for 3 May 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Kids Are People Too one of the main reasons that people considered Elian Gonzalez arrival in America miraculous is that he wasn't sunburned when he got there, having spent several days at sea. sure, the dolphins are glamourous but IMHO sun-resistance is a lot more supernatural. it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he really was the Cuban Messiah (that would make a pretty good name for a rapper or a pro-wrestler). haven't you ever read 'the divine invasion'? America rules that the holy secular nuclear family trumps all mythological significance. strictly speaking, isn't a Elian's "father" a myth? it just doesn't seem fair to me. the same thing happened in Waco: the violent enforcement of a set of decadent cultural values. in America today, if you don't think like a sitcom writer your opinion doesn't really count (not to mention being converted into a sort of snuff porn for those who do). i guess it's pretty clear which side YOU're on! Demmy Rooster <root@treehouse.dyndns.org> You need to follow the news a little more closely, Demmy. Elián was treated at the hospital for sunburn and dehydration, having spent 27 hours in the water. It is pretty well established that the reason he didn't get burned worse was that the adults with him covered him up and tried to protect him, before they themselves croaked. Believe it or not, sometimes the best source for news is not a Philip K. Dick book, but a newspaper. Yr pal, BarTel  I can't believe you people are still writing about the goddamn Elian Gonzalez crap. You, along w/every other media outlet in existence, need to get over it! 7 children were injured yesterday in a shooting in Washington, D.C. in the National Zoo, for christ's sake. Why is no one talking about this? Simply b/c no one is dead? Or b/c they're black? Get off the goddamn Elian bandwagon and talk about something *important*, would you please? How about a nice rant/ironic essay about how shootings like Columbine get loads of press and gun bills put through Congress for them, but a basic gang related shootout between black kids gets a couple erroneous articles in the Washington Post? For some reason, I expected better from Suck...some kind of stand-up-and-take-notice attitude/realization about it all. What am I, a stupid journalism student? Sadly. <kjulietta@aol.com> Well, I don't think it's fair to expect me to answer that last question based on one letter. But yes — if you are working toward a journalism degree without being able to understand why Elian is an interesting story that deserved the attention it got, then you are a stupid journalism student. And if you didn't know that the National Zoo shooting was the lead story in newscasts and papers around the country (getting front-page, above-the-fold, screamer-headline treatment way out here in California), you're an inattentive journalism student to boot. Stay in school. Yr pal, BarTel Filler The last frame of your cartoon today has that woman smirking over her future killing in the stock market because of a schmuck who wants stock in mother nature..... Did you see the mothernature.com stock go from $14 a share to $2 a sharethe other day?! It was fantastic. I don't take much interest in stocks, but when I heard that on the radio the other day, I was amused. And your cartoon made it more amusing to me. Derek G. <derek@helixtech.com> I did see that — it was a day or so after I wrote that piece. I never expected that hippy lady to dump her stock so fast, or I would've shorted it. At least I think that's what I would've done, depending on what that means. Fitter, happier, more productive, Polly Ass monkies, Cash monkies... A more natural expression couldn't be had! Please continue to pull no punches. punchily, Lois Gallagher <lois.gallagher@db.com> Ass monkey, that funky monkey. I reserve the right to pull punches. Pissed on punch, Polly You know, I've always worried about you, but only as part of the gag. "Polly's the queen of bitter, sarcastic, life-hating people." Haha. "I worry about her." Haha. But after that thing with Lucy the dog, I genuinely worry about you. Ray Kremer <rkremer@bradley.edu> You think dogs can't speak to you? Is that what you're implying? Well, they only speak to you if you're listening, man. You gotta be open to their vibe, or else they don't even bother. They'll go, you know, groove on chasing squirrels or licking their assholes or whatever. You gotta have an opened mind, but you know, if you're not into the truth...hey, most people aren't. Don't feel bad about it. Life-hating? You think I'm life-hating? Dude, you are so off-base. Nothing could be further from the truth, man. Life is, like, the best! But you know, go on believing whatever you need to get by. It's all good. Polly I hope you don't crow too loudly in Filler about being correct that the Canadians were responsible for the Hacking Panic last month. Because it was just one Canadian. A 15 year old Canadian. And all our government did to him was tell him he had to be supervised while using a computer until he's 18. Hahahahahaha. Where was I? Not all crack-smoking rabbits are Canadian. Out in BC, we smoke pot, not crack. But Canadians in general are a people who can laugh at themselves, and love seeing mentions of Canada in print (since we are often ignored) which is why everyone in Canada saw the South Park Movie, and then took pains to see Robin Williams sing Blame Canada at the Oscars. Of course I love Filler, but doesn't the adoration get boring after awhile? And dammit, there aren't enough Coupland jokes. You just can't make pop-culture references without bringing up Generation X. Recommended reading: Coupland's essay on mac'n'cheese at his website (coupland.com) - but be careful. He's Canadian, so I bet, like all good Canucks, he puts ketchup on his Kraft Dinner. (Yes, we do that). loyal Canadian fan, Jillian Tate <jillian_tate@hotmail.com> I'm a people who can laugh at myself, and no, adoration doesn't get boring. Perhaps, like many Canadians, you naively overestimate the amount of adoration there is out there in the world. But then, look how far that got Celine Dion! Oh! The punchline to that should have been "Look how far that got Doooglas Coupland!" Ketchup and Kraft Dinner?! I'm stayin'! Polly Kids Are People Too Nice - now yur pickin on 6 year olds (I think he was 5 when he first appeared on the small screen). What about the numb nuts we got runnin the show over here and his Sea Hag side kick running the Goon Squad. Aren't these the ones who disappointed - who let us down? If Wet Willy and the Wicked Witch of the West had any imagination they should have played this right from the beginning. Of course, this has always been a political drama and to play this one effectively - there should have been a quick though not immediate repatiation of this child to his father. But first, we needed to over expose him with the treasures and pleasures of capitalism. This way when he wanted his first Big Screen, Laptop or B-mer - he could make the trip again and we could provide Dolphins wearing cameras. Talk about a political Home Run - this would be two and one half Grand Slams !! Cuba would have their patron Saint Elian to Lionize throghout the homeland - only to have him ripped from their arms once again and propped up in front of the American press holding a Bud and wearing Hilfiger jeans asking the musical question -- Hey Fidel, Wwhaaaassuuuup! Jeff Tyrcha <jtyrcha@yahoo.com> I don't know what repatiation is, but it seems to me that everything you've described is what actually happened. They gave him the red-carpet tour of capitalism, and now they're (probably) sending him back. What more do you want from a public drama? You people with your boundless sense of entitlement! Yr pal, BarTel I think your article dismissed very real possibilities for That Cuban Boy. If you look very closely at the photograph of the mural cited, it is evident that the public painting of Elian Gonzalez astride a dolphin-guarded, angel-protected inner tube, bears a striking resemblance to a young Alfred E. Newman afloat in a dream vision of human transformation. A few more days at sea and little Elian would have the freckles to prove it. This kid is still money, baby. Don't sell him short during this ripe reinvention down phase! By pausing to consider the entire futures arc of this saga I am sure you will see the wisdom in giving Elian a chance to show that his story can still be milked like an industrial heifer cued for a thrice-daily teets stretcher. I implore you to think of others in your profession dependent on the tasty sounds and images of a bereft second cousin once-removed hurling appeals hearing accusations of US Government lobotomies on the entire Cuban Gonzalez crew, of the secret shrinking Castro allegedly sleeping in little Elian's teddy bear, of no food or milk for Elian while he awaited the hearing to prepare for repatriation to the communist regime. This is worthy fodder my fellow journalist, and not to be taken lightly! Lindsay Howerton <lindsay@cstone.net> No disagreement here, friend! As somebody who believes every participant in the OJ trial — from the jurors to Kato to Rosa Lopez to Faye Resnick to The Juice himself — should be given generous lifelong government stipends in gratitude for the entertainment they provided to the American people, I fully support any and all efforts by Elián and company to milk this event for maximum swag and multiple career opportunities. Yr pal, BarTel BarTel d'Arcy I really enjoyed the article. I especially liked how you seamlessly combined two current prevailing American myths: television and evangelism. The fact that we fashion reality from gatekeeping media execs who have both eyes on the rating bottom line is Plato's cave on a Trinitron. I look forward to reading your future stuff. btw: how does one come to write for thesuck.net anyway? Bruce Webb I don't know how anybody else comes to write for Suck, but I found they finally let me publish my screeds after I spent three straight years playing the back end of the horse costume in Suck's annual Christmas play. Yr pal, BarTel Great piece on this brouhaha. Re: dolphins as protectors of mankind; the anecdote you reported reminded me of one of my all time favorite film scenes, a moment in the Adam West Batman movie from 1966. Batman and Robin are fastened to a buoy in the middle of the ocean, sitting targets for a torpedo. There's a terrific explosion. Cut to: Batman and Robin, racing away in the Bat-boat, thinking about how narrow their escape was. After a moment of silence Robin says, "That was a close one." "Yes," Batman broods, "The almost human dolphin...throwing himself in front of the torpedo like that...he gave his life to save ours." Richard Von Busack <regisgoat@earthlink.net> I had forgotten that particular scene, but that movie really was the best and fullest expression of the camp ethos of the Adam West-era Batman. At some similar point in the movie, Robin gets to use a can of Bat Shark Repellant secreted in his belt. Yr pal, BarTel [Editor's note: In a followup note, Mr. Von Busack pointed out that Robin actually gets the Bat Shark Repellant from a rack inside the Batcopter, next to cans of "Bat Whale Repellant," and "Bat Squid Repellant." I briefly thought that I was the only depraved individual whose sense of compassion was replaced by annoyance at the emotional fluidity of our Boy Hero. I know you were being sarcastic, but I actually found my gringo ass giggling at the photos of the anguished fisherman protecting Elian from that submachine gun toting Waffen SS member who ruthlessly abducted the boy and sent him off to ... his father. The Cuban martyrs in Miami claim that the issue was about the welfare of the child - bullshit. When that kid returns to Cuba he's going to get to be Christ (or the communist equivalent thereof) all over again. Not bad, if you think about it ... I mean it is one thing to be the Prodigal Son once, but twice, in two countries?!!! At least its a step towards free trade. It starts with little boys, then cigars and pretty soon that big island gambling resort waiting to happen will be in the clutches of American Capitalism once again. Pikachu will accomplish what Kennedy through Clinton could not. Viva la Revolucion. Thanks for the brilliant column. Bill Ardolino <Bill.Ardolino@fm.Meristar.com> PS - Change your name and go into hiding. If any Miami Cubans catch sight of your column, they may pull a little Ayatollah-Rushdie action on your ass. Thanks, Bill. Since you brought up Donato Dalrymple — the fisherman in the closet — consider this: Dalrymple is a fisherman who came across Elián's inner tube. After scooping the boy out of the water, he returns to Florida, where Elián is taken to Joe DiMaggio hospital for treatment and gets the benefit of the dry-land immigration policy (which would not have been the case had Elián been found by the US Coast Guard). But before he exits the scene, Dalrymple gets a press picture taken of himself laying out Elián's precious garments to dry on his boat. Then he gets "emotionally involved" in the case, and becomes a "friend of the family." Such a close friend of the family, in fact, that on the night of the raid he's with them in the house, and is in fact the guy who is hiding with Elián in the closet. Now even granting that everybody who meets Elián immediately falls in love with him, what's with Dalrymple's close involvement in the case? If I were conspiracy-minded, I'd say Dalrymple and his cousin were not out there on some "dolphin expedition" on Thanksgiving (who eats dolphin on Thanksgiving anyway?), but were out there looking for rafters from Cuba. They may even have been looking for the very boat Elián was traveling in. We know Elizabet Brotons Rodriguez's boyfriend had been in Florida prior to organizing the trip, and you can be sure Brothers to the Rescue and other Florida connections know about it anytime a refugee boat leaves Cuba. Dalrymple's the key to the case. Get Dalrymple, and you've got Elián! Yr pal, BarTel How can this story end (as you say you wished it would) if media-types like you KEEP writing the stupidest, cruelest stories you can, just to get people to read your little tenth-grade essays!!! You know, this whole story of her dying to get her son to freedom, might have ended up the way she wanted it to, if she wrote out a will. After all, isn't that what we do to ENSURE that our children follow the route we led them on! Nobody ever wants to see, or hear, the sob story until...it is your own! Then, and only then, do we feel the PAIN!!!! We as humans love to forget compassion until that one terrible, tragic day... oh well, who cares right, it's just your Mom that got killed, or just your brother who was tortured, or your own little Elian that was stopped dead in his tracks. JUST ANOTHER HUMAN RIGHT!!!!!!! Steve Brucken <sbrucken@webtv.net> Settle down, Steve! Didn't I ask everybody to put politics aside and do what's right for the boy? When will someone think of the CHILDREN????!!!! I'm only concerned about Elian's well being. What's YOUR agenda, huh, Mr. HUMAN RIGHTS? Why not fess up, you with your advice about writing a last will and testament before boarding a 17-foot aluminum boat to Florida; who's behind you? You're in with the bar association, aren't you? You people kill me with your anti-tort reform measures, threatening to torture our brothers and leave our mothers dying if we don't get everything notarized. Oh yeah, you're real high and mighty there on your Web TV, telling us all how we should make sure we leave our children to the right family members when we make out our wills. But you didn't mention that the relatives who inherit our kids can turn around and sell them WITHOUT HAVING TO PAY AN INHERITANCE TAX! You conveniently forgot to mention that in order to inherit a child you first have to meet the conditions of the will, and that in most wills that means you have to spend one night in the spooky mansion where all those teenagers disappeared exactly ten years ago tonight!! No, you lawyers never get around to talking about any of that stuff until it's too late!!! How many children are going to have to suffer before you guys finally WAKE UP? Just tell me that!!!! BarTel Heya, In a recent "suck" story you wrote: Donato Dalrymple, who won fame as one of Elian's fisherman/rescuers and is now immortalized as the guy in the closet, saw Mahi Mahi - not dolphins - near Elian's inner tube. Nevertheless, when presented with a good story opportunity, Dalrymple proved ready to disbelieve his own two eyes. "I would like to believe that God used the dolphins as an instrument to keep him safe in the water," he told the AP reporter. Just to let you know: Another name for Mahi Mahi is dolphin. I don't know if this is just a regional/Florida oddity, but it's true. Check it out. Nice article though. Reed Beaubouef <jbeaubou@risd.edu> I've been hearing that whole dolphin fish/dolphin mammal thing all my life, and it still makes no sense. The dolphinfish, or Mahi Mahi, is a fish served in finer restaurants. The dolphins in the Elián mural are mammals like Pha and Be from The Day of the Dolphin. It's the mammal version that Dalrymple conceded he did not see. Rest easy, Mr. Beaubouef, if that is your real name. Nobody's eating Flipper out there, and if they are they shouldn't be allowed in this country! Yr pal, BarTel Nice bit about the Elian-protected-by-dolphin's story. One complicating detail: "Mahi Mahi" is one of the several names for a large game fish which was for years called "Dolphin" (and still is by many)-- late-20th C. fetishization of Flipper made a distinction necessary for anybody in the U.S. who wanted to sell the fish w/o being labeled a monster. The exotic Polynesian name of the fish has become vogue (the other common one is "dorado") but "dolphin" is still in circulation -- hence the illustrator may have been more actively misconstruing than the fisherman. Not that this makes the symbology any less overwritten. We're just lucky this didn't unfold around Christmas. Bill Tipper <tipperw@stjohns.edu> I think this is pretty close to what actually happened. The official story is that the fishermen were out tracking Mahi Mahi, or Dolphinfish. From there the artist picked up the dolphin business, and then Dalrymple reverse engineered that, believing that even if he hadn't seen dolphins (the mammal/Flipper variety that is), they still could have been there. Thus a legend is born. There's a similar story about the sculpture of Moses with horns on his head — based on a mistranslation of something in the Bible — which became a standard figure of Moses even though it was based on an error. Sigmund Freud said something about it. Something intriguing, no doubt. Yr pal, BarTel Hey Marisleysis Gonzalez is correct in seeing through the fake Elian - but she hasn't a clue of the full depth of the conspiracy. Doesn't seem odd that we have only seen the easily air brushed photographs of the reunited family? Doesn't it also seem odd that the boy's name - Elian - is remarkably similar to Alien? Considering these facts, the answer is obvious: The new Elian is actually a disguised Chupacabra, and on his return to Cuba and subsequent meeting with the old goat Castro himself, SnickerSnack! The CIA will chortle in their joy. Don't think it couldn't happen, either. You only need hear the name Lou Bega to glimpse the power of the Shadow Government. We are through the Looking Glass here, people! For the safety of my loved ones, I shall remain, RandomGuy ;-) They're going to go to all that trouble just to give Castro a Snickers bar as a snack? Will it be an exploding Snickers, like the old exploding cigar trick? But why put a boy in an inner tube, just to pull that off? Why not just send Gloria Estefan down there on a "good will" mission? Who can figure out this high-level espionage? Yr pal, BarTel |
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