for 29 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler Dear Polly, I sometimes think about the sounds on earth that get emitted into the universe. Since the human population is now responsible for a considerable part of the earths water weight it also, by shear replication, responsible for certain patterns in "air waves". Like for the past few years there has been a under lying drone caused by verbalization of something like "how do you print the grid lines in excel?" That of course, it gets louder around a new release time. But I am most certain that on this day, a sound pattern following a few hours after sunrise is emerging that is reaching the same volume as the ordinary belch "filler isn't funny today". Searching for meaning, j. <jharford@deltainternet.net> Wow. Nice way of building up to that crushing blow. Artfully done. I couldn't agree more, though. Bad week, just like the cartoon said. The cartoon never lies. Thanks for writing. Polly  Polly, Actually, I'm having one of those months. Maybe that's why I can't find anything even remotely funny about "Moons Over My Hammy." Who was that guy you were having breakfast with? He's hot. Too bad he's kind of a moron ... but should that really matter? Standards such as intelligence and the ability to tell good jokes are for bitter, single, aging pseudo-intellectuals. Oh, wait, that's what I am. Nevermind. Jean Cousins <Jean.Cousins@williams.com> Oh, but you need far less brains across the Denny's table than you think, trust me. Morons can still act funny — in fact, they're much better at acting, since they have to act things out so often when words fail them. Hot is good, particularly for those who are bored with pseudo-intellectuals and are way too bitter to be in the company of other bitters without souring on the whole notion of breathing. That's my feeling for the day, anyway. But growing old and bitter alone isn't so bad either. Just, you know, keep good icy cold beverages in the fridge and subscribe to lots of pointless effete magazines. And isn't it nice, never having to share? Sharing selfishly, Polly How about just Filler? Seven days a week? Huh? I mean, come on. Who tunes in for the highbrow meta-media gripes? Stephanie Mitchel <SMitchel@adamstrans.com> Ah, if only there were seven Pollys and seven Terrys to make it so! But then, are there ever, really, seven brides for seven brothers? No. At least two or three brothers have bad skin or lame personalities and as such, remain brideless. Thanks for the enthusiasm about Filler. Naturally I agree that it represents the cream of the crop, but I also think that I'm possibly the smartest and most charming person that ever lived, so can I be trusted? I think not. I'll agree that no one tunes in for highbrow meta-media gripes daily, but the Suck daily offerings are currently a lot more interesting and versatile than you give them credit for. Hit & Run has run some great interviews lately, and I thought The Boob's spoof of contemporary authors was hilarious. Most importantly, your visits to other Suck pages keep me in Joan and David boots and small, overpriced, attractively packaged bottles of tea. Plus, those little bottles of tea keep me happy and caffeinated which makes writing remotely amusing Fillers possible which in turn keeps you happy. Win-win! What's the moral? a. You make all this possible b. All this is all about me, Polly c. I, Polly, am a mindless shill for The Man d. Don't develop an expensive tea habit or you'll get stuck writing pointless cartoons until the cows come home e. It doesn't matter what habits you develop because you'll still get stuck doing something pointless until the cows come home. Where are those stupid cows, anyway? Polly Subject: Joey's Nose Polly-Snookums, I realize an artist's need to grow and evolve and all of that living, breathing organic type shit, but can you ask Terry what's going on with the representations of Joey over the years? See enclosed GIF. Northey <TrueNorth@DrunkenCompass.com> 
You've got a point there, though not as big a point as the one sitting in the middle of my face above 1999 in the attached gif. If ever there was a time to ask "Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?," it's clearly right now. I think this might even tie in to all this "Is Joey gay?" mail we seem to be getting lately. The way it's currently represented, my physiognomy evinces a subtle homoeroticism, at least insofar as it places in such close pixel-proximity an image of my mouth with that of a large, flesh-hued pickle-object. Then again, I suppose if enough readers find this kind of thing wicked hot, we shouldn't change it. Anything for a few hits, that's what I say! Keeping my chin up, hoping nobody tries to smack it with a pair of balls, Joey This is a question for Terry. Why is Joey's nose so big, Terry? Is it because you think he's a great big liar? Polly I'm afraid I have no explanation for the size and shape of Joey's nose, just as I have no explanation for Joey himself. Terry The Jawbone of a Scare Quote in your article for today's edition of suck, you wrote: "Let's make a pledge right now. If you ever find you need quotation marks up against a word or phrase so you can tell a sarcastic insult from a straightforward one around here, let us know. We'll fix things right up. You want that shirt of vituperation, you won't have to "mess" with any typographical snakes to get it. And that's not any Mazola, friend: that's a promise." how about: "Kaufman, a lecturer in American Studies at a university in England, has written an entire book predicated on a stray remark of Kurt Vonnegut, that 'American humorists or satirists or whatever you wish to call them, those who choose to laugh rather than weep about demoralizing information, become intolerably unfunny pessimists if they live past a certain age.' Never mind that some of the subjects of the book, like stand-ups Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks, didn't exactly make it to 'a certain age,' or thatothers, like Herman Melville and Sinclair Lewis, were always more pessimistic than humorous: An academic book that tells its readers that all irony, even its highest literary manifestations, is a priori doomed, is bound to please a lot of people who would rather social critics like Lenny Bruce and Sinclair Lewis never even went through the laughing-rather-than-weeping phase, much less the intolerably pessimistic one. 'Irony fatigue,' a phrase Kaufman coined looking for what American humorist/pessimist Fran Lebowitz described as 'undue fanfare,' is a concept whose time has come. Even as knowing a filmmaker as John Waters, never exactly Frank Capra, ends his latest film Pecker with a toast to the end of irony. We've come a long way from what Spy magazine in the '80s labeled "the irony epidemic." The Irony Backlash has set in. Everyone is tired of the trickled-down and facile irony that pretty much defines the media sensibility of recent years; now, a professor gives the people who never liked any kind of irony, facile or otherwise, the chance to declare it self-destructive and unproductive. Unfunniness and optimism, freed from their shackles, can reign in the land once more, and shine on us even at midnight. I feel warmer already." (see also joshua glenn's "fake authenticity: an introduction" for scare quotes run rampant.) despite the perceived inconsistency, however, i appreciate your analysis of the phenomenon as well as your writing in general, and look forward to reading more. (this will include, of course, a more thorough exploration of the hermenaut site as time permits.) Jim Kuemmerle <J.Kuemmerle@m.cc.utah.edu> While writing about scare quotes, I learned many things. Among them? The New York Times used to write better headlines. Weeks go by now with barely a mention of wolf girls or whisky-demanding bandits there. That's because the world has changed. And so have I. So please don't GET ON ME for the lapses of that pretentious BUM Hamrah. How do you feel about all caps instead? I appreciate your research. Thanks for outing me. The world may have changed, but it can only be for the better when we're unafraid to be who we really are. Slotcar Hatebath Hey Slot, I enjoyed this one a lot. Today's essay put into words several vague ideas that had been swimming around the back of my half-semi-subconscious. I believe that in the greatest of current writing, both words and punctuation should have meaning. As televised culture threatens to make readers into little more than a literary cult, it is up to the "true" readers to put depth of meaning beyond the reach of "couch potato America". Just for fun, take an inventory sometime of all the words NPR disdains with their "so-called" quotes. Ironically, Rich <richard.banks@cpa.state.tx.us> That's because National Public Radio is where scare quotes meet air quotes. The little jingles that brackett everything on NPR are perhaps are form of quotation marks around all they do. Slotcar Use and Abuse -loved- today's article. *s* (insert healthy contempt for the 'average user' engendered by time spent in tech support) my retail site has just one hoop, and that's just in case of the unlikely event there are ever scantily-clad humans demonstrating the products *sigh* all six customers thus far haven't seemed to mind. take a look. maybe you'll be amused. Rafe Proprietor & Lead Deviant www.digitaldiscipline.com Amused? More like amazed. Who knew goth marital aids were so expensive? Hae you considered buying in bulk, then selling them as tech support devices? Pixel Vixen With the number of new computer users and web surfers that keep getting added to the fray every day (not to mention the entrepeneurs trying to make money off of these people) it ends up becoming the equivalent of urban sprawl--too many sites being built too quickly-with no attention paid to whether or not people can easily access the things they need. If you have to drive around three brand new mini-malls to get to the grocery store, you haven't progressed at all. Keep the suck sucking!!! Robert C. You know, you've just outlined the premise for Mike Davis' new book: City of Silicon: Excavating the Profit Line. Consider the similarities between the Web model you put forth and Los Angeles: - both are filled with people attracted to shiny objects - both require inordinate amounts of time simply to get anything done - LA has air smog; the Web has data smog - Studio business model: banking on ephemeral celebrity; Web business model: banking on ephemeral stock Pixel Vixen Of late, rewarding bogus competence ("My Child Is A Super Student At Nosebleed Elementary") has drowned real achievement. The unfortunate answer is that the programmer was right: the users are stupid. This will only get worse as the Web audience expands beyond the yokels sporting aol.com addresses and gets to those with full frontal lobotomies, the beneficiaries of sustained electroshock therapy, and Democrats. I can only hope none of these savants end up in technical support -- on either side of the phone. Rob McMillin <rlm@pricegrabber.com> I admire your joie de malice, but really — bogus competence has been very good to me. How else do you think I ended up writing this? Pixel Vixen Hurrah! Well written, and echoes truths bound to leave the inane buggered and the web marketers choking on their own latex inflatable ego. As a technology manager trying (I emphasize trying) to implement an e-commerce system for a major financial services company, very few understand that Functionality and Usability are the priority when trying to develop a tool to lead to success. I cannot possibly cite the number of instances where marketing managerís gaze suddenly glazes over and nearly drool in catatonia when listening to the issues of functional flows, navigation, and usability. eric lang <langericp@earthlink.net> You know, I got email from someone earlier today who specializes in fetishwear. Perhaps you and he should get together and offer an e-fetish line; latex inflatable egos might be the next big thing. Of course; the marketing people aren't going to actually use the product they're selling. I suggest recasting the flows, navigation and usability in these terms: brand identity. That should keep them awake. Then it's your job to pull a fast one and actually try to marry the brand to a non-hideous surfing experience. Pixel Vixen |
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