for 5 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
|
|
Filler please, please, dear god (not you, just the general plea), tell me that next week we can look forward to a guide on how to solve having a bad head. or at the very least, a treatise on who makes a good relationship partner for a bad head case (in both senses). thanks for the fun :) nick <masturbating-frantically@home.com> What an email address. Holy bad head. Look, if I could write a guide on how to solve a bad head, would I be writing this bad-headed cartoon with my bad head week after week? I think not. I might be building tasteful floral arrangements or training miniature Poodles or joining some kind of a club filled with people who all agree and feel strongly about something or other. But surely I wouldn't be sitting here in this "office" filled with largely useless but important-looking "office supplies," trying to write "funny" stuff and mostly just overusing scare quotes in emails to strangers. Anyway. Bad headed individuals can have successful, long-term relationships. They just have to choose their partners very carefully. Possible partners for those with bad heads: 1. A turnip 2. A wire monkey with a milk bottle attached 3. Someone from another country who can barely speak the same language and can only communicate with gestures and big exaggerated smiles, or better yet... 4. A little doggie There you go. Now go get 'em, tiger! Go get all the turnips and little doggies you deserve! Polly  Subject: Bad Head I'm impressed. You've managed to sum up the majority of my pathetic, introverted mental life in just a few short pages (see, even my compliment was self-indulgent!). And Dave Eggers is overrated, though not as much as that bombastic moron who wrote Infinite Jest. Rob Peneguy <peneguy@tryc4.com> Glad I could sum up your introverted life so well. Anyone would feel overrated with the press Dave Eggers is getting, but I personally think he's a perfectly talented and reasonable individual who people are envious of, and therefore, speak of often. And David Foster Wallace is most certainly not a moron. Infinite Jest is worthwhile - for at least 200 pages, anyway.Did you read his book of essays, "A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again"? I loved it. You know, you don't have to refuse a good ride on a bandwagon just to remain thoroughly original and special. In fact, refusing to acknowledge the talent of those two writers in particular is about the most repetitive lament around right now. Both of those whippersnappers write great shit, if you ask me. Repetitive laments are the stuff of bad heads. Bad head is bad! Polly Nonsequitor Time Sitting at the computer with a Broken back and Dr. Idiot is in a hurry to go to lunch and it's only 8:45 and his stupid office opened at 8:30. The only way to cure his pain is to load up the masses on brain killing drugs, of which he get's a healthy stipend for every mort that he chains to the companies bottom line. Fifteen years to the day that these highly educated politicos of frenzy have been trying their darnedness to avoid the issue, that which generally slips their mind on a regular basis... and it's called "let's focus more on your unusual behavior" instead of trying to treat the stupid problem. Then and only then can you sit back and try to reclaim your LOST YOUTH. Just once you wish you could beat Hollywood at their game but you know on the weekend you're going to trot your ass to the usual sheepherd and watch another one, even if you could make a better one yourself...same as every other sheep. Same as every other porno-site, same as your ugly wife. So what is it this week? Polish off another bottle of cheap scotch or maybe hair tonic and Tylenols. The ghetto is crawling with them; the farther away you get from them the more you act like them. What a viscous circle.Sardonic at best. Dreary most likely. <Blackest27jdm@aol.com> Sitting in a chair with acne and the old man's in the bathtub with candles and floating rubber duckies - the whole faggotty nine yards, and the dog is shivering because it's pretty sure someone's going to make it take a bath, but it's wrong, but you still find it sort of comforting to see the dog so humbly upset. It's 6:55 pm and something's got to be on TV tonight, so you ask the old man what's on tonight, and he claims not to know, but you bet he does know. The dog growls at something outside. The only sure way to know is to look in the paper, and that means getting out of the fucking chair. No thanks, but still you're fairly certain whatever shit is on, you could write something better, of course you could. So could your husband and his rubber ducky and his rubber ducky's agent, who says goofy teen stuff like Porky's II is back with a vengance. Old people are so bitter. Bitterness causes back pain, you know. You'll never get your youth back and even if you did, we have a feeling you wouldn't know what to do with it. At least YOU can take you seriously, even if we can't. Sucksters Suck: Many of Our Readers Are CEO s! Subject: JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT DATE AUCTION Hello, My name is Robert R. Yates, I am John Wayne Bobbitt's manager. I was wondering if you would be interested in having your site auction off a date with John Wayne Bobbitt, something similiar to what www.ugo.com did with Gary Coleman. John generates a lot of publicity no matter what he does. When John feel like he does 40 to 60 radio shows a week worldwide not including TV and print. If we do something like the Coleman thing, it will bring a lot of worldwide press to your company. I have several media contacts and will have them all run an article on it. And if John is lucky he will get a date and you never know it just might be the girl John settles down with. And if that happens the press on that would be unbelievable. And John is trying to find himself that special someone. If interested send me an E-mail or contact me at 716-297-9006. Thanks Robert R. Yates CEO Risky Business Inc. <BobbitsRep@aol.com> Well, if we had to choose between Tom Arnold and John Wayne Bobbitt, we'd really have to go with Arnold. He's lost a lot of weight, his member's intact, as far as we know. Plus he put up with Roseanne Barr, whereas Bobbit has a pretty suspect history of infuriating women to the point of violent assault. And if John can do 40 to 60 radio shows a week worldwide (is that humanly possible?) why do you need us? Ah, you know, maybe we shouldn't be using such a casual tone when talking to a CEO. Our apologies. Best of luck, Sucksters Corrections for the Rest of Us Subject: apology expected This was in the Onion a couple of months ago and is soil-yer-pants funny: 'Correction — On Nov. 9, The Onion erroneously quoted U.S. Rep. Frank McMillan (R-ID) as saying, "Holy living shit, Christ Almighty, this is some good fucking cocaine." In actuality, the Congressman said, "Any attempt to reform Social Security without a corresponding broadbased restructuring of the federal tax code is destined to fail." The Onion regrets the error.' little jimmy <jstattel@hms.harvard.edu> Little Jimmy — Thanks for your note. Generally speaking, the Onion has the soil-yer-pants demographic all sewn up. Here at Suck, we're really aiming more for spotting, cramps, abdominal pain. Thus, Olestra is more of a direct competitor, and I think we're a damn sight funnier than that. As a Harvard Med School student, you surely can appreciate the difference. Best regards, E.L. Skinner The Suck Advisor: What should I do about my pretentious roommate? Dear Suck, I have a roommate who is, quite possibly, the very embodiment of pretentiousness. And he's a 22-year-old, out of work extra: "I don't drink wine that's under $40 a bottle." "I lived in New York for nine months and now I read 'The New Yorker' because it's the only magazine that can properly update me on what's playing on Broadway (even though I'm living in Toronto)." "Bryan Singer left me a phone message." "Why would I want to go out with the people from work? They don't pay me to hang out with anybody off set." "I've got an audition today for a Rice Krispies commercial." "There — you can just see me walking in the background with my head down, facing away from the camera." Thank you for the article. When the lease is up on my crib, this loser (I live with the putz) is out of my life like shit out of my asshole. To think the inspirations for your article likely aren't an everyday part of your lives. Please wish the same for me. Hurry. Paul Miazga Toronto, Canada <paulmiazga@usa.net> Man, these quotes are NOT true. Please tell me they're not true. Because if they are we're going to fire our entire writing staff and just pay you to send in one real quote from your roommate every day. Your roommate is a fucking genius. I would pay double whatever your rent is for a chance to live with your roommate. Here's how you should make lemonade from this lemon you've got: Do what I did. Get a manual typewriter and a stack of PostIt notes. Every time your roommate utters a particularly memorable nugget, you type it up on a PostIt note and put it up on the wall. In no time you'll have a wall of fame that will be the envy of your neighbors. My roommate was not quite as inspired as yours, but he still managed to come up with some winners: "I'm thinking of doing a Nexis search for cultural buzzwords." "You should try only getting high every other day. That'll put some bounce back in your step!" "We won't get evicted because they know I'm the only one in the building who's not on welfare, who's always there with the money, solid as a greengrocer." And many more that I can't remember. And remember to take the typewriter with you when you leave. When I think back on those days, it's really the typewriter that I miss, not the roommate. yr pal, tim |
|
||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||
   |
||||||||||||||||
 |  |
|||||||||||||||
 |   | |||||||||||||||
![[Tim Cavanaugh]](/fish/staff/images/tim.gif)
![[Copy Edit]](/fish/contributors/images/gies.gif){kind=small}
![[Phillip Bailey]](/fish/staff/images/phil.gif){kind=small}
![[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]](/fish/staff/images/erin.gif){kind=small}
![[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]](/fish/staff/images/brian.gif)
![[the fixin'
pixie... ]](/fish/staff/images/emily.gif)
![[Ian
Connelly]](/fish/staff/images/ian.gif){kind=small}