for 12 April 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler: Do You Have a Bad Head? Subject: bad head cat faces From the Fish page: "Bad headed individuals can have successful, long-term relationships. They just have to choose their partners very carefully. Possible partners those with bad heads: [...] 4. A little doggie" What about the prototypical bad-head animal, cats? They're surly, clumsily manipulative, and alternatingly cloying and standoffish -- all the better to fit a bad-head owner's moods to a T! They even attack furniture! Sean M. Burke <sburke@netadventure.net> Yeah, but cats are really bad when you need comforting and they don't feel like giving it. I'm not saying that they don't get it right when you feel really awful and look sort of pale and downtrodden. But when you're sort of just annoyed and grumpy and you need a happy greeting from the cat, that asshole's off chasing some fly or staring at you from across the room while you yell, "Damn it, come over here right now and give me a nice cuddle, or else!" How stupid do you feel forcing your animal into a hug? Actually, that's part of the benefit of having a cat, though. Making it struggle to break free from your arms, Abominable-Snowman style. Clumsy mean pet owner, Polly  Filler: Adulthood and Thank You Notes Not that you care, but I live in Halifax and Filler wasn't up like it usually is when I got into work this morning. I know we're in the Atlantic-who-really-cares zone but there's nothing like seeing my life online to really perk me up every Wednesday. Today I really had a hard time getting started at my job of whore for an ad agency without that little boost. Please try to be more punctual in the future. I'm fragile enough as it is! Thanks. Kara Holm <kara@mctl.ca> That's so funny, because when Filler didn't go up this morning like it usually does, Phil, the production dude, took a break from huffing lemony fresh Pledge and started to really sweat over making Filler live as soon as possible. Or maybe he was sweating from the Pledge inhalation. At any rate, I said, "Hey, Phil, who really cares about those whores in the Atlantic time zone?" But Phil said, "Those Atlantic whores are fragile enough as it is, Polly!" This from a guy whose lips have a perpetual waxy buildup. More fragile than thou, Polly Subject: American Snooty Dear Polly, Filler this week started off as the usual witty, uplifting in a perverse way, graphically augmented essay. The pizza/sack of shit metaphor cracked me up. However, that was the hanging pause at the top of the roller-coaster. From that point on, I was submerged in vertigo and screaming all the way down to the bottom of the pit of my soul. My ego splattered against the hard concrete of loving your friendly cats more than your catty friends, resembling a puddle of mashed bananas. It was an E-ticket having my mind read like that, but please don't do that to me too often. I'm already maxed out on my Celexa dosage. Cheers, Rob Maybe we all need to make some brand new friends. Make new friends and keep the old, one is warm and fuzzy and the other's cold! Just kidding. Catty intellectuals just don't do it for me, though. I'm always walking the line between wanting smart, busybody type friends, like little parrots sitting on my shoulder, commenting intelligently on everything they see, and wanting warm, lovable friends like little doggies wagging their tails whenever I walk in the door, and then sitting next to me while they chew on their bones or bark at stuff outside. I spend a lot of time with the dogs and then I feel slightly bored and hang out with a parrot or two, but then one of them says, "You know, with all due respect, I really think you're oversimplifying the dichotomy I established earlier." Then I get one of my dogs to rip the parrot to shreds. I like smart people who apply their intelligence to stupid things. But smart people often take discussions so seriously that they feel they have to drive their points home or dispute what you just said, and then you've got a pointless one-upmanship situation going on where people defend their sides just to be contrary, even though they generally believe their own arguments about as much as if they were assigned that side in a debate in 10th grade English. I want everyone making sloppily intelligent, grossly exaggerated points for the sake of humor and then tossing back their drinks and moving on to something else. See, I'm way too dimwitted and shallow to warrant dosage adjustments, Rob. Good doggie. Polly Polly, As far as I can tell, you think the Fish page is your own personal forum for rambling on about whatever comes to mind. You never pay any attention to the point a person makes. You just talk about yourself. Get a life. Alicia Randall <alr61@hotmail.com> You know, one of the best things I've ever seen on TV was this interview with Monica Seles last spring. She was talking in this no-nonsense voice about her strategy while they showed clips of her beating someone on the court. Then they cut to a closeup of her mother in the stands, holding a little terrier. Suddenly Monica's voice changed entirely, and she squealed, "There's my little doggie!" It was like suddenly she was so excited for her little doggie, that it got to be on TV. I thought that was pretty cute. And about a million times more interesting than what came before and after it. It was genuinely dorky. Genuine dorkiness is great. It made John Cusack a huge star, for one. What did you want to know again? Polly Polly, What a reassuring treat to see you back on top of your game! I can't tell you how lovely it was to see you reading my thoughts again. I am truly grateful for your creative contibution to my workday. Again, Thank you Anichka <boroughs@law.duke.edu> Back on top of my game? And I'm on top of my game when I'm...reading your thoughts. Very interesting logic. Hey, have you seen that commercial for Budget where they give the guy the jetpack to get to his car? That's the best commercial that's ever been made. The jetpack engine is roaring and the guy standing next to him is screaming something like, "Just remember to shut off the blahblahblah valve before you..." and then... Well, you gotta see it. But I bet you were just thinking about that already. Mindreader, Polly Intention Deficit Disorder Subject: ADD & Diet I believe that many health problems are most likely caused by the American diet. While I don't have ADD myself, my mother and I have been diagnosed with a Candida yeast infection. Part of our problem is eating a diet that is too high in refined products such as sugar. (Have you noticed that high fructose corn syrup is in everything these days?) No wonder Eli Lilly is getting into the diabetes business. It's taken me 6 and my mother 15 years to find a holistic medical doctor who understands our problems. I've come to the realization that most doctors only understand what pill to prescribe. Most don't acknowledge the profound and cumulative impact that diet can have on our bodies over the years since they have not been educated in nutrition. One book I read stated that the average physicians knows as much about nutrition as his secretary. However, if the secretary goes to Weight Watchers, then about half as much. One of my doctors told me she only received 30 minutes worth of nutrition education in med school. As a result, she eats half a box of Oreos and milk for dinner. (FYI, too much milk is bad because of all the lactose, milk sugar, in it. However, we're educated from a very early age to drink milk and make sure that we "Got Milk". Could you imagine not drinking milk? It equates with not being American.) I think the medical establishment needs a wake-up call. There's lots of good things that naturopaths are doing these days with low-tech remedies and herbs (which means no money for drug companies). I suspect that physicians are just "in bed" with drug companies because that's what they've been taught - how to write prescriptions. They look to the drug companies for answers. The trouble with drugs is that some have some very bad side effects and then one needs to take more drugs for the side effects. The advantage of drugs is that most work quickly. However, herbs, etc. are more gentler to the system and take longer to work. Most of our doctors are not going to change on their own. I've run into some obnoxious and ignorant people who gave me very little hope. On the contrary, I also ran into some well-meaning doctors who worked with me to try every possible solution, but they were still ignorant. They worked with what tools they had which were drugs. I'm much more skeptical about doctors these days and it's a good thing. I'm only 28, and it's a healthy perspective to have. These folks are not the demigods they're made out to be. They know what they've been taught, and I doubt how often they ever research their patients' problems or learn something new. Most would like to hand you a pill and have you leave quickly so that they can see someone else and repeat the procedure. And as long as they're following standard medical practices, they're technically not doing any harm. about ADD & diet about the Selective Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) Jerry <crustfan@netscape.net> 1.) Milk is the most repulsive thing on earth. It's like drinking pus. I stopped when I was about ten minutes old. Seeing grown-ups drink a big cold glass of the stuff makes me shudder and gag. 2.) Except in coffee. 3.) Oreos aren't bad at all. 4.) If I don't run at least five miles, hard, every day? Cranky, unbalanced, miserable, awful person. Tantrums. Bursts of profanity. Lethargy. Destructive bursts of unfocused energy. So: Diet, sure, but exercise, too. 5.) There are those who would argue that I'm an awful person when I run, too, but they stop complaining when I hit them. Take that for what it's worth. And these are my thoughts on the subject. Ambrose Editor's note: Overprescribing drugs for children is undoubtedly an incredibly alarming trend. However, lest this become another idiotically simpleminded doctor-bashing pile-on... "Most of our doctors are not going to change on their own. I've run into some obnoxious and ignorant people who gave me very little hope. On the contrary, I also ran into some well-meaning doctors who worked with me to try every possible solution, but they were still ignorant. They worked with what tools they had which were drugs....I'm much more skeptical about doctors these days and it's a good thing. I'm only 28, and it's a healthy perspective to have. These folks are not the demigods they're made out to be." So, we can choose between obnoxious ignorant doctors and well-meaning ignorant doctors? No sane person thinks doctors are demi-gods, Jerry, just as no sane person thinks that someone who spent 6 - 10 years studing the hard science behind how your body functions is "ignorant" - more ignorant than you, who read a few books about herbs and how yeast breads give you everything from headaches to cancer. These people know more than you, Jerry, as horrifying as that may be to hear. While it's true that many, many doctors overprescribe drugs, and many doctors don't listen closely to patients' accounts of what's wrong with them, you have to keep in mind the sheer volume of patients doctors see every day who are sure that little green men are giving them stomach aches. It's your responsibility to find a doctor who listens to you, and respects your hesitancy to use unneeded pharmaceuticals, and respects your testimony regarding homeopathic remedies. However, given the fact that you're sure your health problems can be summed up with the words "Candida yeast infection" and that drinking milk is bad for everyone because of those "milk sugars," you may have more trouble than most people do finding this person. Sucksters Having raised two boys who were labeled ADD and ADHD at early ages (five and seven, respectively), I look with growing dismay upon this "The kid's hyperactive, let's put him on drugs to quiet him down" model of education that seems to be growing more and more popular here in the good old U.S. of A. I'll be the first to admit that the behavioral situation in the nation's public schools is bad, but is wholesale medication of the populace really the answer? In addition to the blatantly mixed message that this sends to our youth (Carry Midol in your purse and we'll expel you, but get all of the horse tranquilizers that you want in the nurse's office), it implies that no one is responsible for his own behavior, a message that must bring at least a small shred of joy to the presumed souls of Messrs. Harris and Klebold, wherever they are. I'd certainly be the last to deny a child needed medication to treat a medical condition, but in the case of strictly behavioral "problems", other options should be given a chance before rolling out the big guns. Just last year, I finally persuaded my wife, a true believer in the power of prescription drugs, that we should try some alternative therapies. I mean, the older boy is a high-school senior; what, he should take Ritalin until he's 40? After experimenting with various dietary supplements, I found what seems to be the right combination, and he's doing splendidly, despite my wife's concerns that his grades would fall in this crucial year. Also, I know that teachers are underpaid, undertrained, and under-resourced, and any "solution" that provides results as quickly as the average psychotropic drug must look very attractive indeed. Certainly, in these days of ADSL connections, same-day delivery, and 30-second microwave burritos, we are conditioned to believe that the quickest solution is the best. Besides, imagine the potential genius that's being stifled every time a budding Albert Einstein or Jane Goodall pops a Prozac. (Imagine a fancy inline graphic here.) "There must be more to life than having everything." --Maurice Sendak John C Harvey <jharvey@irving.lib.tx.us> Actually, we've been meaning to talk to you about those boys of yours. Could you get them to keep it down? We're trying to get some work done. midol in my purse, Ambrose Ambrose Beer, Well done. You've voiced exactly the sort of conspiracy I've long suspected, but failed to identify, even in my home. As evidence, I offer up my crop of teenagers who, thankfully, are not prescription medicated. They are damaged however. Guess I should have played that Zappa album about the slime more often. Now, because I allowed that cathode ray tube into my home years ago, they are lost - firmly in the pocket of whoever wants to sell them something: anything, as long as it's on their radar screen. Now they only venture away from that glowing tube to do two things; to get money or to spend money. How sad that I'm too feeble to force-march them outside for a breath of fresh air or any other form of activity that doesn't require consumption and great buttloads of money. Where corporate interests and the economy is concerned, you are truly subversive. Watch your back! Robert M. Farr Austin, Texas <bobfarr@earthlink.net> There will be no t.v. for little Baby Beers, should she or he ever be conceived. I sound like somebody's WWI-vet grandpa, but that goddamn evil box is the worst drug of them all. Well, except for the dirty stations on cable. Those are very nice. And the fella what wrassles with the alligators. Ambrose |
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