for 25 August 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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The American Century 2.0
Mr. Blecht, The cure for polio was discovered by Jonas Salk, a Canadian. Otherwise, your article was hilarious and sidesplittingly satirical! regards, Brian Newton You know, with Senator Lieberman out there breaking down barriers, why is it we have to resort to name calling? Jonas Salk was born in New York City in 1914. And yet, despite the great gifts he brought to the world, some would still tear him down with the slur: "Canadian!" We at Suck reject your particular brand of hate, Brian. But at the same, we're delighted that even an angry Internet bigot like yourself enjoys our hilarious, side splittingly satirical, and stunningly accurate work. http://www.time.com/time/ magazine/archive/1995/ 950703/950703.obituary.html http://www.achievement.org/ autodoc/page/sal0bio-1 Bert  Nice article — if it weren't for the painfully arrogant introduction. I read about American ignorance and arrogance back in a sociology class - but never thought I'd actually see something this appalling. Peter Fotheringham Strategic Policy Branch, Industry Canada <fotheringham.peter@ic.gc.ca> Sociology class? Who needs all that book learning when you can get real American arrogance free from Suck? Sorry you blew all your folks' money up there at Ottawa U., Mr. Strategy. What about Canadian arrogance? We cut you in on NAFTA and all we get back is thick bacon and attitude by the truckload. Next you'll be telling me Jonas Salk was Canadian. We appreciate your role as America's backyard and the beautiful landscaping job you've done on a continental scale - but who do you think it was kept you safe during the Mexican-America War? Who do you think kept Castro and killer bees out of your hair all these years? That's right, Uncle Sam. So show some respect. You want to know why I like America? Because here, as Senator Lieberman has shown, anyone can grow up to be President. Anyone, that is, except a Canadian citizen. Bert Thank you SO MUCH!!! Late night, phone shut off, bought building to try to pay off my own mortgage, Tenants Suck... You are a much needed breath of fresh air!!! 300% over Hunter T and PJ Orourke, or, more accurately, a much needed continuing from them.. Kathleen Celata <katjack@mediaone.net> Glad to hear from a real citizen like you Kathleen, a gal whose got her priorities figured out. Re: Tenants "rights," just turn off the heat sometime around Christmas. Let's see how uppity they get then. Bert There are a few things that grind with me in one sentence in your opening paragraph: 'Since 1900, we've won two world wars, a cold one, invented TV, atomic bombs, comic books, airplanes, put a men on the moon, cured polio, and saved the world time and again.' Now I'm going to whine: The TV was invented by Scottish inventor John Logie Baird, The Allies won WW2, Atomic bombs aren't things to be proud of, In summary, you are a cliche, you are the arrogant-American-fuck blinded by their own patriotism. Instead of perpetuating an ancient stereotype, why don't you try being even slightly original? Apart from that I find your work entertaining and worthwhile reading, keep up the good work. .oOo. Ilya Anisimoff .oOo. The Germans invented TV Send me a mark John Greeff <jcgreeff@mweb.co.za> Well, it's just this sort of nasty Euro-squabbling that started World War II, isn't it? Who invented TV? Who gets the Sudetenland? Most people don't know it but Rudolf Hess was shot down in Scotland while trying to set up a black market cable TV deal for the Fuhrer. When will you people learn? Maybe this will help: Television was invented by none other than American wunderkind (but aren't we all?) Philo T. Farnsworth: http://www.ideafinder.com/ history/inventors/ farnsworth.htm (PBS TV transcript) http://www.pbs.org/wgbh /amex/technology/ bigdream/bigdreamts.html (from some Australian tech school that disputes the Scotsman) http://www.ece.curtin. edu.au/titbits/cbjlb.html Ok, we didn't win WW II alone. Even Canadians helped out (chopping down trees with their beaver-like teeth for our fighting boys - thanks guys!), but why so proud of TV and not atomic bombs, Ilya? Have you actually seen "The FOX News?" Spend an hour with "The O'Reilly Report" and see how bad you want to hog credit for TV. Anyway, the winners get to write history, and America is the biggest winner of all, so here's a couple of other things we invented: The Pyramids goats, Italy, and fun. And be sure to pass on our thanks to the allies for all their help in the Pacific! Bert Blecht, Arrogant-American-fuck blinded my own patriotism - and I VOTE!! Hit & Run Dear Sucksters, Scarier than postmodernism, but worth asking: is it true that our Lynne was a Director of Martin-Marietta during the period husband served as US Secretary of Defense? Curious, Keith from HK, NY Very interesting. We can neither confirm nor deny this statement. Mostly because we're too lazy to do so. Sucksters Fish on Fish Sucksters: I just saw your reply to my e-mail from last week. It was a nice surprise to see what a reasoned and knowledgeable response my letter and others elicited. You guys really have done your homework, despite first impressions. I regret my suggestion that you purposely insulted WWII veterans. It was really damn early in the morning when I sounded off, but now I'm glad I said it, as your response provided a fresh and worthwhile point of view. You're gentlemen. Logan Rogers <LogeRogers@aol.com> Now that's something we haven't heard in a long, long time. OK. Or ever. Thanks for the kind words, however inaccurate. Gently, Sucksters The American Century 2.0 Nice piece with one exception. What was up with the illustration of the Amish guy? Was he supposed to be a Quaker guy? Even though there are many of us in Pennsylvania, and the guy on the cereal box is looking pretty funky in that hat, Quakers don't dress like Alexander Godudnov in Witness. Common misconception. But of course the comedy is lost if Terry drew some hippy/frat kid or nice old liberal crusty in the picture. Then again, most people don't have a clue what a Quaker is unless it's the guy on the cereal box — let alone that Nixon was one (God help us all). And if they do know what a Quaker is they probably think it's all plain talk ("Wow, thou hast a fine car John Book!" "Shut thy mouth, or I'll pop a cap in thy ass!") and running private schools. Oh, wait. It is all plain talk and running private schools. My bad. But soon those private schools will start sending polite well-mannered children with the unnerving habit of saying thee and thou and an odd attachment to public service out in the world. And then the Quaker Terrorists' reign of terror will have begun. Muhahahaha! Too bad we'll still suck at sports. Even the wuss Amish could probably kick our collective ass. But we come up with good names. Quaker Terrorists — whoo hoo! Fight, fight, inner light! Kill, Quakers, kill! Keep on sucking, Jen Bonnell You're right, Jen, here at Suck we clearly don't have much of a clue to the Quaker religion. However, your letter, linking yet another minority religious point of view to fanatical violence and terrorism will certainly help tear down those barriers, much in the same spirit that Senator Lieberman's nomination has done over the past few weeks for his Mormon faith. Bert Blecht |
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![[Tim Cavanaugh]](/fish/staff/images/tim.gif)
![[Phillip Bailey]](/fish/staff/images/phil.gif){kind=small}
