for 19 July 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Subject: Laments from the
Heartland

You have a cool job. I do not
have a cool job. Thankfully,
your cool job sometimes makes
my not so cool job bearable
for a few short minutes.
After those few short
minutes, however, I find
myself in need. Satisfaction
yet eludes me. I pace, fret,
and once even had phone sex
with some girl I met in a
chat room. She said she was
good looking. No picture, but
I mean, what can you expect
at 4:30 in the morning?
Swedish bikini teams?

So, what I'm really up to here in
the middle of the corn and
pig fornication this fine
fine morning is asking for
advice, requests, employment
(i rub feet and stuff), or
whatever you, in your
infinite benevolence, care to
share with me. But no phone
sex without a picture. Sorry.

If someone, such as myself,
were to build a web site what
do you think would be a
focusing central topic
guaranteed to pack'em in? I
was considering the
mind-boggling implications of
a heroic dose, or even
possibly a nice personal site
with pictures of my navel,
but nothing I've thought of
so far seems to click.

Sincerely,

Michael Shaw
<illuminatus5@hotmail.com>

You can't start from what you
think is marketable. You
really have to chose to do
something because it has to
do with what you like and
would be into, not because
you think other people might
like it. Particularly if you
hate your job now and you're
looking for something new to
motivate you. You really have
to put some part of yourself
into it. Forget what people
out there want — what do
you want?

For example, I want a cold
frappucino in a plastic
bottle that's nonfat and not
too sweet (they all taste
like butter and saccharine at
this point) that I can pull
out of the fridge and pour
first thing in the morning. I
also want a way to order
Levis online, easily, in
exactly my size. I want about
5 more essay collections from
David Foster Wallace. I want
a band that's a combination
of PJ Harvey, Radiohead, Cat
Power, and the Sundays. I
want a daily short cartoon
about how torturous it is to
try to maintain a good
long-term relationship. I
want a magazine with all the
ads in the back, that has
articles that you actually
feel like reading. I don't
know what they'd include
though — petty gossip,
bad advice, and well-written
essays, and excerpts from
good books — a crass
literary journal with writing
that transcends zine drivel.
I want to find that really
heavy kind of feather pillow
that they don't seem to make
anymore. I want weird stuffed
animals and bizarre Japanese
stationery.

Now I narrow down from that
list and figure out which
product I could actually
create. The fact is, I
couldn't create any of those
things.

So I return to my own work
and say to myself: This will
do just fine.

You seem to want phone sex.
Perhaps you should start
there.

Your Career Counselor Sans
Picture,

Polly

I don't mind the Dan Vaden
snub, but this is getting a
little to hairy; if you are
going to crib (www.mcsween-
eys.org/2000/06/15comix.htm)
you could at least give us
credit or make fun of us or
something.

Our stuff is orginial, for
better or for worse, and
regardless of what you think
of our enterprise.

thanks

The M.C.
n Musolino
<subject@inch.com>

Trust me, I didn't read your
piece before I wrote mine.
I've been on the other end of
the same phenomenon countless
times, the most notable of
which a parody of The English
Patient I wrote called "The
English Muffin," which
appeared on the back page of
the New Yorker a year later.
The sad truth is, often
several people think of the
same joke at the same time. I
don't know a single writer
who'd take joy in stealing
another person's material
— forget the ethical part
of it, it's just not
satisfying. I've been writing
my column for 4 years, do you
think I'd suddenly run out of
ideas and start stealing
someone else's? I'd sooner go
hungry.

I don't think of your
enterprise, really, but now
that I see the astounding
quality of your ideas, I
certainly will!

Best wishes,

Polly

Polly,

I wish you wrote for sitcoms.
maybe then they wouldn't need
a laugh track.

Anjum Akhtar
<aakhtar@dlj.com>

Shit howdy, man. You really
think I could come up with
several jokes a minute? I
have enough trouble coming up
with one or two jokes a week
- if you can even call them
that. Christ, last week I had
to go trolling for new
material on that faux
McSweeney's site. Talk about
desperation. But, you know,
gotta keep me groundsman in
rubber boots!

Yes, I'm fucking joking.

Polly

Prank, and File

Here's to hoping that your just
trying to fill your word count
and not actually listening to
any of the artists [sic] listed
in your column.

Ian
<marboneau@hotmail.com>

My taste in music, as it is
in so many other things, is
pretty elastic and surprisingly
bad.

Huck

one more thought about the
Metallica lawsuit - when the
band identified all of the
people who were trading in
Metallica MP3s, do you think
the attorneys determined that
all of those were actually
Metallica songs? Can you
imagine the legal fees at
$250 an hour?

<jcswift@Frictionless.com>

That's a good point, and it's
no doubt one of the reasons
why Metallica has gone after
Napster rather than
individual users. It seems
like their strategy has
always been to vilify by
bulk, rather than to
specifically prove individual
cases.

Huck

Dear Sainted One:

You know, I thought I was
being cleverly cynical when I
predicted that within a year
or two there would be some
remarkably hi-tech viruses
circulating around that
looked a lot like MP3 files.
Certainly any system that
gives access to one's
computer, even if very
limited access, struck me as
inherently risky, so given
the well known morality of
the music business, I thought
the prediction was a slam
dunk.

Who would have predicted that
simple human egotism would
have the same effect? And
faster, cheaper, and with far
more interesting side
effects. Wonderful. Was it
Dirac who said the universe
isn't simply more complicated
that we understand, it's more
complicated than we can
understand? Probably not.

Nice job. Thanks.

Alan S Kornheiser
<ASKornheiser@prodigy.com>

Well, many people believe
that the pollution of the MP3
landscape won't really happen
to the extent I suggest, so
maybe a concerted effort on
the record industry's part
will be what it takes to
reach that state. But it's
still very early in the
peer-to-peer revolution. As
more applications allow you
to distribute a greater range
of file types (i.e.,
executables), the kind of
scenario i imagine may become
more likely without any
choreographed corporate
conspiracy at all...

huck

I agree to most of that in
principle but I still think
you're overstating the
problem. Maybe I am just not
downloading the right (fake)
stuff but my experience is
that, with a cable
connection, it takes me 15
sec to get a song and about
10 seconds into it I can tell
if its legit. If not I trash
it and get another. With live
stuff this would of course be
difficult but I contend that
the fraction of the market
interested in (and willing to
pay for) live, import, or
otherwise esoteric versions
of their favorite artists
material is pretty small.
Hell, I own about 20 rare
live or import CDs acquired
in my college days that I
rarely/never listen to
because, with rare
exceptions, live recordings
tend to suck ass anyway.
Would I pay a quarter/song
for the assurance that what I
was downloading was legit?
Probably not. A dime? Maybe,
but not until there is the
equivalent of a coin slot on
the screen that doesn't
require my credit card.

<bmessmer@nshs.com>

Well, overstating the
problem, and overstating the
solution, is sort of my modus
operandi at Suck.

While I agree that the
portion of listeners
currently interested in
material that goes beyond an
artist's "official releases"
is currently small, I think a
lot of that is the result of
what's available, easy to
find, etc. To me, the premise
of Napster and digital music
in general is that we all
become much more rabid fans
than ever before, because
it's so much easier to do.
And artists start releasing
material on much more fluid,
less orchestrated schedule,
because the infrastructure
supports that much better. So
in that scenario, the
possibilities I talk about
seem much more likely...

Huck

The Shit

Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott

Five-Star Day Cafe Athens, Ga.

Salon's "Action Figures" TV ad

Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends

Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)

George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)

King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)

Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)

The ECW's Little Spike Dudley

Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)

Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000

Star Dudes

Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.