for 22 September 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY. |
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Egos a Go-Go!
Dear Peter, Nice write-up. I wish I had had the opportunity to see the Reform party split like a slimy little overgrown amoeba the way you did. Sadly, it is the well-meaning people who built this party (as an antidote to the other, bigger amoeba also known as the Republican and Democrat parties) who are the losers here. While Ross Perot apparently didn't have the right stuff to lead our nation, he did galvanize these folks to action, proving again that there is a substantial minority (majority?) whose heartburn is the product of the current, self-serving political pandemic of amoebic dysentery. The Reform party faithful may not know how to run a party, but they have a point. Jesse Ventura, one of the most courageous and underrated politicians on the scene, was right to join them and right to leave. That sucking sound is the air being let out of 12.6 million red, white, and blue Reform Party balloons. An Observer I'm a bit of an admirer of Jesse Ventura myself, and his relationship with the Reform Party perfectly illustrates everything that is wrong with the party's apparatus - and of Ross Perot himself.
Thanks,
![[Mr. McFeely Speedy Delivery My Ass]](/fish/images/lettericon.gif)
Hey, covering that high-schoolish tempest in teapot in such detail as you did would make anyone irritable...and maybe...a little careless. I'm no fan of either wing of the Reform Party, but you as a writer/artist need to be aware of the following at the very least (and if I missed your irony in regard to either of these two matters, I apologize): 1) The amount of matching funds is based on votes secured in the previous election. In other words, it is much more directly based on electoral achievement than just about any other index, and certainly more than any other source of funding, that comes readily to mind. "Let's ALL get matching funds! $12.6 Million for everybody!" makes you sound like the funny kid in class who got bored first and left (correct decision) first (for the wrong reason/knowledge is boring). 2) The jobs in question weren't/aren't in the least unchallenging. They are computer-assisted mechanical design and machine tool jobs. They are state of the art shipping facilities. They are not dishwashing or tennis shoe assembly. I'm guessing your age is working against you here-- you not only haven't had the chance to work one of these jobs/around those who do/did, and/or you didn't have the opportunity or inclination to get into the debate on job export in meaningful detail (which occurred in the 80s, not Pat B.'s jingoistic, I-hate-Mexes-don't-you '92 bullshit). And PLEASE tell me you don't think the most directly contrasting set of jobs to the blue-collar straw man you threw out there, jobs in the intellectual or manufacturing sectors of high technology, are 'safe' as compared to the old 1970s economy's 'dangerous' jobs. You might want to hold that judgment in abeyance for twenty years, until you can check how well your eyesight's doing and how easy or difficult it is to get safe water in California. The risks, dramatically minimized in American manufacturing everywhere outside coal mines or nuclear plants by about '75, are simply different, not absent, when one looks at high tech. And the pay scales are actually comparable. If you don't believe me, watch what another year of dot.com and high tech blue sky collapse brings to that sector's wage structure. It'll start with net loss of jobs, then the new/entry people won't get the same rates, then job conditions will begin to suck... sound familiar? Name the system, not the sector. Thanks again. <humanmeal@earthlink.net> I know that this (#1) is the case, and I thought I made this obvious in the story. Still, and not to discount the legitimacy of Perot's platform, the reason he did so much better than any other third party candidate in recent memory is because he had his personal wealth at his disposal. He was able to buy the public's attention, and that translated into the $12.6 million his successor received (a successor that Perot considers an impostor, but I digress). Therefore, unless a third party has a lot of personal, private wealth at their disposal to get their message out they never will be eligible for any sizable amount in matching funds - or any funds at all, for that matter. That's the very reason Hagelin's supporters selected a millionaire as his running mate, since they are now reliant on his personal wealth to conduct their Natural Law Party campaign. So maybe if he spends enough of his OWN money they'll be eligible for matching funds in 2004! I'm 42 years old, and I remember the '80s. The people whose jobs were "exported" back then for the most part wound up with other, better jobs. Unemployment was down by the end of the decade, average income was up, and it's been going up ever since (this is true for ALL Americans, and not just the wealthy. Even people who qualify as "poor" these days more often than not own a car, a microwave, TWO TVs, and obesity is all too common). Coming from a long line of lumberjacks doesn't entitle you to a lifetime of lumberjacking. Once there are no trees to cut down you move on to a different line of work. Efforts at "saving" jobs are futile and unrealistic in the long run. I don't understand your comments about eyesight or safe water. Neither you nor I nor anyone else knows if and/or when this new dot.com economy will "crash" or not. Corrections and fluctuations in this new economy are inevitable, but considering the size, political clout, and education level of the people who hold these jobs I can't see the rug being pulled out from under them as recklessly and capriciously as you seem to be foreseeing. As for working conditions: people are using rest bars to cut down on carpel tunnel syndrome, and they're already rebelling against long working hours - something that routinely happens when companies evolve from entrepreneurial start-ups to paternal corporations. New problems arise all the time, and then they're resolved. What kind of deteriorating conditions are you envisioning? Leaky roofs? Drafty windows? Thank you! Seriously, Peter B
Peter Bagge's piece on the reform party was hilarious and thrilling. One nitpick, though. He disses anti-NAFTA protesters by saying that no one would WANT those jobs, anyway. Well, Mr. Bagge may have just been trying to make a joke, and i don't argue that there are some shit jobs out there, but i would argue that many americans, particularly those who live in the small towns these jobs are disappearing from, don't feel they have a CHOICE about what work they do. They're supporting their families, sometimes, and i know this will shock some freelance types, with only one paycheck! And that paycheck comes from only one job that they must work at all day, sometimes all night and sometimes overtime to make ends meet. True, they may not WANT these crappy jobs, but they don't exactly have the option to outsource themselves or go into consulting or write vaguely amusing, sometimes condescending comic books. Must every poor person either make our Big Macs or ring up our sales at Wal-Mart. Sorry to rant there, but i think you get the point, and you probably even agree. Just thought that remark was a bit classist. Loved the piece, though. Cheers.
Josh Mertz You and others are valid in taking umbrage at my seemingly callous "classist" statement regarding "shitty" rural jobs. I feel sorry for anyone who, due to circumstances BEYOND THEIR CONTROL, finds themselves dependent on some source of income (and that goes for urban freelance cartoonists as well). My point is that, generally, we ALL have a lot more control over our lives and circumstances that all of the political discourse or grandstanding I've heard all of my life will dictate. The economic future of most small towns have been precarious for as long as I've been alive. That's why a lot of people move away from them. So why should the rest of us limit our economic freedom for the sake of people who CHOOSE not only to remain in these towns but to start families there? If these people want to preserve their "small town way of life" they should figure out a way to do so without lobbying for protectionism, and in effect making the rest of us subsidize their chosen lifestyle. Contrary to some outdated notions of what America is supposed to look like (rural, agricultural, white) it is NOT in our national interest to preserve small towns. I like the IMAGE of "family farms" - as opposed to their corporate-run counterparts - as much as the next sap, but we don't need family-owned farms to continue to eat like pigs. If it's in the interest of the people who LIVE in those towns, then they should act accordingly and not make their problems everybody else's problem. Thanks for writing! Peter B
great article... quite meaty, but the end grabbed me as abrupt. this is of course suck's 'end it right here' style, yet i was surprised about two things first, i'm not a flag waver, but to disregard political structures as "only" about money is too easy. they are about money, and the structures it inhabits! (i leave it there). second, no mention of Nader! could suck ever bear the weight of an actual stance....
mark Politics is about people protecting as well as expanding what's in their best interests. This includes preserving one's income as well as making more money. This is true of poor people as well as corporations So while politics isn't ONLY about money, it sure is hopelessly and endlessly tied up in it. Being a freelance writer, I have no idea who Suck.com endorses for president, if anybody. As for me, I'm voting for Harry Brown of the Libertarian Party. I think he'd make for a great president. I also think Ralph Nader would be a terrible president, since he's such a staunch believer in Government as Nanny - which, as a fully functioning adult, I find rather insulting. How's THAT for a "stance"? Peter B
Hi Peter: Did you read the Washington Post interview with Buchanan's running mate earlier this week? Great stuff - I especially liked the part where she says it wasn't so bad growing up under segregation; in fact, it made her feel kinda, you know, special. As for Hagelin: what a fraud! What a namby-pamby! His party don't even deserve to be called the Natural Law Party! Now the *Canadian* Natural Law Party, they're the real deal. In the last general election up there, their platform advocated replacing the Canadian Air Force (such as it is) with yogic flyers.
James Gibson Ezola Foster is a fascinating character, that's for sure. Although I seriously suspect that she is slightly insane. My voter pamphlet has several Natural Law Candidates running for local offices, all of whom believe that "stress-reducing techniques" (ie: TM) will lower crime rates. They also wanna try these techniques out for size in Kosovo as a form of conflict resolution. I'd LOVE to see them try, though at their own expense, of course. Peter B
Hit & Run
This is a bit pedantic, but nevertheless: The term "Olympiad" refers to the period between two olympic games! Not the actual happening! This FYI... Best wishes,
Asle Aasen Gundersen Decided to take a little time out from correcting people who thought the 21st Century started last January first, have you, Asle? We're sticking by our statement on two counts. First, usage deems it so: everybody says "Olympiad" to mean "Olympic games." More traditionally, our Random House Unabridged Dictionary does indeed give the following as its first "Olympiad" definition: "a period of four years reckoned from one celebration of the Olympic Games to the next, by which the Greeks measured time from 776 BC" But the second definition is the perfectly acceptable "a celebration of the modern Olympic games." No doubt you're sitting over there in Oslo saying "What do we care for the prattlings of some American dictionary? We're Norway, one of the world's leading exporters of oil, copper and pyrites! Our King Harald is the most admired monarch in Europe! Our abundant hydroelectric resources give us the highest standard of living in all Scandinavia! We gave the world Ibsen, and what has the world given us? Why, during the recent unpleasantness, so envious were both Axis and Allies of our rich heavy water resources that they came to vicious blows right here among our very hills and fjords! Random House dictionary, bosh! Random House is owned by Germans anyway. Who can trust them?" Rest assured, we take these objections seriously, Asle. We don't blindly accept the pronouncements of any dictionary, and we've put this one to the ultimate test of any dictionary's dependability: On our bathroom scale, the Random House Unabridged more than proves its mettle; it's a good 13-pounder! So until you can come up with a linguistic resource of greater weight, we'll be declaring victory on this little "Olympiad" controversy. Feel free to appeal the results with your own reference materials. Norwegian language dictionaries will be acceptable, but weigh-ins must use the English system, not the metric system, which the American people roundly and rightly rejected two decades ago. Sucksters
Dear sucksters- I am one of your biggest fans, I have been reading the site dilligently since you came out. Something in todays piece caught my eye though... "We've always been great admirers of the people of Australia. From the majesty of the Alps to the traditional charms of lederhosen and Alpine caps, Australians are truly a people blessed by nature and rich in culture." Just in case this wasn't a lame joke, Australia doesn't have the alps, Austria does. Australia isn't really blessed by nature either, it is just a big desert with kangaroos.
Good luck! Thanks, Eric! Your letter put us all in mind of our fondly remembered days in Hoboken, with its windmills and wooden shoes! Skating on the canals in winter, fishing for carp on the Waddenzee, boyhood strolls along the dams and dikes. Halcyon days, halcyon days! Thanks for the reminder. Several years ago, you printed a special Thanksgiving memory by one reader. It was a moving message for our entire family, and we've never forgotten it. Please print this message again, as we're surely not the only readers who found it special. Sincerely, Remembering in Hohokus
"We've always been great admirers of the people of Australia. From the majesty of the Alps to the traditional charms of lederhosen and Alpine caps, Australians are truly a people blessed by nature and rich in culture." how American... you don't know the difference between Australia and Austria... might i suggest a map?
Jason Theriault Jason, How could a map of Australia keep us up to speed, what with the rapidly changing face of Europe? The reunification of Germany, the breakup of the Czechs and Slovaks, the Balkan peninsula with all its breakaway republics. In all this multinational chaos, we should all be grateful for the Australians with their cheerful "G'day, Mate"s their lovable Qantas bears and their merry songs in the hofbrauhaus. Sucksters PS: Bachelorettes Alert! Take one look at the Jason gallery and your heart will be "dispossessed" straight to the Great White North!
I bet I'm not the first person to bring to your attention that no land-locked European countries have migrated to the southern hemisphere in the last two millennia, and I wouldn't normally make an issue of it, knowing as I do that most citizens of the USA have long had difficulty distinguishing any difference between the words "Austria" and "Australia", though whether this is caused by prolonged geographical navel gazing by a nation deluded into thinking it's the greatest thing since sliced bread or is the inevitable result of throwing out English in favour (not favor) of a language so much built for the lowest common denominator that a couple of letters added here or missing there couldn't possibly constitute a different word in the minds of its users is unclear. I'm sure that thesuck.net, being a quality publication that goes to great lengths to accurately research those whose mistakes it thrives on in its own self-righteous style can accept this email in the spirit in which it is sent. Now please excuse me - I have to go save some lost Austrian protesters from my ferocious pet kangaroo...
Tim Wilsom Are you really pretending that you give a rat's ass about the difference between "color" and "colour" or "criticise" and "criticize," or think about these spelling differences as anything other than a handy device for figuring out what country published a particular book or newspaper? I ask because once in a while some Canadian will trot out that old warhorse, apparently believing that the fact that we leave u out of our favour is some really zinging insult against American education. Is it a joke? The USA provides its critics with literally millions of examples of rank stupidity; don't you feel a little embarrassed clutching for such a feeble insult? Hell, even the English stopped picking that nit about 50 years ago. Is this what you guys spend your time worrying about in Australia? No wonder Hitler got fed up and left. Sucksters
A bunch of people risk jail-time and possible physical harm, and you point out there grammatical errors. You follow up this incisive commentary with a knowing wink about how "real" revolutionaries ought to behave. I mean, the charge of hypocrisy would most likely bounce of your battle hardened sarcasm hull, but calling them ineffectual is a bit too much like Bush calling Gore a sell-out. that came out wrong.
Joe! What hypocrisy? We didn't ask anybody to risk jail time or physical harm, and we don't recall ever indicating any support for (or even comprehension of) their cause. And as reform-minded leaders from Thomas Jefferson to Mohandas Gandhi have shown, revolutionary struggle is no excuse for poor sentence structure. Sucksters
Dear Sucksters: Yeah, we're all shocked to discover that R-rated material was being marketed to kids. Oh the horror. In one of Rex Stout's Nero Wolfe mysteries - written so long ago that books were actually being banned in Boston - Wolfe has to investigate the author of such a novel and he sends his lackey, Archie, off to buy the book. Archie remarks that the whole point of this thing is that the book has been banned, so how can he buy it? Wolfe says, essentially, "Piffle. What is the point of banning a book except to advertise it?" And Archie buys the book. If we really gave a damn about any of this, what we'd carefully keep out of children's hands would be classical music, most drama, almost all literature, and (most of all) fairie tales. We'd ban them on the completely correct assumption that they contain tremendous emotional violence and are too complex and painful for children to appreciate anyway. In six months there'd be a giant black market in Beethoven and Chris Marlow, and the world would be remade. Oh well. More for me.
Alan S Kornheiser What, no nod to the immortal lines of Allen Sherman:
And the head coach wants no sissies At least one Suckster had the following childhood sexual awakenings: - Learned the word "vagina" from reading the novel version of Jaws (an actual free-standing novel, although it's generally considered a novelization), which featured a weird subplot in which Chief Brody's wife has an affair with Matt Hooper - completely pointless and silly in the context of a book about a shark, but for this reader's purposes the most unique and memorable thing in the book. - Learned the word "rape" from a TV movie comedy in which a beautiful woman forces Paul Sorvino to have sex with her, then abandons him butt-naked by the side of the road (simple gender-reversal plots were considered incredibly clever back in the wild but still naive seventies). The actual act of sexual congress in the movie is so obliquely done that this viewer thought the entire point of the encounter was that the woman just forced the man to get undressed, and nothing else. Still the idea of being forced to disrobe in front of a beautiful woman seemed superhumanly erotic, and the fact that the rest of the movie was played for laughs left this viewer feeling completely cheated, and with a lifelong antipathy toward sex comedies: Sex is serious business, and anybody who tries to find humor in it has an insufficiently dirty mind. (I thought maybe I had imagined this whole movie as justification for being a pervert in later life, but it turns out it really existed.) - Never had access to any materials more pornographic than a JC Penny underwear ad until well into puberty. Even then, the experience was an accident resulting from divorce: When my mom moved us into our new apartment, it turned out the former tenant had one issue left on his or her subscription to Playboy, this one featuring an interview with George C. Scott and a centerfold spread of Terri Welles - still the all-time champ in this reader's opinion. The interview with George C. was pretty hot too, but by this point nothing between the covers of a magazine could equal the febrile scenarios playing out non-stop in the reader's own mind. Then there's Yukio Mishima's statement that he became a self-hating gay man because at the age of about seven he stumbled onto a picture of the impaled St. Sebastian in a book. So the moral is, kids are fucked. If kids have absolutely no access to any kind of outré materials, they'll come up with perversities in their own minds that will be infinitely more insane than anything Al Goldstein could invent. Better to let them look at and listen to whatever the hell they want, because there's no hope to begin with. Sucksters
"We've always been great admirers of the people of Australia. From the majesty of the Alps to the traditional charms of lederhosen and Alpine caps, Australians are truly a people blessed by nature and rich in culture..." Bwahaha, now that's funny!
Joe Breuer You find Joerg Haider funny? Well he's not, buster! All Australians should be concerned about the rise of the far right in their own country. Sucksters
You just want to bait that Sierra Leone guy again, don't you?
David Sadly, our friend with the Sierra Leone info has been out of contact these many months. But rest assured that many other Suck readers decided to strut their geographical stuff! Don't be fooled by their modest ways, David. The Suck army is paying attention! Sucksters
"From the majesty of the Alps to the traditional charms of lederhosen and Alpine caps, Australians are truly a people blessed by nature and rich in culture." I tried for entire minutes to see what could possibly be written between the lines of this segment that would give credence to this gross geographic and cultural reference faux pas. There was nothing to be found. So it rightfully should be stated that, from the majesty of the Alps to the traditional charms of lederhosen and Alpine caps, AUSTRIANS are truly a people blessed by nature and rich in culture. A grand and sweeping generalization in which, I'm sure, somewhere therein lies your explanation for the existence of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Formerly in (mild) awe of your editors,
Emily Smith Ever heard of Mozart? Haydn? Emperor Franz Josef? Whatever happened during World War II, Australians have a lot to be proud of, Emily. They don't just spend all their time yodeling. Stop trying to belittle the many achievements of the folks Down Under. Sucksters
I enjoyed reading your take on the Bush campaign's "RATS" ad, but in my opinion, you missed the best part of the whole fiasco: the opportunity to hear the shrub mispronounce yet another word. Since George seems unusually spoonerism-prone when under stress (perhaps he's concerned with "putting food on our families,"), I was really prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. However, after hearing him denounce as ridiculous the notion that his campaigners put "subliminable" (sic) messages in ads on three separate occasions, I had to come to the conclusion that the guy just doesn't know the word. All three occasions were aired in the same news segment on NPR (yes, you're correct, I'm a geek), and were played inside a two minute span. NPR at least had the good taste to leave it up to jerks like me to point out that string of mini-gaffes. Perhaps this was in anticipation of Lance Morrow's article criticizing the media's propensity for making fun of Dubya . To Mr. Morrow I can only say this: suck it up, sir. If the people of this country can't call the next president of the United States "a fucking moron," as you put it, then we're no better than the stinking Reds.
Sammy Baby Lance Morrow's "Bush is down with real salt of the earth Americans because he doesn't know how to talk" argument is an old one. And it's totally illogical: If anything, his diction proves what an upperclass twit he really is. Actual Americans know that if you talk like an idiot (or more precisely, if you talk like the wrong kind of idiot, which Bush does), you won't get anywhere in the business world. Back during the Ebonics controversy, there was even a good-cop faction of anti-Ebonic zealots arguing that if you can't speak the Queen's English you'll be doomed in the professional world. Unless of course you're a rich fucker whose family will prop you up despite your obvious lack of skill or aptitude or intelligence or any of those other traits which the Almighty hands out at random and without regard for race, creed, color, or class. Or as Moses Malone said in fewer words, "I'd rather say 'I be rich' than 'I am po'.'" But at least Moses was a hard-working rebounder. Bush doesn't even have a particularly strong work ethic to recommend him. He's had to work half as hard to go twice as far, and the fact that he's gotten rich as Croesus without speaking a word of English is proof of that. And as salt of the earth Americans, we find it abominabable! Sucksters
Aargh! My evil IT department is lollygagging on getting my "new" computer outfitted with speakers, so I can't hear the audio on what I'm sure is a hilarious Flash presentation. Can Humberto Moreira possibly supply a written transcript? Also, when are you guys going to make fun of Bobby Knight again? I really expected it in this week's "Hit & Run." Not that you owe me anything, of course. I surely don't want to upset the Sucksters. :) Sycophantic and loving it,
Alexia C. Henke Second request: Bobby Knight is a big fatso! Always happy to be of service, Sucksters
You guys are really funny. First, the Sierra/Sergio Leone thing, and now this: "We've always been great admirers of the people of Australia. From the majesty of the Alps to the traditional charms of lederhosen and Alpine caps, Australians are truly a people blessed by nature and rich in culture" And you talk about Dubya's learning disabilities in the same article! Thanks for the bemusing but inscrutably obscure (is he kidding or...?) features of your features.
Mike Kenny Don't worry, Mike. Quite a few people still didn't get the joke, and a substantial subgroup of those tried to cop out with phrases like "Maybe that was a really lame joke, but you know..." Which of course puts us in the position of having to say "Oh yeah, it was a really lame joke." Little do they know that we've never scrupled about lame jokes. Sucksters
Hello, sucksters: I found something curious in the piece about Cameron Crowe's new movie: ...the movie's fictional band is called Stillwater. But Stillwater was the name of an actual seventies band (one of dozens of nearly-identical Southern Rock bands that recorded for Capricorn): http://www.southern-rock.de/stillwater.htm Don't they have fact-checkers for this stuff? Or is the error yours for thinking the band in the film is fictional?
James Gibson Sucksters
Re: Australian Culture You have no idea how much it pisses Australians off when damned yanks harp on about the bloody Alps and bloody lederhosen. You're completely overlooking our real contributions to modern global culture - Adolph Hitler, Kurt Waldheim, Jorg Haider and John Howard. Hell, most American tourists here are in shock after finding out we have beet on our burgers... Yours,
Steve (von) Golding Sucksters
I almost canceled the "Suck" after reading yours - "Hit & Run 9-14-00". The image of the Alps and lederhosen have always reminded me of Austria and The Sound of Music; and Australia of the outback and Aborigine. If this is the good stuff your mag will not last, I hope.
Richard Pratt Sucskters
I have a tumour on my humour today so do you really think that the Alps are in Australia?
Jerri Sucksters
On your 9.14.00 piece, you don't really think the Australians have a place for Alps, alpine caps or lederhosen ? You mean Austria, right ? (a couple time zones away...)
Paulo Rebordao Maybe you're on to something, Paulo. So ... which country is it where they have mohawks and ride around on motorcycles chasing Mel Gibson? That country's way cool! If Australia has all that and the Alps too, whoo-ee! Sucksters
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