive for a first-time assignment and that Rev. Samuel had experienced browser-overload problems that made it difficult to complete the assignment — and with a special one- time- only intercession by Polly Esther herself — we decided to relent. Rev. Samuel received his shirt this week and is quite happy with it. We now have three large-sized Filler t-shirts, along with assorted Suck stuff, to give away. These t-shirts will go to the first three people who can complete the same assignment Rev. Samuel completed. Send us the URL and a line of text from the last page of every Filler ever written. Work will be checked, and this time no errors will be allowed. Bartel d'Arcy will also give away assorted Suck goodies during his appearance at the University of Southern California's Online Journalism Conference on Wednesday, March 15. To receive these goodies, attend the conference at USC's Annenberg School for Communication, and during the panel discussion "Conglomeration of the Internet: Survival of the Fittest" (3:45-4:45 p.m. PST), rise from your seat and declare in a stentorian voice audible throughout the room: "If loving Suck.com is a crime, I'm guilty!"This show of devotion will earn you not only some valuable Suck merchandise, but lifetime membership in the Suck High Flyers Club. 70,000 Sucksters Can't Be Wrong I enjoyed your story. Here's a question that's been bothering me: why does it seem like screenwriters have a lot of difficulty with endings? Mary Jo <maryjo.aparicio@worldnet.att.net> Gosh, Mary Jo, I liked the ending of "70,000 Sucksters Can't Be Wrong!" However, I'm hoping you meant the general state of movies, to which I'd say there are a number of reasons movies don't end well. 1) The first is that writers in general don't have control of a movie. Directors, executives, producers, and actors usually have more say in the process than those who write (except on TV, where nobody seems to mind the endings so much). 2) Another industry bad habit is the use of audience test screenings in which audience members, for any number of reasons, might walk out of the movie unhappy. These screenings are valuable to see how people react to a movie, but when people don't like the movie they complain about the last thing they remember, the ending, and the classic response by studios is to reshoot the ending to "fix" the movie. It could be that the beginning sets things up in the wrong way or a scene in the middle needs to be cut or a new one written. It's Billy Wilder who says when your third act is in trouble it's because your first is in trouble. 3) Some writers are inept. Bert Mr. Brecht, I don't think these Neilsons people ever come to New York City. Supposedly, NYC is one of TV's most coveted markets, but I've never been approached, and neither has anyone I know, and I know lots of nuclear families in the 5 boroughs. When I was 9 or 10, my father's family (in central Connecticut) had a Neilson's book, where they noted everything they watched and mailed it in after 6 weeks. How I wished I could get my hands on it! Those guys know better. Yrs, Colin the Little boy from the Big Apple <crankine@sensenet.com> Well, Colin, New Yorkers are no doubt the smart "urban" viewers the Neilsen people told me about who refuse the AC Neilsen Co. box on the grounds that it's probably a scam. And it is, but on a much larger basis than just conning you into TV needless repairs. Then again, smarty New Yorkers have so many great entertainment choices that compete with TV —the never ending Broadway run of CATS, sold out Central Park concerts with Garth Brooks and Billy Joel, Don "The I-Man!" Imus every morning —the Neilsen's must know you're just not a TV town. Bert Subject: rating x Ben- I read your article with great interest, as I was recently asked by Arbitron to be a ratings "family" for their February period. This, even tho I am a Suckster-reading media cynic and, moreover, another card-carrying member of the Entertainment-Industrial complex - a features/entertainment editor for a daily paper, online editor for its Web edition (pall-times.com) and a freelance music reviewer. As it turns out, that week I only listened to Canadian radio stations (I live in New York state just across Lake Ontario from the Great White North) and public radio. I'm sure such an aberration will be forgotten as it drowns in a sea of returns from people who listened to stations that play either a) britney spears/'n sync, b) kid rock/korn, c) shania twain/dixie chicks or d) led zepplin/doors ad nauseum will continue to be "rewarded" in the latest ratings book. In exchange for this pleasure and overwhelming $2 paycheck, I took almost-daily calls from Arbitron representatives reminding me to send my book in (including one call at 9:30 a.m. on Saturday). Each one politely told me that "my demographic" (males 21-35) was the least reliable when it came to returning the books. Now that's class! Glad to see I'm not the only one who suffers from performing such an "honorable duty" in support of a radio system swallowed up by mergers, mediocrity and mimicry. Still liking to believe (unrealistically) in the freedom of music, Tim Nekritz <nekritz@dreamscape.com> The spirit of Che and Mao clearly resides in rebels like us, Tim. Two men not afraid to turn the dial on principle and principle alone. I think the deal I got was $50 for the initial set-up and then $12 every six months, but they smoked me out before I got the second twelve. Bert You mention Strangers with Candy. Why not the Upright Citizens Brigade? I was under the impression Suck's one of their pet projects. Oh yeah. Right. It's just a TV show. Peter Kilander <peterk@enteract.com> Sorry Pete, I don't tow the line for anybody, not even my corporate masters at Suck. The last show Suck endorsed heartily was "Bryant Gumbel's Xtreme Newz," a morning show in which Gumbel interviewed celebs and newsmakers from a glass-walled, street-level Thai boxing dojo in Times Square. Unfortunately, our first guest for Bryant was Al Sharpton, who couldn't match Bryant's high kick. CBS said they "liked the energy," but didn't buy the show. Once again, the masterminds in the front office squash a great idea. Bert They asked me if I wanted to do Arbitron in 91, I said sure, but I wouldn't want to skew your data, I don't have a tv. I should have took the money. Of course, I skew data anyway, we used to get on all three national channnels news on King Day before it was official and the year it was finally official by getting arrested at the missile silo fields in North Dakota. Of course we didn't make it all three channels the year we went a week early on Jan 8 and poured blood on a missile silo (I-17 west of Larimore NoDak). But we haven't done anything like that since 1990. (We still do not know why we were not prosecuted the last two times). They took the nukes out of that field. I am in Canada now. And so I do not pay any more taxes for nuclear weapons directly. Still trying to skew the data. Shalom, Mark Rogness Mark Rogness <paxmark@home.com> P.S. I read Suck every M-F. You live in Canada, Mark? Just watch what we tell you to watch and there won't be any trouble, ok? As for your protesting and waving signs about, well, that kind of revolution is good for improving civil rights, human rights, and effecting social change that could make all our lives and our children's lives demonstrably better. However, if you're really going to make a difference, you need to sit down, get that TV on, and make some hard choices — "Everyone Loves Raymond" or "Dharma and Greg?" Write us again when you're really willing to make a commitment, ok? Bert I actually work for the AC Nielsen Co. and the Suck Daily on them really struck a cord with me. Everything that was said was the absolute truth about them. Except the point of how many homes you actually represent. The figure is closer to 4,000. Nielsen does consider itself to be the man, and I say stick it to the man. Scott Excellent, Suck has a man on the inside. Just for fun, would you make Space Ghost the #1 show in America for a few weeks? Yes, you guys have had a nice laugh on all of us with Ally McBeal, but really, enough's enough. Bert |
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