for 9 June 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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All A Board Heya, If you're genuinely interested in this kinda thing, you might want to check out Cheapass Games - they publish $5-7 games that are damned amusing and great for when you get a bunch of people together and can't decide what to do for the evening. I know that Sucksters get spam all the time, so I'll give a brief example and then get out of your hair: "Give Me The Brain is a hilarious card game set at Friedey's, the fast food restaurant of the damned. The object is simple: play out your hand. The problem is, a lot of the cards require a Brain, and you've only got one to pass around." Their games are at (http://www.cheapass.com/ games.html) — check out the board and card games, in particular. I'm personally partial to Kill Doctor Lucky, Clue's bastard stepchild. :) Anyways, cool article, and sorry for coming across as a marketing tool. It's getting harder and harder to recommend stuff like this anymore without sounding as though you're getting commission. Zach Bush <c0n4m@hotmail.com> Zach, I am genuinely interested in all things ludic and will certainly turn to Cheapass Games the next time I'm looking for cardboard-mediated fun. Nick "The Internick" Montfort  Isn't there a Sailor Moon game? How come that wasn't reviewed? And what about all the geek games a la Gulf Strike or Advanced Squad Leader or Nuclear Escalation or Nuclear War or Blackbeard? Huh? Huh? It's too bad about the Reefer City game. Have you played the game Dope Wars? Sorry, it's for the computer, but it's awesome. And it's not just limited to dope. It has all yer fave drugs in it. You can get it from http://www.beermat software.com/dopewars/ That's if you really really had your heart set on playing a game involving drugs, that is. Regards, Malcolm Jean <mjean@fitt.ca> Malcolm, some things, like Sailor Moon and nuclear war, are too distasteful to lampoon. Sticking to the Ebola virus and pre-nuclear European conflicts seemed more apropos. If I need a gag gift for an anime fan, though, I'll keep in mind that the Sailor Moon game might be out there. Thanks for the pointer to that and the drug-based computer game. Nick "The Internick" Montfort Fun article in today's Suck. I was surprised that you didn't mention any of the games from Cheapass Games, purveyors of such weirdness as "Lord of The Fries", "Kill Doctor Lucky" and "Button Men". I highly recommend "Kill Doctor Lucky" as the Anti-Clue, where the object is to actually *be* the murderer! The other neat thing about Cheapass is that - well, they're cheap. Most games are under $5, and fun. http://cheapass.com is their website. Regardless, a good job on the article. As you can guess, I'm something of a gaming enthusiast, so of course I'd be a bit biased. I love Suck, and read it every morning with my coffee before I start work, but I've not seen much in the way of what you did today, which wasn't burdened with as much sardonic commentary, ennui, or just plain cynicism as Suck usually is. Refreshing change of pace. Of course, I still need my dose of sardonic commentary laced with cynicism on a semi-daily basis. You people have got me hooked, dammit! Regards, Corey Snow <cyclometh@yahoo.com> Corey, thanks for the pointer to Cheapass Games. Many suggested the site in reply to my article, but it somehow slipped under my radar during the board-game procurement phase of this operation. I notice some would-be domain landlord has already procured <cheapassgames.com> - a sure sign of this company's popularity. Nick "The Internick"Montfort check out the stuff from Cheapass Games (www.cheapass.com). all the ones we've tried have been good. rick pim <rick@post.queensu.ca> Rick, thanks for the pointer. Many readers seconded your suggestion. Nick "The Internick" Montfort Filler Subject: Poor white female old Hee haw! Isn't a riot making fun of poor, female, old people (well, the white ones, in any case)! Their cretinous literary tastes and their obvious allegiance to "George Dubya" makes them fish in a barrel! But how about a poke and a prod at another sub-demographic? Let's say...thirtyish, white, male, Ivy League-and- just-below- educated, pop-culturally overattuned, smarmy, sarcastic, helplessly ironic, faux-Harvard Lampoonish smartasses? The kind of guys who in their dreams rise to be David Foster Wallace, but wake up to write snarky rips on Matthew Barney for a clunky online late-nineties version of Spy? I would have to say those dweebs are at least as risible as Aunt Edna chewing that plain donut. Matthew D. Wilder <cosmovitelli@mediaone.net> Yeah, the point of that cartoon was pretty much to put poor old females in their place. I just love taking cheap shots at regular folks without much money who aren't much interested in the Internet. Those old people sure do get my goat! Somebody's gotta put 'em in their place! They were the heroes of that cartoon, understand? They came, they scoffed, they ate doughnuts, they left. Who are these thirtyish white males of which you speak and why do they bother you so? Clunkily, Polly Subject: The New Millenium and Rev Bonnell... After perusing your site and coming across the letter addressing this new year as not really being the start of the new millenium, I actually started to think. With much straining, some questions came to mind. If Jesus was not considered "King" until the moment of birth, then what was he before he so carelessly shot out of his mothers virgin vagina and entered this world? Was he but just another nameless fetus? And doesn't that idea contradict the belief of the pro-lifers regarding life starting at conception? Wouldn't the Catholic Church now be stating that Christ was not a real or valid life during his fetus period? Would it now be okay to have an abortion because life does not begin until the moment of birth? Shouldn't the Church rethink this whole theory thing about the millenium? Or is it that Jesus was god when he was concieved and during his awkward fetus period, he just wasn't an ordained king until birth. Like his birth was some sort of initiation into royalty? Well, my honest opinion is that the christian church is the most dangerous organization in the world today and does more harm to individual lives than good anyway, so who gives a fuck what they all think!!! They have mutilated the truths to be found in the Bible with all their prejudices and holier than thou misinterpretations. I don't think any of us common folk will ever know for certain what the Bible really says until we learn to decifer the original manuscripts ourselves. Until then we're supposed to blindly trust a bunch of religious bigots who want to brainwash and convert us with their lies and religious hogwash. Obviously, I've had some problems with the church. And as a gay man, I can proudly say "fuck the whole lot of them and not in a good way either"! Why doesn't the good Rev KHBonnell get off his holy ass and spend his time trying to help his fellow man instead of judging and pointing out their weaknesses, downfalls, and mistakes. Oh, I forgot, it's probably all part of his brainwashing technique. Make you feel like your a bad person for just being who you are. That way, he can move in for the kill... "but Jesus loves you anyway and he'll forgive you for $10 donations each week in church you pathetic little sinners you". Enough said. With love, SuperBitterSuperFag PS No, I'm not bitter and jealous just because everyone else gets to go to heaven and I have to burn in hell for loving another human being unconditionally. I had a vision from God himself the other day and he told me it's the other way around. All the gay people are going to heaven and the breeders are going to hell. The only reason he keeps you worthless breeders around is to make more fags for His Kingdom! Stick that chapter in your Bible and pray about it. rickandcats <rickandcats@msn.com> Mr. andcats, It's good that you've actually started to think, but do you really imagine the nickel-and-dime sophistries you're pulling out here are things the Catholics haven't heard before? When an organization has a 1,500-year monopoly on the best minds in Europe — particularly when those are 1,500 years during which pretty much nothing is discovered or invented and there wasn't much to do except rethink ideas that had already been thought — it's a good bet that they will have considered every pud-pulling permutation you can think up, in infinitely greater dimension than your busy life as a visionary SuperBitterSuperFag allows time for. As it happens, there is a long, long history of Church gibberish about when the soul of an unborn human becomes active — beginning from Aristotle's conjecture about fetuses' having vegetative life at conception, animal souls after a few days, and rational souls after 40 days (80 days for females). We also have the theory of St. Gregory of Nyssa about a life principle that quickens the organism from the first moment of its individual existence. And much other hokum about the Will of the Creator, Who is ever present at every portion of His creation. And so on and on, through theories that are infinitely crazier and more complex than what you've come up with. So be careful about underestimating your opponents, especially when most of them are apparently gay anyway. Sucksters Subject: The Bull Hath Shat Dearest Sucksters, Disregard my previous e-mail (Subject: "The Bungholes are at it again") Sorry about this. I just had a newsletter editor to whom I forwarded this (as I did to you earlier), report back that it's an urban legend hoax. My source was a Newline Cinema producer friend. Shoulda known those film people are notoriously umkempt in the resources checking department. Paranoid repub-hater that I am, I was all too willing to believe they were at it again, and needed Suck to pants them. Never mind. Illustrious regards, Calfie Golden HELP!! SUCKSTERS!!!! DO SOMETHING!!!!!!! [Deleted: Long official- looking message detailing long-time urban legend about a "government plan" to charge 5 cents for every email] Lene Horn <wangmo@earthlink.net> Thanks for the alert, Lene. It's letters like yours that have inspired our new letters policy. It's just not fair that every nincompoop gets to use the Fish page to sound off about every fool thing under the sun, when our advertisers have to pay good money to publish their own messages. Therefore, from now on we will be charging fifty cents a word for every letter we publish in the fish page. Letters that are particularly boring and idiotic will cost $1.50 per word. If you want us to write a response to your letter, an additional charge of $300 will be applied, regardless of the length of the response we write. We hope you like this new system, which will ensure that our readers only have to read the opinions of those letter-writers with enough commitment to put their money where their mouths are. Now keep those cards and letters coming! Sucksters Subject: Re: Bees Status: U Is there any wood near the clothesline? It could also be a Borer bee which are harmless. We have them where I am on Long Island. They kind of look like Bumblebees but at not as big. Debbie I know there's at least one beekeeper on the list. Maybe you can tell my mom and I what's going on with this bee. <grin> Each time we're outside, this bee is hovering in the same spot between the clotheslines and it never seems to leave or go anywhere else. If we walk by, it moves out of our way. If another bee comes near it, it chases the "intruder" away. Then it returns to hovering. Any idea what this means? Could it be attracted to the somewhat flowery smell of the laundry detergent? Is it some kind of "scout" or "guard" bee that's watching out for the hive? (We've never come across a hive nearby.) Just wondering. Hope everyone has a great day! Janice, Pavi and Pansy New York All Breed Referral http://www.nyabr.petfinder.org <nyallbreedreferral@yahoo.com> Phoebe's Story-Help End Puppymills http://www.critterhaven.org/phoebe.htm Deborah Foray <dforay@suffolk.lib.ny.us> Thanks, Deborah! In the interest of furthering popular scientific discussion, and as a special exception to our new rule, we will publish all letters about bees and puppymills free of charge. Keep 'em buzzing! Sucksters Haw Haw Haw Subject: Jack Chick I know he's mistaken & fanatical, but like those X Files minions say, " The Truth is out there! " Your paranoia is as pervasive alien stories in Roswell. I only hope that you can look past your bias to see what is real. Shawn Jenkins <McShawnBoy@webtv.net> Don't look at us, Mr. Jenkins! There's a lost soul named rickandcats who needs the power of prayer to cure his homosexuality. Show him the way! Sucksters |
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