for 15 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler Subject: The Cast-Joe-District Thank God you're finally being up-front about Joe being gay. I mean, that *sweater*. I stopped wearing Forenza in 1988, thanks. (http://www.bc-trade.net/ buyers/_buy/00000761.htm). You're pretty cool. John Kusch Milwaukee, Wisconsin http://bluffmag.com/ jonjon <jkusch@post.its.mcw.edu> Yeah, but when you did wear Forenza, I bet you wore the sweatshirts that had the huge letters across the front and back, like those "Frankie Say: Relax!" T-shirts. Still wearing Hunters' Run jeans, Polly  a little bird told me that you live in LA...are you gross? Ryan Medlin <RMedlin2@frk.com> A little bird told me that you piss in the shower. Does that answer your question? Polly Letter of the Week Subject: Pregnancy and Witch Doctors Hi I know a Marine at Camp Pendleton and his wife. She claims shes been pregnant since Aug 22 1999. She claims shes still pregnant and its been 14 and 1/2 months pregnant. In August she told my wife that shes 9 months pregnant. Then in September she was asked she said she was 9 and 1/2 months pregnant that was the middle of September. Then in October she said she was 10 and 1/2 months pregnant The Military hospital didnt want to take the baby out because she claims the baby was premature. It wasnt born so how does she know the baby is premature? Well a normal pregnancy is 9 months and no later. Then she was asked again. She said in November she said she was 11 and 1/2 months pregnant. Camp Pendleton Hospital OB told her the baby was breeched birth. She went to a witch doctor to get the baby turned around. Now its Almost March and she claims shes still pregnant. She says they are inducing labor. What do you think? Is it a hoax or what? John Ken Col Oh, it's no hoax. She's telling you the absolute truth. You can be pregnant indefinitely. We know a woman who was pregnant for 10 years. You can imagine her relief when she finally gave birth to a 10-year-old a few months ago! How insensitive of you to doubt this poor woman! You are perhaps her only source of comfort and support during this very trying time. But instead of lending her a hand, here you are, snickering behind her back! Shame on you! Sucksters Vengeful Press Subject: That whacky Cyber-southern dialect Just in case none of your astute Atlanta readers bothered to let you know the Atlanta Journal Constitution this morning (3/10) ran a story by one Jeffry Scott (jlscott@ajc.com), staff writer, under the banner of Digital Living: Reports from the E-World. This article was titled "*@#!.com: Revenge sites thrive on the Internet" and is his expose of what he calls the "sucks.com" phenomena of pissed off consumers taking their whining to the web. What is more he quotes a Mr. Richard Hatch of walmartsucks.com as describing himself as "the guru of suck-dot-com" (note the singular). Was this a mere slip of the tongue? A demonstration of how far the name thesuck.net has penetrated our subconscious? Or a crass attempt to shift the credit (and blame) for thesuck.net onto his own shoulders? Only Mr. Hatch knows for sure. Paul McKay Assistant Engineer <jpmckay@papvis.ipst.edu> So why are you telling us? You should be telling the Journal-Constitution. Write a letter to the editor mentioning Suck.com. If it gets published send it to us and you'll receive a Suck t-shirt and other fine paraphernalia. You might want to point out that The Original Suck.com offers a level of sophistry and merriment that is far above the dummkopf disgruntlement of Mr. Hatch and his unauthorized title (and it is unauthorized; since we encourage all our readers to think and act for themselves, we would never award a title of "guru" to anybody, let alone Mr. Hatch). Write whatever you please, but get us a mention on their letters page and you'll get stuff. That's a real offer, fair and true. yr pal, tim Lemon Squeezers Subject: Dave Eggers article...3-7 Dear mxyzptlk, I used to read Suck daily, so I know you just don't give a fuck about what us dumb ass readers have to say. Even so, for it's worth, I stopped reading your site for precisely the same reason Eggers give's in the voice. It's like having someone yell in your ear every day. Now I read McSweeneys instead. As a sassy n' sardonic 24 year old Oakland resident, I'm pretty sure that I was tuff enuff to handle Suck's variety of smack, and I've read enough of the dailies to know you guys and gals get off on whiny crit. letters like this one. None the less, one of the reasons I was so in to Suck in the first place was because I started reading it after Might folded, and I thought you guys were a worthy succesor to the throne of media-aware cultural commentator kings (or something like that). But whatever, you don't care about your readers, and I know that... I guess, for once, I wanted to take the bait. Sincerely, Scott Pactor <scottpactor@yahoo.com> YOU GOT US ALL WRONG, SCOTTY-BOY! WE DON'T YELL, WE SHOUT! AND WE DO CARE! IN FACT, WE SHOUT NOT BECAUSE WE DON'T LOVE OUR READERS BUT BECAUSE, LIKE O.J. AND JOHN LIST, WE CARE TOO MUCH. CORDIALLY, Mr. M Subject: Of Babies and Bathwater and that Eggers Character I thought the post-media-saturation backlash against Eggers wasn't due until July? It's good to see Suck staying ahead of the curve. Backlash or no, Eggers writes very well when taken in small doses. I wouldn't read a novel by S. J. Perelman either, nor live on a diet of marzipan. So? As for McCain, he's a glorious entertainment and I go to sleep every night secure in the knowledge that the Jesus brigade will nominate Bush, thereby electing Gore. Congress will remain an extravagantly funded camp meeting, Gore will veto them for the wrong reasons, and the Republic (like Suck) will stumble on just as it always has. Either that, or the nefarious Dr. Clinton will declare the New World Order and throw all the paranoids in camps. At least it would be a change. If Eggers is anti-anti-ironic and you're agin' it, that would make me your anti- anti- anti- anti-ironic aquatic pal, Fungo the Talking Shrimp S.J. Perelman on marzipan? Now there's the core of a novel every bit as fask-i-natin' as the old crap of his the New Yorker has been running once in a while to celebrate the fact that it's an old boring shit rag. It just hasn't been the same since Dick "LSD" Shawn stopped editing under another name. Yrs, Mr. M Thanks for pointing out what Nietzsche abridged. What doesn't kill you not only makes you stronger, but occasionally bumps you into a higher tax bracket. And really, why shouldn't misery seek both company and high returns? Self-help publishers, beer makers, and personal injury lawyers, to name a few, have always made a profit from human suffering. Why shouldn't the sufferer get a piece of the action? If only there were an established market rate. As McCain's Republican contender has proven, you can still enjoy the spoils of life even if the worst thing you have ever had to face is a hangover. Clay <clayn@dillonet.com> In our equal opportunity age, let's not forget Bush's future antagonist, who had to brave a regular David Copperfield childhood: Growing up in a D.C. hotel with a senator-for-a-dad, cushy Vietnam gig writing Junior Jumbles for Stars & Stripes, then those tough days leading hearings featuring Frank Zappa and Dee Snider, biding time until what was rightfully his is finally his. Aloha, Mr. M America loves tragedy. As truly as nobody every got broke underestimating Americas taste, nobody ever got broke underestimating Americas appetite for watching descents into the abyss. People eat up the "I'm such a tragic figure" schtick for the same reason everyone watched O.J.'s flight in the White Blazer - they can't wait to see someone blow their brains out. It's a competition thing - each one of us knows just how fucked up they are, and it is very reassuring to see some other poor schmuch who is really messed up. Kind of the Christian ideal of accepted suffering in exchange for eternal heaven, only we get to enjoy the eternal every night on the tube. heavyC <cameron@slip.net> In fact, America loves dramedy--as the countless fans of The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd, The Slap Maxwell Story, and The West Wing attest. But other than that, and your spelling of schmuck, you're right as reign. Ta, Mr. M Subject: I sing of Olaf, brave and strong Excellent. You have provided a hook for my otherwise totally unrelated riff about John McCain. To wit: 1. The reporters traveling with him report with childlike pleasure that he listens to their ideas and says, with (plausible) sincerity, that he hadn't really thought about it like that and would immediately reconsider his positions. We have published testimony to that effect concerning a slew of topics, of which medical care is the one I remember seeing most recently. This charms the savage breasts of said reporters, because everyone likes to think they're influencing policy and the average reporter likes to believe he's smarter than the average pol. (Which is one reason so many of them have this gut-hatred of Gore and Clinton; in their hearts, they know the two guys are policy wonks who really do know more about this stuff than they do.) All of this evades the key point: McCain is a US senator and has been making POLICY on these topics for a good 18 years. Why, when he was being paid to look into all this stuff, did he never bother? How can he be so ignorant on topics for which he is paid to govern that he can take advice from whoever is sitting in the seat next to him? I like flexibility and learning from experience as much as the next guy, but surely the time to learn your job is before you are paid to do it, or even while doing it, not after you've stopped doing it. 2. Mr McCain was shot down and tortured in prison. He courageously followed appropriate military protocol by refusing to be released out of sequence, and was tortured even more for it. However, he did in fact break under torture and make (comically stilted) speeches denouncing his own country. He could legitimately been court martialed and even imprisoned for this. Common sense prevailed, and he got a pass...as well he should. He was more brave than me, or you, even if he reached his limits. But dammit, by what idiotic stretch does this make him a hero? He stopped a SAM with his jet, failed to evade capture, failed to escape, failed to fully resist his captors, and was only released when the war ended. When he came back he discovered his wife was no longer the young sexy thing he'd left behind (since tide and time change all), so--making up for lost time and lost fantasies--he screwed around and then dumped her. While this behavior is better than some and no worse than that of most aviators in the same straits, by any objective standards, the man is a loser. Does he want my sympathy? He can have it; he had a rough war. But a hero? Mind you, I find Mr McCain an amusing and refreshing pol. His willingness to, even belatedly, discover that it would be nice for a political party to try to represent the majority of the people of the country is surely a Good Thing. By running against Mr Bush, he has enlightened and enlivened the primary season. Just don't ask me to take him seriously. Alan S Kornheiser <ASKornheiser@prodigy.net> As S.J. Perelman might have put it, "Make mine marzipan." And if there's no marzipan to be had, then it might as well be McCain. Nuff said, Mr. M Subject: Vietnam It is cool to express opinions about stuff that you have some idea about, but the Vietnam war is obviously something you know nothing about. At 23 years old I feel like I am surrounded by the biggest bunch of morons this country has ever seen. Does anyone there know anything about what happened the McCain? To make comments like that about what he went through is just stupid. Now I am sure some old web veteran who has been around since TI's were the in thing, is going to read this and say "What the hell does this kid know", well pull your head out of your ass and think about what you are talking about before you say it. What a bunch of dorks. Other than that I love everything else. Keep it up you militant bunch of computer nerds. Later Steve Cobb <steven.cobb@hostcommunications.com> If you think you're surrounded by morons at age 23, just wait until you get to 24. And in fact, thanks to Rambo and several very special episodes of Hogan's Heroes, all America knows what McCain went through. Much later, Mr. M |
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