for 9 August 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY. |
![[Tim Cavanaugh]](/fish/staff/images/tim.gif)
Tim Cavanaugh Special Guest Editor 
Terry Colon Art Director 
Heather Havrilesky Senior Editor ![[Phillip Bailey]](/fish/staff/images/phil.gif){kind=small}
Phillip Bailey Production Editor 
Joey Anuff Publisher 
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Filler
Dear Polly, Well, it's no wonder that you're miserable, living in Seattle and all. Cold and rainy all the time.Giant killer snails. Gloom so thick ya cut it with a knife. I imagine you're in flannels and a leather jacket now, drinking jack from the bottle and listening to Tad's "eightway Santa" over and over again, caressing that twelve gauge, and cursing yourself for a weakling... There's a way out girl. Leave. Move to the cheery Midwest! Yeah, now I drink weak coffee from a Styrofoam cup and listen to polka. We eat way too much kilbasa and perogees and sauerkraut. We're all fat... and happy. Viva Cleveland, Mike Chicchelly <mikeamy@stratos.net> I don't live in Seattle, Mike. That's my friend Steve who's in the flannels and leather jacket right now. Of course his big huge man titties from the Tae Bo workout are keeping him pretty warm these days. Besides, it's August. The coldest place on the earth in August is San Francisco, not Seattle. You happy, fat Midwesterners really don't know shit about the rest of the world, do you? Polly 
Dear Love of my Life, Fire of my Loins, Sin, Soul, etc... You recently wrote regarding the Dewey Decimal System, and I'm afraid you're a little behind the times here, which doesn't surprise me, since 99% of the world is behind the times when it comes to the fast paced world of library sciences (the true knowledge profession). The Dewey Decimal System is essentially dead, in use mostly at underfunded public libraries, it is slowly being wiped out by the more efficient, slightly less random Library of Congress system. I say less random only because it has 26 initial categories, each with a corresponding letter from the alphabet. Each letter may be followed by another letter (thus 27 subheadings) and this is followed by a number of up to four digits, giving you thousands of possible breakdowns. This allows for a better differentiation of topics. Thus, under the Library of Congress System (or LC as we call it) pornography can generally be found under HQ, 1-100, the human sexuality section. Of course, erotic novels and short stories may be found in under PQ (foreign lit.) or PR-PS (english lit). Erotic art would be found under NE. Of course, if you want porn, and your in the library, the best place to go it to the internet terminal farthest from prying eyes. Just try to keep the mouse clean. Always happy to help you find porn. Ben Schwabe <bschwabe@MIT.EDU> Dewey Decimal System, dead? Say it ain't so! Poor Dewey must be turning in his grave. Letters? Letters and numbers? What could be more complicated and confusing than that? Tsk tsk. Leave it to Congress. What do you MIT people do all day, besides spew trivial factoids? Spewing trivial misinformation, Fire of Your Pork Loins
Polly: Why can't I shake the overwhelming suspicion that a popular majority of your most devoted fans, myself included (and you as well), are actually happy, fulfilled, successful (whatever that means (oops, there I go indulging the same delusion (because, of course, I have a far more clear idea of what, for me, constitutes success than I would usually admit))), upper-, or soon-to-be-upper-, crust whipper-snappers who enjoy your column with a smug wink at the irony of all of the happy, fulfilled, upper-, or soon-to-be-upper-, crust whipper-snappers ostensibly identifying with your faux-angst, pretending that the popular conception of GenX is actually true (when of course it is no more true than any other popular conception)? Here's to us! Having nothing to bitch about, we ever so creatively and reflexively pseudo-bitch about all the bitching that we don't even do ... and you, Polly, our fearless leader, o Captain my Captain, guide us toward the Promised Land, where we will all have stock options, five bedroom houses, and SUVs that put HMVEES to shame - and complain all the way to E*Trade! (I'd make a snide comment about this state of affairs (or have I already?) if it wouldn't fundamentally contradict/confirm/huh? my thesis.) Keep up the good work. God only knows what would happen if we were forced to concede our happiness and prosperity; the ease of our lives as compared to those of our ancestors; and our not-so-secret desires to watch Reality TV 24/7, to look through a peephole at more essentially fortunate young people tirelessly feigning discontent and misanthropy. Joshua <me@joshuasiebert.com> I don't know how to prove to you that the majority of my fans aren't actually happy, fulfilled, and successful without spewing trivial misinformation, but I'll try. Let's put it this way: something just tells me that a lot of my fans are sort of, um, shall we say, vaguely dissatisfied with their lives for one reason or another. Now, granted, I'm into projection. On bad days, I project a great deal of unhappiness onto my fans. On good days, I perceive them as happy-go-lucky go-get'em types. On dysfunctional days, my projector doesn't work - the lightbulb is burned out or something. My fans just seem crazy. To be honest, I don't know what would disappoint me more: to learn that most of my fans are fabulously happy, or to learn that they're all miserable unsuccessful curmudgeons. I know what they want from me, though: misery. And I'm more than qualified to give the people what they want. Oh sure, every now and then it looks like things are really going to shape up for me and I'm never going to write anything funny ever again. But, lucky for my fans, things go awry fairly often in my world, which means nonstop tragicomedy and lose-lose scenarios all around. Woohoo. No feigning necessary, not today anyway...
Polly All the Summer's a Stage two belated things that i only noticed after reading the letters (i'm not much of a theater person myself -- i've always preferred to read the scripts): 1. thanks for not using 'theatre' in your article. i feel that there aren't a lot of things a whole hell of a lot worse, culturally, than the affectation of commonwealth spelling. now that i think about it, americans who cross their sevens and hook their ones are pretty annoying too. anglophiles can kiss my ass. 2. "Why Patrick Stewart in stage make-up isn't a proper Fourth of July activity but Patrick Stewart in a wheelchair is a holiday-happy summer event is probably too long a discussion for here" i would think it has something to do with demographics (i.e. people summering or at least going away for the weekend), and distribution limits inherent to the medium (its a whole lot easier to have a picture of patrick stewart in multiple places at the same time than to have patrick stewart do the same). that and consumers are stupid. the sky appears to be blue as well, but that's not a particularly interesting or unique observation either. Will Forster <forster@bottlerocket.com> 1. They can kiss my ass, too, but only if they kiss mine first. You know, to be honest, I think I left the spelling of theater/theatre up to my editor. But I'm with you on the sevens. 2. This is all very true. If I were a better writer, I would have explained in the body of the essay that the box-office figures for Stewart's play showed it operating at one of the poorest percentages over the holiday weekend, even by the sucky standards of the Broadway holiday weekend. But yeah, those inherent limitations have doomed secondary cities to unctuous road tours featuring Marie Osmond and Donny Most while at the same time cloaking the Broadway and better regional shows in a kind of artistic mystery they often don't deserve. Have you read any of this week's convention coverage? Hey, thanks for reading the essay and sending a response. Best, 40th Street Black
Reality Bites Your recent column in Suck was very interesting and I enjoyed your views on reality-via-the-media and internet . I do have one question. You wrote: Corporations lined up to sponsor "The Dotcom guy" during his year online, and according to Reuters, ZDTV.com has even launched a show where "desperate dot-com wannabes present their ideas to a stoic panel of venture capitalists..." I notice you quoted the sentence "desperate....capitalists". I have searched Reuters, C-Net, Yahoo and Altavista, but can't seem to find a source for this quote. Can you direct me to the Reuters story that you got that quote from? Curious, thanks for your time, Sloan Fader <sfader@pacbell.net> Trying a little rainmaking for your desperate capitalist friends? I suggested ZDTV name their venture capital show, "Who Wants To Be Humiliated on ZDTV?" - but they ignored me. Unfortunately, the June 11 article has expired from its original location. Where do Reuters articles go when they die? Where are the snows of yesteryear? Destiny
Nice column ... suck's still good to the last drop of wandering, hypertext link even when the sentences run on till any decent reader searches frantic for their NYT password or trying ta get back earning a buck ... Shouldn't you gents do a movie or something ...I got the hook - something about a fish, and a, uhh ... uhhh ... Ray Hartman Spokane, WA <rayhart@spkn.uswest.net> A barrel and a smoking gun! Pay attention, Ray! Seriously, thanks for the mail. Our goal is to drive away those decent readers who prefer reading the NYT or earning a buck. The few, the proud, the gloriously unproductive. Good to the last drop of wandering! Destiny
Subject: i wish you love ..... Love is food. It's the food that fuels the soul. Love is the magnet that attracts us to each other. Love is pure and intoxicating. Welcome to URBAN SCENTS http://www.urbanscents.com , Caribbean inspired, exotic, mood enhancing fragrances for the world. Urban Scents is about the best of humanity, taking the good vibrations of love, happiness, success, friendship, confidence and pleasure and sharing them with our fellow man. Join us in making this world we live in a better place. We invite you to visit our website at http://www.urbanscents.com On our site you will find mood enhancing fragrances and incense sticks designed to lift the spirits, provide energy and clarity. The address is http://www.urbanscents.com If you would like to be removed from this mailing list just send an email to info@urbanscents.com with remove in the subject line. I am hoping however that you will visit our site and join us in sending out positive greetings and vibrations to the rest of the world. Thank you for your time and support. Ronald Positive Vibes <info@urbanscents.com> If love is food, I'm anorexic. But I disagree with your unsolicited commercial advertisement on a fundamental point. I prefer my love impure - if you know what I mean... Good to see you're marketing a line of "sticks" to provide energy and "good vibrations of love." (Not to mention "sharing with our fellow humans...") Unfortunately, hawking a line of incense via e-mail is one of the stupidest ideas I've ever seen. Eagerly awaiting the day when technological advancements allows mankind to finally experience the fragrance of spam... Destiny
Great article, a bargain at twice the price. I find myself agreeing with you on most counts, but I'm not so sure the internet "spells doom" for old-media venues. Admittedly, much of what new media thrives on is self-spectation, which is (in a way) what networks are clumsily (and poorly) trying to adapt to a broadcast format. However, there's no saying that old media can't suck in the gut, fake a grin, and make their fall from grace the most perversely entertaining spectacle since the Hindenburg. Sure, the fallout will inevitably entail diminished viewership for the old guard, and who knows - maybe the internet just can't be beat for unabashed DIY entertainment. But damned if the fireworks won't be fun to watch, and last I checked, self-spectation was still anyone's game. If only Murdoch were a little more telegenic... Both feet in the trough, Benedict Warr <efeeb@hotmail.com> You're right, it is fun to watch - especially since old media will probably be its own worst enemy. (The webmasters behind the Survivor site found they couldn't even handle the audience once it actually did arrive...) But the Survivor site's designers were also apparently outfoxed by the observant web surfers who noticed CBS had not only posted the outcomes of two episodes before they aired, but left tell-tale images in another directory. Unless, of course, network executives had finally mastered the art of the hoax... But however it plays out, new media gadflies will be there harrying the broadcasters. CBS's apparent gaffe was discovered by the humble Dallas webmaster behind SurvivorSucks.com, a budding critic who's also crafted the sites RealWorldBlows.com and the as-yet-undeveloped BigBrotherBlows.com... Destiny
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