for 31 March 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Project Zapster The idea of thousands of fake accounts with mislabelled ABH files is actually a workable idea. I have a feeling the movie industry moguls have already started using this defensive strategy on Hotline... Gordon Stewart <stewarg@yahoo.com> But then the geeks are just going to counter with better tools. And then Old Media will come up with some new scheme. And... It's the virus/copy-protection battle all over again, but with the roles reversed. Those damned corporate punks don't care about anything! They're anarchists! Anarchists! Greg Knauss  i'm sure i'll have someting to say once the shock wears off so please don't auto-ignore me yet, but i just had to react to 'zapster' by emailing you one short note of admiration. "you guys are like gods." given religious precident, please forgive the lack of definitave proof of strong supporting argument. <p0pstar@hotmail.com> Well, thanks, Mr. Star. We've always said that definitive proof isn't needed as long as you believe. And if you do believe, send cash now or we'll kill you. Suck is an Old God. Greg Knauss Oh you fucked up! I would hope that this article was written solely in jest... I niether represent the developers or the users of napster, but in a world where you pay for the thing God made for free I say it's time the people found a way to get over on the industry. If people want to trade songs over the internet to one another free of charge, so be it, if you're not a recording artist or a member of the conglomerate orginaztions that have been raping the finances of the world's people through the overpricing of tapes and CD's, Lp's and 8 tracks, I dont see what the hell you're bitching about, Raul. Additionally, the cost of music increases almost every fiscal year, but the question is, does the salary of the recording artist also increase? Very little, and compared to what the companies(pimps) make off thier artists(hoes), they might as well be recording for free. So in conclusion, music is a gift, it is as nessecary to the human soul as is water and air to the body, and frankly much of the music that is out today SUCKS, it must be on the behalf of the executives, and the underwriters and the all CEO's that this article was written... I enjoy reading SUCK everday, and this letter is not to discredit the many fine editors and journalists who work for SUCK, it's just for you RAUL to let you know that your opinion on this subject SUCKS, and next time proof-read your work before you start opening that cock-holster of yours to down-talk anything, I will also make sure you get alot of feedback on this one, I sure I'm not the only one who thinks you SUCK!! Joseph Mitchell <josephcmitchell@hotmail.com> Well, I'm convinced! Waiter, I'll have a double of whatever he's having! And you'd better tie me down first. Greg Knauss Subject: Where do you get your demographics? Being an avid reader of Suck for about 2 years, imagine my surprise at having my demographic nailed so handily. Not only was I running my week-old download of Napster in the background, but I was also downloading some cheery NIN to listen to! Whether you get your demographics from speculative wild-eyed intuition or as part of a bigger corporate machine, I am very impressed, if not a little creeped out. Assuming that young urban professionals like myself are the big target for corporations, I would expect you to be floating the Suck IPO from your ad revenue alone. As far as your Hipster idea, there will always be plenty of brand-conscious people to buy the physical media. Just look at vinyl collectors and enthusiasts to see how outmoded technology can still keep a warm spot in the hearts of so many Neil Diamond aficionados. I see little to worry about for the recording industry. Cheers, Jason Payne <jpaynes@peoplepc.com> I don't know that Neil Diamond's vinyl sales are going to keep anybody waist-deep in cocaine, Jason, and the market for wax cylinders isn't what it once was either. If the industry can't hang on to young urban professionals like you, it's in deep, deep doo-doo. Oh, and we only nailed your demographic so well because of the cameras. Jesus, man, take your finger out of your nose. Greg Knauss Our Crass-roots Movement continued Subject: Suck forevah, and evah and evah and evah.... Dear Sucksters.... I noticed (be the thorough and dedicated reader that I am...) that Anand Bhat got a t-shirt for writing an e-mail! Well, I wrote an e-mail too. To Shift Magazine about their shiftlist which lists Word, McSweeney's and the Onion as their e-zines of choice. So I wrote them a few choice words about their lack of discrimination and taste when they posted their choices. Unlike Anand, however I didn't bother to document the letter (and I'm too lazy to write a reproduction), because I didn't really think e-mail would count. So, uh, I' want what's coming to me. I don't want a t-shirt, but some stickers would be nice....or you could print my letter! Yeah, that would be the highlight of my week at least! If you do, don't forget to print this part: OTTAWA SENATORS RULE! Well, OK, I'm done begging. For now that is! Regards, Malcolm Jean <mjean@fitt.ca> Attention to detail, Malcolm. That's the name of the game. We want to see those choice words. Also, confronting publications about their omission of Suck.com from their coverage really works better if you don't lead by commenting on their lack of discrimination and taste. You catch more bees with honey, baby. First, you flatter and fawn, then you gently inquire about why Suck wasn't included. Petty insults and foot-stamping really only work here at Suck, where the rule is more like, "You catch more flies with shit." Everywhere else that stuff will get you ignored. And for Christ's sake, let's see a little effort out there! We're in an expansive mood in terms of giving away free stuff, but all of you's better be aware that Suck High Flyer Timothy Tolle has substantially raised the bar for what we consider merch-worthy activity. That kid got out there, spent his own money, traveled across the City of the Angels, and stood up proudly for what he believed. There wasn't a dry eye in the house! You don't necessarily have to go to that length, but put some shoulder into it. This "I sent an email, where's my shirt?" business is fine for the Fish page, but we want to see style and chutzpah, creativity and spectacle. Work the phones! Work the streets! Make your voice heard! Don't just think free merchandise means an unlimited five-fingered discount, as if the Suck storefront window has just been smashed open by a trash can (although, of course, throwing a trash can through a storefront window is the type of activity we'd be inclined to reward). But no big deal. All we had to do was publish your letter. Go Ottawa Senators! Sucksters Free Lori Hi: I am the father of Lori Berenson, wrongfully incarcerated in Peru for four years and four months. The webmaster of our www.freelori.org site sent me a message from Suck magazine (March 24) where the writer mentioned a disappointment with not receiving an award but put things in perspective about disappointments by mentioning my daughter Lori's plight. I must say I had difficulty figuring out how to email you and I hope this is going to the correct address (the message from the webmaster came from thesuck.net). I just wanted to say thank you for writing this and mentioning Lori. I wish she could have a computer and read your web site -- but she is denied anything electronic. She has no access to radio, TV, phone, newspapers or magazines. She is cut off from the world. She once was quite proficient with the computer -- she now has been cut off for 52 months. She could never contemplate the amount of technological progress that has occurred since her arrest? With appreciation for your concerns, Mark Berenson <berenson@freelori.org> Good luck with your fight. Glad we could be helpful in some small way. Sucksters Hit & Run Subject: Get An Editor Sucksters, Your unclear piece about second-tier celebrities promoting vegeterianism seemed to either suggest that the celebrities representing the cause were embarassing or, even less clear, that the cause was more important than using lame celebrities to promote it. Clarity could have been provided if you would have stated if more important celebrities would have furthered the cause (Tom Cruise biting into soy ribs?) or if the promotion itself, because of the innate lameness of the celebrities, was degraded. Also, what did the picture of Dick Van Dyke have to do with the piece? Get an Editor, Sam Sachdeva <greensleeve71@hotmail.com> Library of Congress We missed you, Sam! There was a nice three-or four-month run there, when you were writing to us from that Library of Congress address pert near every day, reminding us each time that Suck was intolerable, not worth the effort, lower than mouse shit. You didn't mince words! A handful of your stern licks: "Your e-mail address best summarizes—in Arnold action speech— today's column: polly suck." "...a precursor to the used rag the Sucksters have become .... the unfortunate cyncism that overwhelms all humor in Suck." "After reading today's lengthy, tiring, unfunny cartoon column, I have concluded that if Suck fails—which, it seems to humble me, is implied in the content of its columns—you are most likely going to end up writing sitcoms. This, as you probably agree, would be your natural home: you're not funny but think you are, and you're bland, witless remarks are disguised as humorous insights." "... filled with the chronially deluded humanity (represented best by Baby Boomers), who are sure only of their vanity, racist beliefs, and consequenceless ambition, as the nineties are." "Pitiful. Really. In today's column, you oscillate between gloating that those of us who believe a sober Gary Coleman is funnier and hipper than the Suck you assembly-line produce every weekday and just wish that you were gone so the domain name were available, and your satircal acknowledgement that maybe, hmmm, could it be, that the convulated articles aren't funny. Somewhere, I guess, you do realize that you aren't funny—just not enough to however to get you to improve your writing." Sure it stung at first. But after a while we sort of got to enjoy the feeling of your rough justice. There was that little bit of tension each morning: Would this issue be bad enough to warrant a tough-guy beatdown from Sam the Man? Fearing that you'd give us the back of your hand... Fearing that you wouldn't... And then you disappeared, leaving us confused, disoriented, daydreaming of the hour when you'd walk back into our lives and lay down the law in man-sized smacks until we called you Sir. But now you're back! And we're never letting you go! We're bent over and ready to take what you're handing out! Lay it right down the middle, you big silly! Sucksters Your responses in The Fish use to be short and Bitter now there long and Denis Miller Like Rants, what happened did becoming part of Lycos free up some time or is because working for Suck is kind of but not quite like being unemployed and the quality of Daytime TV has gone down ever sense Queen Latifa got her own show. What happend to the good old days when you just called people "Stupid" these long respones almost seem like you care and that would be a major change in policy. Ben <globalbenfinder@hotmail.com> Ben, You're stupid. Sucksters The Suck Crassroots Movement Holy shit! You guys got linked from MSN, MSNBC and Slate today! I guess you got some of what you were hoping for... ...unless it's all just a crude tactic to placate you and hope that you go away. Teddy Roosevelt once complained that people were nominating him for the presidency so that they could get rid of him. Nonetheless, the pro-Suck letter campaign continues. Who do you think I should try pestering? The Pie Guy Try pestering Total Request Live. Stand out there in Times Square with the kids, tell them you want to say who's the hottest 'N' Sync-er, then give a shoutout to Suck.com. Sucksters Dear Sucksters, Along with reading Suck at work, one of my many hobbies is maintaing the The Christopher Hitchens Web. I've recently put up a Suck plug in a brazen attempt to obtain some free merchandise. Though the counter is currently registering only 29195 hits, you should know the CHW comes under regular attack from anti-Hitchens hackers who "bomb" the site and return the counter back to zero. As for media elite, Michael Kinsley once e-mailed, making light of the Hitchens Memorabilia link. I think it's probable that others swing by from time to time (I'm convinced the loathsome Tucker Carlson is stealing his stuff - maybe not from the website, though) Anyway, surely this is deserving of at least a Suck book bag, although a Suck T-shirt would look great with the gray sweat pants and Converse hightops I don when heading down to the gym to toss the medicine ball. best, Peter Kilander <peterk@enteract.com> Send me your USPS address. Stickers coming your way. However, some clarification is in order: 1. We are definitely NOT giving out merch to anybody who puts a link up on his or her own page. The idea is to get our readers - who need to be getting more sunshine anyway - OUT into the world and spreading the good news of Suck 2. I was unable to actually find your link to Suck. My associate here assures me it is on one of the pages further down, and I'll take his word for it. However, front-page placement is really the least you can do for Suck. 3. Your page contains links to seemingly every article you can find that mentions Hitchens. Suck has featured Hitchens prominently in many articles. Three off the top of my head: !'s piece on Edward Said and the art of newly found heritage. Mr. Mxyzptlk's on the year of the snitches. My own Hit and Run on Cockburn vs. Hitchens... And so on. This is a good time to remind all and sundry that spreading the good news of Suck is something you should be doing as a matter of course, not just when we're offering something. That having been said, I know you're a longtime reader, and we're happy to give out merch to all loyalists. You will be getting some stickers. But as Tom Hanks said: Earn this! yr pal, Tim |
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