for 12 May 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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The Second Coming of Alan
Keyes Subject: I Hate Neat Stuff... Hey Pee Bag, Good stuff- It's great to see you working again, now GM won't be repossessing your Hummvee. As a black guy I gotta admit Keyes makes me kinda uncomfortable. I'm sorry- that nigger crazy. I just can't figure him out. It looks like I'm facing another no win presidential election this year. On one side I got the deranged combat veteran, who, I'm certain will nuke Saigon first chance he gets. On the other side I got the ninny born with a silver coke spoon in his mouth. Or the warlord of wood, heir to the title of "Mr. dumbass, U.S.A." (the king being Dan Quale), Al Gore. In between all this we got Keyes. He adds a Mr.T quality to this A Team election. I'm all for a brother tying to get his and all, but damn! Anybody who tries to defend racial profiling has obviously never been slammed to the ground face first because they're wearing a pair of Dickies and has a baseball cap on backwards. I guess he's as black as Will Smith or Denzel Washington or people like that. Except he's got that crazy look in his eyes. Cisco <fvelasqu@ball.com> Thanks for writing! Yes, Keyes does have "crazy" looking eyes, and his rigid moral posture does make it hard for most people to relate to him. I don't think he's crazy at all, though. Just, er... "unyielding." His comments on racial profiling are designed to illustrate that the problem goes way beyond trying to force the cops to stop doing it, though it does come out sounding like he's living in denial when he does so. His "Masters of the Dream" book is proof positive that he's not the Uncle Tom that television sound bites make him out to be. For example, it has an excellent chapter on Jesse Jackson, in which Dr. Keyes PRAISES the Reverend's lagacy for what he accomplished during his grass-roots Chicago PUSH days, but criticizes him for then turning to a paternalistic Federal Government and Federal Dollars to solve all our nation's woes. In other words, he recognizes the same problems that everybody else does, but he points out more than the usual causes for the problems, and proposes different solutions. I tend to agree with Keyes very much when it comes to economic issues and the role of government. It's on civil and moral issues that he loses me. For example, while I have problems with the recent Gay Marriage movement (to the extent that it's driven largely as a way to extract more benefits and "entitlements" from the government and corporations), Keyes' opposition to it goes way beyond that: he thinks gays shouldn't even be having sex with each other, that they should "control their passions," since the bible says homosexuality is a sin. This stance is not only unrealistic; it's downright CRUEL! There's a website (I THINK it's www.politics.com) where you can mark off your stand on certain key issues, and then find out which political party best represents your views, as well as which of the major candidates you most agree with. When I filled it out I was told that I was a "libertarian," which I already knew. But much to my surprise it also told me that Keyes was the major party candidate I agreed with the most, even if I saw eye-to-eye with him on only 33% of the "issues." Bill Bradley was a distant second, and Gore was dead last: I agreed with Al Jr. only 5% of the time! How they even know what his his "stands on the major issues" ARE is a mystery to me, since they seem to shift by the minute, but it sure made me nervous over the prospect of him being elected. Okay, that's enough out of me. Thanks again for writing, though. Peter B  I just had the pleasure of reading Peter Bagge's view from the campaign trail as he attempted to catch up with Alan Keyes. It was great fun and all too true it seems. Although I'm not much of a mainstream newshound, I have to admit that I probably know more about Keyes and his platform after having read the article then ever before, which is kind of a sad statement though I mean the article no disrespect by saying that. Although I've been aware of his candidacy, he was definately below the radar for me to have much knowledge or an opinion about him, other than the vague sense that he was some kind of "right-wing wacko". Aside from the material, I have to admit being a fan of Bagge's work from as far back as "Neat Stuff" days so it was with great delight that I found his wonderfully twisted style peering out at me from my web browser as I dove in for my regular dose of Suckdom. So thanks for that and the rest of what makes Suck a "must read" for me. I hope to see Mr Bagge making future appearances on Suck in the future. So there, Duane Healing <duane@psyber.com> Duane, Thanks for the kind words re: the Keyes piece. And I will definitely be doing more for them in the future. Peter Bagge Subject: Primus sucks but Suck is not so bad Good lord I had stopped reading Suck last year with getting bored with the writers getting repetitive. Glad I came back and saw your story/art today. You still rock man and you actually nailed the "Keyes" candidacy pretty well. (Actually I think your piece here was the most I'd ever sat to listen about the man.) It's always the public's cross to bear that we get stuck with a choice between a principled (or dogmatic in Keyes case) yet ineffective politician or an effective weasel politician. It's looking like this election will be 2 of the latter. Robb Tanner DWT <robbtanner@dwt.com> Thanks, Rob, though I had no idea Suck had a rivalry going on with Primus. Peter Bagge This is low, mean-spirited and closed-minded. You don't have to agree with Keyes on everything to realize that he has a point in many instances. Try opening your mind a little... Bill McKinney <wsm@dvsinc.com> Huh? Peter Bagge Dear Pete, Though 'SUCK' isn't something that I seek out to read, I found your article on the only presidential candidate with credibility to be fairly balanced. Some of your admissions concerning him, should cause you to reflect on your own positions. One of the cartoons made reference to Mr. Keyes as "America's would-be moral savior." Say Pete, what do you think? Do we need one, or is everything going to be O.K.? I mean I guess it's ok for the government, when they have a disagreement with you in a civil matter, to perform an armed raid on your house. Interesting though, the same people who ordered that raid, would just love to disarm all law abiding citizens . . . but hey, we can trust em . . . can't we? I mean, you don't think they might get more tyrannical than they are . . . would they? Unless we turn back to the roots that Mr. Keyes espouses, we will continue to slide down the ever steepening slope toward that cliff called oblivion, being shoved along by the lemmings with no moral bearings, thus it will be the destruction of us all. There is only one hope for us and that is national repentance. Oh, there I go exposing myself as an evangelical! Pete, we need to get back to the truth and call sin, sin. Funny thing, now-a-days when you call sin, sin . . . you are told that you hate people or that you want to take away peoples rights. Then there are the more wicked sinners who hurt or kill those (or destroy their property) who are involved in sin. God will pass judgement on sinners. True believers in Jesus know that they are to warn the sinner to flee his sin so as not to fall under the ultimate and inevitable judgement of God. By the way Pete, do you know Jesus? If you don't, but would like to know Him or find out why it might be worth your time (eternally) . . . drop me a line . . . we'll talk and I'll explain why I can tell you that lying, adultery, homosexuality, and every other sin you can think of is great wickedness: Yet, if someone was trying to hurt or kill someone for their sin; say an abortionist who was in the process of killing another child, I'd surrender my life to protect theirs. Learned that from Jesus. He surrenderedHis life for mine. I remain ... Your servant by His grace, OpTomlinson Sacramento, Ca. Zzzzz... Peter Bagge Hit & Run When you referred to "the vaguely salacious name 'O'" of Oprah's new magazine, were you alluding to famous French hyper-S&M novel "The Story Of O"? Because, frankly, every time I saw the big Times-Roman-Bold 'O' on Oprah Book Club selections it reminded me of that particular dirty book. I was going to ask "Am I the only one who sees that connection?", but I don't think either a "Yes you are, you perv," or a "No you're not; we're all pervs here," answer would be reassuring. Yours, Michael.K <michaelkortsen@alumni.uwo.ca> P.S. Would "Story of O Magazine" have workbook pages for readers' own projects? P.P.S. Puh-lease don't print my email address. I'd rather meet fellow pervs the old-fashioned way. What are you talking about, Mr. K? The only O book we're aware of is the Book of Onan. Sucksters "...isn't lurking somewhere between the instructions for homemade stationary (paper, scissors) and the arrangements of narcissi." heh-heh. who wrote that one? excellent word play. keep it up. Mark Schofield <schofield@chipar.com> That bit of word play was custom built for us by an international team of experts under the guidance of Comedy Coach Steve North in Ouarzazate, Morocco. After production wrapped, commas and parentheses were added digitally by Industrial Light and Magic. Thanks for asking! Sucksters An all-time high. So funny it made my migraine go away. So smart it made my migraine come back. <rubeewebster@earthlink.com> Aw, that's nothin'! Back before the Sucksters sold out they used to be so smart/funny they could make your migraine come back in the opposite lobe of your brain. Sucksters Subject: Large Actors How about Brian Denehy? Michael Clark Duncan? James Jones <jjones@firstinvestors.com> Circus freaks, both of them! We need stout men and true, hale men and well met. Not some simpering Irishman and a four-hanky manchild! Sucksters Love Oprah, but let's be honest regarding her best friend Gayle (sp?). Take a second and read her blabbering in the "Money" issue of the New Yorker. She drags her around because a) they're lovers and b) they are lovers. Peace Peter Cipriani <van_thunder@yahoo.com> From your mouth to God's ear, Peter. At Suck we have an explicit policy against believing anything until we've heard it from Oprah's publicist. Sucksters Suckers, Once again, thanks for validating my half-hearted attempts at cocktail conversastion. I had the good fortune of spending time with friends willing to listen to my take on three of today's suckjects - TV Guide Jesus, Gladiators, and (or versus) SAG acting (the only kind worthy of product pitch). And while my own personal mourning period over the demise of Iridium ended months ago, I was thrilled at the demolishing suggestion. This would serve to iradicate any possibility of the Murdoch-Mogul virus swooping in to bottom dollar his way towards further global, multi-media, 24/7 psyche penetration/annihilation. Sadly, any exposure to the cultural tidepool represented by the likes of "O" and "Ma" is forbidden due to severe allergic reaction; however, I might dip a big toe into the juiced geriatric-generational sauna if my proposed Playboy spin-off "Hef" (insert viagra joke here) ever hits the newsstands. Thanks again, Todd <mentcht@yahoo.com> In this harsh and hostile world, being without an opinion is like being in a jungle without clothes. At Suck we provide opinions free of charge, and encourage each reader to use them as if they were his or her own. Sucksters The notorious email virus, "I Love You", took down The ford motor company's WAN and various cities LAN's, I guess love can be an agent of evil. Isn't it to funny it's like a bad eighties country love song "I tell you I love you and my ford breaks down." Harmony McCullough <harmony_2001@hotmail.com> Isn't it more like that eighties song the "Superbowl Shuffle"? Or anyway, wasn't the "Superbowl Shuffle" great? That Fridge, boy, they don't make 'em like that anymore, no sir! Sucksters |
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