for 22 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler: Eyeball of the Beholder My friend and I are sitting here drinking heavily wishing that we had a nice phat bong to smoke. After reading today's filler (03/15), we figured that we should send you a message telling you that you're a self-centered, sarcastic bitch and we love your stuff. Please don't change. And don't cry, he wasn't worth your time. I saw his webpage and you're MUCH too cool for him. Jorge Vendez <jvendez@hotmail.com> A nice phat bong? God, I'm old. But being old means that not only am I too cool for Cisco, but I'm also too cool for school. And school's cool! Polly  Subject: Hell Hath No Fury... Shnookums, You'd think after all these years I'd know to hit the F7 key for spell check when I'm done typing something. Actually I spelled it right because I meant to say that you are hooked into an ethereal cyber world just like serial experiments lain (http://angelfire.com/ co/cisco/ lain.html) or something. Thank you. You really made my day. I mean it. I spend all night running low level UNIX programs and trying to make a website with MS paint and a crappy scanner. I'm amazed at the fact that I can enjoy mean spirited condescension (besides mine), and that I am becoming a regular at your mag. Oh God I have no life. The wedding is back on but I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist you get pupils first. Love, Cisco Velasquez, <fvelasqu@ball.com> Oh, don't go trying to impress me with your job skills now, buddy. I already issued new invitations, spinning the wedding as a "celebration in my honor" and urged all those invited to bring those wedding gifts anyway. I'm still registered at Macy's and everything. Hey, I don't have to get married to get all the delightful serving trays and wine glasses and sugar bowls that I deserve. Pupil-less and proud, Polly I would find it very useful for you to mention how MANY pages the story is on, on the first page. That way, one knew how much reading there were to be done, and could digest to that, or probably choose not to read it. BTW, do you have a steady schedule for each week on SUCK.com? Jonas Skov Madsen <Jonass@vip.cybercity.dk> Now why would I give you information that might lead you not to read the column? That's like using a teaser that says: "Next week, even more pointless, rambling crap that it'll take too long to read." Then again, I think I've used that one already. Wednesday is Filler, Thursday is Hit & Run, and all the other days are whatever we feel like publishing then. Essays, mostly. While we're making helpful suggestions, though, let me suggest that you rethink that email address. Polly Subject: Misspellings? Polly, I must say I take offense to the fact that you seem to mostly publish emails from people who have some type of misspelling in their messages. I dare say you don't actually get that many emails with poor spelling, and sometimes it seems like you just throw in a misspelled word of your own just to spice things up for Filler. Stop the lie! Many email programs come equipped with spell checkers, so there can't be that many bad spellers out there. Sincerely, Chris Druckenmiller <cdrucken@DigitalRiver.com> Well, that goes to show how much you know. So there. Polly Feel-Bad TV Nice work, uh, Destiny. It seems like it became fashionable a few years back to write Letterman off, claim that he'd lost it, etc., when in fact, as his recent trip up and back from the big yonder has proven, he is as he always was — self-plagued and touched with comic brilliance, surly as hell, obsessed with good, original craft, and appalled at his own attempts to achieve it. I've loved his work since I was 16, and still do, unapologetically. Your piece really did him justice, I think. Cheers. Andy Markham <andy@msinteractive.com> Thanks! People cap on Letterman for his ironic detachment — but that was the prevailing motif when Letterman was coming up in the 70s. Film Comment was busy hailing so-called "eccentrics" like Martin Mull and Andy Kaufman, who hid their entire personality behind a facade ("Trying to analyze it is like trying to analyze a dream or an Abstract Expressionist painting."). The spookiest thing about Letterman's detachment is: it's real. In Bill Carter's Late Shift, there's a revealing anecdote about the station break during an interview with Teri Garr. "Letterman grabbed a pad on his desk and scribbled a note that he passed back to her. The note read; 'I HATE myself.'" When Teri Garr tried to reassure the neurotic talk show host, "he grabbed the note back, underlined 'I HATE myself' twice, and shoved it back at her." Destiny McSwindle's In his letter, Scott Pactor echoes Dave Eggers's complaint that reading Suck is like having someone yelling in your ear. Might I suggest that perchance their ears are too tender... which if true is quite allright. Some people go for speed metal or rap, others, easy listening or r&b. It takes all kinds. If forced to choose between Suck and McSweeney's, I'd have to go with Suck. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Plus, a fresh edition arrives at one's monitor each weekday morning. Cheap and easy. Moreover, it's in technicolor. The good folks at McSweeney's more or less lifted its old-timey look from The Baffler and they're always whining, "give us money, give us more money." At least when Sucksters whine they don't hit you up for cash. No contest, I say. regards, Peter Kilander <peterk@enteract.com> Are you sure that's a the best way to judge the quality of a published collection - by how often the author asks for money? Maybe we should start asking for money, too. Our new motto: "It will be less difficult now that we have your money." Forever free, Sucksters Subject: Coincidence? How is it that Scott Proctor (The Fish, 3/13) has ceased to read Suck on a daily basis but caught your piece dealing with David Egger's new book? Did he just "happen" to hit the site on that day in the hopes of finding a piece that would be less harsh on his tender ear? Sounds suspiciously like my old roommate who would "happen" to grab the wrong box in the adult section of the video store. And hey, if you've got it, you may as well watch it. Give me a fucking break; admit there is nothing out there like Suck, guilty pleasure or not. The content at McSweeney's site is cute and amusing, but so is my girlfriend. Your Mr. d'Arcy once insinuated that I was the stupidest man in America, and I still read Suck every day. Getting off on whiny crit. letters, Michael Clausen <mdclausen@yahoo.com> Your girlfriend is cute and amusing and you're complaining? You truly are a natural born Suck reader. Whining about getting off, Sucksters |
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