for 20 September 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Phillip Bailey
Production Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

Hi Polly,

Today I was trying to cook up a good domain name. After exhausting my own creativity (about 10 seconds into the search), I decided to rip off...er...get inspired by Suck. I was heading for the 1996 Pitches, but then I remembered your Frictionary pieces from earlier this year. "Good words" I thought, "but they're probably all taken". But lo, when I searched I found them mostly unclaimed.

After exhausting every word in the English language, domain name squatters and naming companies usually stoop to strapping a tacky e-i-my-or the-prefix on a website. More "professional" companies make up words through unknown methods that pipe out gentle and smooth names. (Verizon?) But you, oh magical Polly, through manipulation, came up with some gems in your Frictionary episodes, without even trying.

Unrepentant hedonists would love "Gladulterer.com",and somebody could keep track of shady nonprofits on "Floundation.org"."Cogma.com" sounds a little nasty, but "Breadlock.com" or "Dragweed.com" sound just hip enough to be saleable. "Zenigma.com" is a good one, but it's already taken. 6,793 domain names contain the word "Slim", and some have gotten desperate enough to register "1-500UsaSlim.com" or "4u2bSlim.com". But using your "Slimulus.com", somebody could lay waste to the rest. "Fraudience.com" could be big with marketing types. "Boomsayer.com" could be the perfect pulpit for yes-men and "Internet changes everything" pundits. And as you know, the market for the disappointed, the depressed, and the maladjusted is booming, creating true demand for "Plathos.com" or "Poutsider.com"

Some words are especially good. "Reimagineer". It sounds close enough to a real occupation or service so that a company (say, Disney) can actually offer "reimagineering", but it's vague and distant enough so that the reimagineer wouldn't have to do any actual work. "Reimagineer.com" could be anything from a free e-mail alias for reimagineers worldwide to a whole new way of padding web design bills. 1,893 domains are registered with the word "Frat" in them, including junk like BuyFratHats.com, Cyber-Space-Fraternities.com, Frat-On.com and a slew of undifferentiable domains such as CollegeFrat.com, CollegeFraternity.com, and CollegeFraternities.com. But none of them hit the spot as would "Frattitude.com", which lays _unregistered_ (and you could also register Fratitude.com, post the same content as Frattitude.com but sprinkle in links to remedial spelling courses).

Maybe I'm not thinking clearly and I'm just procrastinating since I'm stumped in finding my own just-right domain name, but I'm guessing you could easily supplement your current pay rate ($10, $15, $25 a word?) with a $60k a word enterprise by coming up with neat domain names for people. Since registering a domain name costs less than...lunch at Burger King, you can basically scribble a word on a post-it note and trade it in for cash. Maybe you're already doing this.

Well, I'm off to see if I can get a Ouija board to spew out my domain name...

Regards,

Humberto Moreira
<humberto@puck.nether.net>

Your dedication to such seemingly pointless tasks fits in well with the theme of today's column, don't you think? You remind me of Owen Thomas, but with a mystical, superstitious twist. Plus, most of Owen's ideas are more obscure, less saleable, and usually potentially actionable.

Let's do this: We'll start a business, one that dreams up domain names for people. You can be the marketing genius and business savvy boy, and I'll just think of the domain names.

Ready to do anything for the company, from sitting on my ass to gazing glassy-eyed at our profit sheets,

Polly

Dear Polly,

Here I am, a week later, still talking about last week's news. I thought Heather Havrilesky was Jewish. I thought I read it somewhere, but I must have just made it up in my head.

I gushed about last week's filler, but today's was better. Nothing you write is more incisive than your "psychobabble" rants. Some of your characters are frighteningly real, and yet comically endearing. I know people who would do the hand squeeze thing to their partners and then pay $100 to be pitied and petted by their shrink.

Your Loyal, but Possibly Misinformed Psychophant

Richard

P.S. Did you know you have a "fan site"? I promise never to do that to you.

Thanks for the kind words. I assure you that I, too, am frighteningly real, and not nearly as endearing as one might hope, comically or otherwise. Where do you think I get the material for all that psychobabble? Merely by observing others? Anyone who makes fun of other people is far lamer than the people he or she targets. In the world of comedy, being weak and pathetic is part of the job.

As if to prove my point, I'll strongly assert that paying someone to pity you makes a lot of sense. No one pities us enough, you know? What could be better than sitting around complaining and having the other person say, "Man, that must've been so tough for you." However, this kind of royal treatment might be good for your psyche, but it makes you a very dull person. And being disturbed yet entertaining is what it's all about, right?

Right?

Hello?

Disturbed and dull,

Polly

Your Pollyness:

Filler did not make me laugh out loud in my cube; it did make me shit myself.

Leaving work early,

Alex Kienlen

Gee, that reminds me of the sig file on another letter I received a few months back...

Oh, Polly, my Polly,

I'm already packing my bags for Cynical Singles Summer Camp! Even now I'm envisioning days of stitching together mostly-useless leather goods ("so, this is a...um...wallet, or a headband or something, right?") and endless pointed, sniping with single folk (nearly) as bitter as me.

This one's actually going to be true, right? You promised once that the bitter would inherit Italy. But I've begun to give up hope on that one. Oh, wait! I've got it. If we can just mobilize our Gay Special Forces we can take the entire peninsula in fortnight! What kind of military can a country that elects porn stars to parliament really have? Then we can have Cynical Singles Summer Camp in Tuscany rather than by some unpronounceable lake in Maine.

Yes, the brilliance of your plan is becoming clear to me.

your bitter, evil henchman,

Phineas X. Jones
<animus@mac.com>

"Civilization rests on two things: the discovery that fermentation produces alcohol, and the voluntary ability to inhibit defecation. And I put it to you, where would this splendid civilization be without both?"

--Robertson Davies The Rebel Angels

Alex, Thanks for doing your part to topple civilization as we know it. Continue the good work!

Rebel pantscrappers unite! Crap the good crap! Fight the good fight!

Polly

Wow - Seems to me the Quest Archetype pre-dates even the Bad News Bears by a couple of thousand years, and even Walter Matthau wasn't THAT old. Judging by box office hauls, the more obvious the basic plot premise the better, since audiences shouldn't really be bothered to keep track - we're all familiar with the premise, it's the window dressing that counts. Have times really changed so much since Homer gave us the first miniseries, or since Krishna bestowed upon Lord Arjuna some really dope moves in the original Smackdown?

<Jeff.Johnson@branders.com>

Thanks for the tip, Jeff. I'll have to go down to the Goodwill and pick up a paperback of Man and His Symbols so I can look up this "Walter Matthau." Was he a character in that new Star Wars? I ask because I can tell you're a buff.

I enjoyed the self-consciously common man touch to your hip talk. Do you teach a course in Joseph Campbell at a community college? If you do, you must really get through to the students. Be careful passing out the free marijuana to the co-eds!

Counting the window dressing,

Slotcar Hatebath

The Colossus of Ceylon, Minnesota

Devastating! Beautiful and horrifyingly accurate! I am old enough to remember the first Eisenhower-Stevenson contest. In comparison to what's happened since then, their debates seem like those of Gladstone and Disraeli. In 1968, I refused to vote for Humphrey as a protest against the war and the treatment of demonstrators at the Democratic convention. But several years later, while I was living in Frankfurt I heard him interviewed on AFN and realized he was a real statesman by what had come to be the going standards of American politics. Mondale, of course, was Humphrey's protˇgˇ but something of the messianic side of the New Deal continued to survive in HHH, even if he compromised himself utterly by rubberstamping LBJ's policies in Vietnam. Thanks for the best moment of the day!

Best wishes,

David Clayton <daveclayton@worldnet.att.net>

One of the better arguments for establishing a monarchy right here in the U.S. of A. is that the right female ruler might be able to bring out the Gladstone and Disraeli in our Wellstones and Kerreys, the same way a competitive love interest can add interest to a lame third-year TV sitcom.

The stature thing is another interesting way to go, though.

Best,

40th Street Black

I loved this sentence: "Both candidates, in the final analysis, would make fine special envoys to Indonesia." It perfectly summarizes this year's election.

I recently saw a bumper sticker (if so inclined, you can pray for me now): "If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates."

Yup.

Rob McMillin
<rlm@pricegrabber.com>

Thanks for your note. I'm on vacation, and one night in a fine sports-memorabilia bar in a strip mall the Bill Maher-style question, "Would you give up your right to vote if it meant you no longer had to pay your taxes?" fell out of someone's mouth.

I was distracted by the vintage Iron Maiden videos being played on VH1's "Bad Ass" Countdown, but I think the only person who wouldn't consider it may not even be registered right now.

Best

40th Street Black

Yeah, but Eleanor Mondale sure is hot.

Terrific column, as usual. How's tricks?

Becca
<CommieGirl@Flashcom.net>

In the spirit of the season... dirty!

40th Street Black

Team-Agers

You may be right about the content of the movies ("Team-agers", 9/11), but the fact that someone like James Garner is working at all says volumes about Hollywood's viewpoint on actresses: that is, they're disposable after they hit 35. Acting gigs for older women are much rarer than those for older men. Cameron Diaz may be in shape now, but where will she be in 15 years?

Rob McMillin
<rlm@pricegrabber.com>

Uh, married to Oliver Stone? No? Well, I can't predict Cameron Diaz's career trajectory, but you have a point, Rob. However, my piece wasn't about the failure of Hollywood to deal with actresses over 40. It's clear that not only can't Hollywood figure out what to do with women who don't look like they're in their early twenties, they also don't have the slightest idea what to do with women who don't conform to a model that could star in a movie version of Charlie's Angels, Jeanne Garafalo notwithstanding. Anyway, groups of golden girls have largely been the province of TV. Maybe when Diaz, et al., get older they can star in a film version of The Snoop Sisters. Renee Zellweger and Sandra Bullock aren't just America's current sweethearts, they're also the future Mildred Natwick and Helen Hayes.

Slotcar Hatebath

Mr Car,

A few quick notes on todays column for your personal growth:

Due to my incarceration this summer (it's not as cool as OZ) most of your piece was lost on me. BUT, let me tell you the spirit of it hit home. You know it's always us against the lousy screws in here. Sure as shit if we don't hang together, we hang alone. It is hard to keep up that comradery when someone will shiv you for a 40oz of raisin jack.

So if you don't mind I'll be recommending your web site to my homeys. I'm sure I'll have no trouble getting them to go to something called www.thesuck.net. If you could next time think of starting off with more of a bang or some pictures of Anna Paquin or George Clooney. Also an article entitled "The Love That Dare Not Speak its Name" might grab them too.

Geek Boy?

Your Fan,

Joe <Joseph_Iacovelli@rsausa.com>

PS: What if the cast of U571 switch casts with that team work gem Chicken Run.

Thanks for your letter! Have a cup of toilet bowl wine on me! And I can't believe I forgot Chicken Run in my roundup. I guess along with young women, animated farm animals can succeed where old men fail, too. Whatever the implications of that, I definitely won't be following up on them. I leave that to you and your pals in lockdown.

Slotcar Hatebath

Space suits aren't all that different from football uniforms; the superhero costumes in X-Men are rubberized hybrids of the outfits

that gwar wear when teenage girls are ritually sacrificed to their rock cocks. meanwhile a strange green substances born out of the ancient rock recovered from the sea bed twists and deformes itself into words desperately reaching for a foothold, slipping, mimicking, crackling as it pulls over the tines of a fork seeking to clone the regenerator G2.

you will be destroyed.

c. maan
<cmaan@julian.uwo.ca>

Thanks for the reminder, C. Sometimes I forget to pay my credit card bills on time, so it's great that you guys call up to remind me. Boy, I wish I had a job like yours!

Slotcar Hatebath

Dear Slotcar Hatebath,

Thanks for the insightful commentary on this latest group of Hollywood movies. Mainstream films are often entertaining for the messages that they unintentionally send. John Waters said that Showgirls was a very funny movie, but Joe Eszterhas doesn't appear to be in on the joke. On a related topic, it occurs to me that the tone of my e-mail has been really unnecessarily harsh. What I thought was a clever response on reflection looks mean and sarcastic. I don't always agree with the things I read in Suck, but that's no excuse for attacking a persons character. So, to you sir, I offer this apology.

Sincerely,

Mike Chicchelly
<mikeamy@stratos.net>

Thank you for sending in John Waters' opinion about Showgirls, a statement which has been trumpeted around like it's actually interesting since that film came out. But you know what, Michael? I don't give a rat's behind about what John Waters has to say. You know who said something interesting? Freud. He said that on the subconscious level, there are no accidents. This applies to mainstream films, Joe Eszterhas, and to e-mail from you. Thanks for reading.

Slotcar Hatebath

This is the best critique of recent trends in the film industry that I have read in a while. I am forwarding the article to several people in my office. Please keep up the good work.

Michael Goldstein
<m.goldstein@basicentertainment. com>

I don't like the word critique. I like the word criticism. A critique is college sophomores sitting in a circle trying to find not entirely mean ways to tell each other that their poetry stinks. Having said that, I still think you and your office-mates should go outside, sit in the grass, and get in a circle during your lunch hour and discuss my article as a group. I give you permission to print out copies and distribute them to everyone there.

Tell them not to pull any punches. Thanks for reading!

Slotcar Hatebath

The Shit

Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott

Five-Star Day Cafe Athens, Ga.

Salon's "Action Figures" TV ad

Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends

Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)

George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)

King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)

Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)

The ECW's Little Spike Dudley

Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)

Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000

Star Dudes

Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.