for 4 October 2000. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

greetings:

for no good reason, a thought pierced my slack-jawed idiocy while reading today's filler. it occurred to me that evolution seems to favor smaller, faster, and more efficient things. given that preposterous hypothesis, and given the fact that evolution can affect all parts composing the whole, i hereby propose the theory of the smaller, faster, penis as being evolutionarily advantageous. not only would a smaller faster penis be able to work more efficiently, it would also, ostensibly, operate under heisenberg's uncertainty principle, allowing 'randomness' to work for said smaller, faster, wiener. my question is this, however: what subliminal (or subliminable in the honorable george w. bush's smaller, faster, vocabulary) message did you implant in filler that would have caused me to think this?

merely curious,

allen
<alllee@cs.indiana.edu>

Oh sure, blame it on me. The fact is, I would never have suggested that a smaller faster penis is better. I think Freud might give you more insight into where this "message" came from. But you know, choose your delusion.

Polly

Hi,

I am a computer person. There is no sexy way to tell a woman that you are a computer programmer/engineer/technician/analyst. I've tried them all. None work. Help.

P.S. — How do I really go about getting Suck apparel? Being too connected for my own good, I can get suck mentions and links on plenty of sites all over but I'm not sure this is enough. Specifically, I want a Suck.com hat. Make this happen and I will suckle your penis.

Alex Graveley
<graveleya@yahoo.com>

I was recently in Evansville, Indiana, and a woman there told me a joke. An older couple are sitting at a table at the country club. A pretty young woman comes in, and touches the man's arm and talks to him for a while, then leaves. His wife turns to him and says, "Who the hell was that?" He says, "Well, that was my mistress." She's shocked and disgusted and says she's divorcing him immediately. He says, "Go ahead and divorce me. But think about it. Are you sure you can live without the Lexus, and the nicest house on the block, with the pool, and the country club membership, and all that jewelry, and the shopping trips, and the trips to Europe?" She thinks about it for awhile. Then another old guy walks in with a younger woman, and the wife asks her husband who it is. "That's Bob's mistress," he says. The wife replies, "Well! Our mistress is a LOT better looking than theirs is!"

What a sick, sexist joke, huh?

So, maybe you should get a Lexus.

Onward: I don't have a penis, but if I did, I wouldn't refer to "suckling" unless I wanted people to think that I was very, very small. I'm not sure why I'd want people to think that, or why you would, but I'm really beginning to think that Lexus is just the thing for you.

Polly

Polly,

Today's Filler was so concise, to the point, and so generally free of divergence and confusion that I am worried. Are you feeling okay? Was there a substitute Polly? (Polly Ethylene? Polly Nomial?) Or was this part of some automated Filler generation experiment? Filler seemed almost mainstream this week.

On a side note, my long suffering friend, Andrea the payroll princess, would like you to please explain this riddle to her. She is convinced it must be funny and I haven't been able to help her out.

Q: How do you recognise a computer expert on an oil rig?

A: He is the one throwing crusts to the helicopters.

Thanks,

John MacW
<jrm@best.com>

Ah, that reminds me of a great joke I just heard.

Q: How do you recognize a computer expert on an oil rig?

A: He's the guy with the little dick trying to parallel-park his Lexus.

Just basically a mean person,

Polly

Dear Polly:

I read all your columns (or most of them, anyway) and I thought today's was one of the all-time best. Last night, my wife and I were discussing the subject of explaining what you do to strangers and folks at parties/church/the gym/whatever and today I read your column. I used to work at Broadcast.com and Yahoo!, and made the mistake of leaving for a "better" job at another Internet start-up which is about to go bust — or, I hope it goes bust, since I was lied to by the ceo/founder who got me to join the company in the first place!

My dad always told me that most people really don't care what we do, that we imagine that they are so much more concerned than they really are, and that most people, even the apparently together people, have their own insecurities to deal with. But, it's tough to just be oneself, and not try to be "important". I've been seeing a career counselor for a few months, and she is really good. She told me that she has a lot of clients who are in hi-tech as programmers and such, and they hate it, but everyone tells them that they're in such a hot field that they can't leave. I've also been struggling with the isse of trying to do something "meaningful", and she said I'll probably always have that hang up, but that I just need to try to do something that I imagine would be cool or fun to do. That would be easy if I didn't worry what people thought!!

Have you ever read the book Class, by Paul Fussel? It's great, and it discusses the theme of trying to impress people and move up the social ladder, with the irony that most people really don't care about your car/college decal/job/house, etc.

Thanks for the great columns. I appreciate them each week.

Best,

Jeff Swan
<jeffs@fieldsource.com>

You know, Jeff, your dad is absolutely right. Most people don't care what we do, they have their own insecurities to deal with. For example, at your last office party, you were chatting away with someone in engineering about your job, thinking maybe he was thinking about what a low-level scrub you were, when, actually, maybe he was worried about, you know, the weather, or, you know, the fact that the sock in his pants was about to fall out the bottom of his pants' leg. In fact, maybe that's why he diverted your attention by suggesting you two take a spin in his brand new Lexus. Sly dog!

Just goes to show you, no one really cares who's got the hottest mistress.

Polly

god i hate it when you're so spot-on with your pissy observations. a friend of mine came into town this weekend from washington state...that's right, he works for microsoft. not only does he work for microsoft but he's now got a position of import that allows him semi-regular access to...that's right, big bad bill. at some point he asked me, "what is it that you do?" me? sputter, flail, stutter, did i mention that i'm the father of triplet boys?

thanks polly

Lance Sulton
<lsulton.triplei@medimedia.com>

First of all, your name says it all. Secondly, how much cuter and more fun are your triplets than Bill Gates? Thirdly, you could become King of the Universe and your "friend" would still be blathering on about how Bill really prefers cinnamon sprinkles to chocolate in his triple nonfat no-foam latte. I hate that guy. I'll kick his ass for you. I mean, come on, semi-regular access to Big Bad Bill? What is this, a bathhouse?

Suckle this, you robber baron bastard!

Polly

Apparently, during World War 2 if you were working on something top-secret and someone asked you what it was you did for the government, you could give the smart-ass answer "I make wheels for miscarriages." (You know, my stepmother always used to warn me, "Nobody likes a smart-ass." But the funny thing was — nobody liked her!) "Lion-tamer" is another surefire occupation, as is "chrononaut" (my dream job.) "Chrononaut" may be literally true, too, for those who spend their days reading old books, shopping for ancient used crapola at the thrift shop or listening to long-dead musicians on CDs. But the answer "writer" is the worst conversation killer there is. "That must be interesting" can be met with "Actually, it's a dog's life" (pilfered from Keep the Asphidistra Flying)--just as "are you working on a novel?" "Yes, but it's a piece of shit." (pilfered from Animal House). Yeah, chrononaut! That's the best answer. What exactly was Jennifer Lopez's job in The Cube--cerebronaut? Psychonaut? That's going to be the second big growth field of the 21st century. Imagine an amazing journey into the brain of Jennifer Lopez!

Updating my resume,

Richard Von Busack
<regisgoat@earthlink.ne>

Let's see, how can I beat those same two stupid jokes into the ground even more? I think of two stupid jokes at the start of the day and then just spit them back at anyone who writes in. Isn't it fascinating to see a cutting-edge comedian at work?

That's what I describe myself as: Cutting Edge Comedian. When anyone asks me what I do (which they always do, since I'm stunningly attractive — tall and thin — and naturally they wonder if I'm in the entertainment industry ["If you're not, you should be!" they always squeal]) I always say: "Ah, well, I'm a cutting edge comedian. I write wildly hilarious jokes that appear weekly on Suck.com, the longest running daily site on the Internet, the graphical portion of the World Wide Web." That always shuts them up, but mostly because I take out the keys to my Lexus and twirl them ostentatiously on my pinky finger.

But then I found out "Lexus Driver" is a code name for "Guy with a Suckle-able Penis," so I stopped doing that.

Everybody hates a smart-ass, particularly one can't stop beating a dead horse,

Polly

Great stuff. You guys continue to amaze. What a great free read, and no advertising. The mysteries of economics. Time for another Caddyshack fix.

DD
<Nullen@aol.com>

One of the great things about Suck continues to be the lack of advertising on its pages. Sometimes I wish Our Publisher would relax his moral standards and get some, though. I, at least, could use the dough. But the guy just hates money. I think he wrote a book about how stupid it is, or was that a golf instruction video? I'm a little confused these days.

Slotcar H.

Slotcar,

Just a couple of thoughts;

1. You totally ignore the Meatballs franchise and its effect on popular culture. You mean to tell me you don't sing the "C*I*T*'s" song at family gatherings. That you don't chant Spaz, Spaz, Spaz, Spaz at every hot dog eating contest. That when you watched Chris Makepeace in My Bodyguard, you could not help but think of him as Woody the Wabitt.

All I can think is you choose to ignore think cinematic high-water mark due to some sort of old school Haley Mills hand in the warm water incident that is too painful for you to revisit.

2. I am not annoyed by the gopher. My peers and myself cheer for him like the shark in Jaws, like Jason, like Freddy, like Death in a Sweedish movie. So take my advice Mr. Hatebath and step off the gopher.

Your Faithful Reader,

Joseph A. Iacovelli Esq.
<Joseph_Iacovelli@rsausa.com>

Esq.,

Both Chris Makepeace and I thank you for writing in. I was too busy rooting for your mama at the last hot dog eating contest I attended to chant "Spaz," but as for the gopher, you're right. He is like Max von Sydow in The Seventh Seal. Murray's death match with him is like a game of chess played on a golf course of light- and dark-green checkerboard squares. The gopher haunts Murray still. Look at Groundhog Day. Gopher, groundhog, what's the difference? Why is Murray's career so mixed-up with woodchucks whose colloquial names start with the letter G? In this context, the unfunny Murray-vehicle Larger Than Life, with its elephant co-star, starts to seem like a desperate attempt for the star of Meatballs to decisively split with ground squirrels by taking up with a pachyderm.

Slotcar H.

I was at the grocery store the other day and saw a Talking Gopher from Caddyshack! It jorbled more than talked, really. Thought you might care.

Th»ric W. Jepson

Dear th.,

I've been wondering whatever happened to the gopher. Was he bagging groceries or just hanging around trying to get someone to buy booze for him?

Thanks for the heads up!

Slotcar H.

Subject: Re: average white bland

Hi, 4.0:

Nice piece, as usual. And have you noticed that the ironic use of the term "normal" seems to be at an all-time high? Look at the soon-to-be-disappointing (and, no doubt, irritatingly white and young) TV fall season, where the use of the term graces "The Trouble with Normal" and "Normal, Ohio" in a facetious manner.

Once upon a time, during an age founded on assembly lines and the "organization man" management style (cf. "Apostles of the New Entrepreneur: Business Books and the Management Crisis" by Bill Boisvert from The Bafflers' "Commodify Your Dissent"), being "normal," "one of the boys," and "keeping up with the Joneses" were considered a good thing. Now we have to "think different," while "sometimes you gotta break the rules" or "be your own dog."

I haven't yet figured out if the rise of rampant individualism has made our society a much better place, but I'm not yet ready to bet anyone's farm on it.

Tim Nekritz
<nekritz@dreamscape.com>

The thing that's great about the facetious "normals" in the titles is that television networks now assume you have to be told the setting is wacky - as if the ten-years-ago TV version of an Alaskan bordertown or a blue collar northern Illinois household were bleak, Jon Jost-like portrayals of American life as lived. I recommend skipping all new broadcast TV for two shows, if you can find them: the subtitled Asian soap opera mini-series syndicated to some big cities, or the greatest television show in the history of the world, Al Alberts' Showcase.

I don't know if rampant individualism has done the world any good, but it didn't do my blood pressure any good stuck sick at home watching professional football last weekend. Given the number of obnoxious displays — the type of which would have led me to have my face getting stepped on in a McDonald's parking lot if I had tried them in high school -- when I read Vince McMahon is not going to keep his players from letting loose when they celebrate in his XFL, I can only imagine this means he's going to let them urinate on each other or set cheerleaders on fire.

Best,

40th Street Black

i'm a little worried that by writing i am opening myself up to nasty repartee at my own expense (suck types like to do that as i'm sure you know) but i wanted to tell you that your columns are consistently well-written, concise, and offer cool, oblique views into our surpassingly weird world. they are always a pleasure to read, and they make ya think. thanks.

ok, you can make fun of me now

Jon Dohlin
<jdohlin@wcs.org>

I wouldn't dare make fun of you — that's the nicest letter I've received that wasn't from a college friend I browbeat into helping me look good in front of the editors.

Thanks,

40th Street Black

Dear Tom Spurgeon,

Very enjoyable article. Although I've known about Middletown since I was in my early teens, I regret that it is still on my list of books to be read. A couple of other things occurred to me that may have accounted for the sensation the book created when it first came out. One of these was rise to prominence of sociology as a discipline in this country after World War I, particularly in comparison with European countries. The Germans, most conspicuously Max Weber and Georg Simmel, created the theoretical foundations of modern sociology, but in that country it has remained a respectable yet relatively marginal discipline in comparison with its status here. (The founding of the Institute for Social Research in the 1920's would have seemed a wildly radical gesture by the standards of German academia, even if the Institute had not had such an obviously Marxist bent from the beginning.) However, the rise of sociology coincides--and probably not so coincidentally--with the emergence of advertising as a major business enterprise and the creation of big ad agencies, many of which are still with us today. And the practice of ad agencies and their clients of commissioning professionally trained researchers to do marketing surveys to determine what the "average" American was likely to purchase must date already from that time, I think. Last but not least, those phenomena in turn coincide with the rise of radio broadcasting, one of whose main effects was to further accelerate the process of cultural homogenization that had started with the building of the railroads and then really got into gear with the rapid growth of auto transport, an event whose significance you rightly note.Have you ever seen King Vidor's great film The Crowd, made in 1928? While it would be a mistake to interpret the film as a kind of leftist critique of American life--as Andrew Bergman tends to do in We're In the Money--but it provides an astonishing portrayal of lower middle class life in New York city just at the moment the Lynds were polishing their study for publication. Vidor later went on to film Ayn Rand's right wing tract The Fountainhead in what might termed American fascist style, and similar values are discernible in The Crowd. At least, the older film is indebted to Ralph Waldo Emerson instead of Rand, and although Vidor depicts the failure of his hero as inevitable, he regards him with compassion rather than contempt. The picture is available in quite a good video with a new orchestral score. If you can't run down a copy, let me know and I'll be happy to lend you mine.

Best wishes,

Dave C
<daveclayton@worldnet.att.net>

Hi Dave.

Thanks for another thorough and interesting letter. I've heard of but not seen the Vidor movie, so I'll track that down. I think the Lynds' contribution was more effective and had longer legs than a lot of the activist writing of the period and from earlier decades because the Middletown Studies were superficially benign. Like one of those big magazine articles trying to sum up an emerging generation, the prescriptive elements are often forgotten in favor of the sheer novelty of the sweeping arguments being made. The documentary filmmakers who worked in Muncie in the late 1970s nailed down the class differences — while adding touching portraits of race and generational disagreements — but scared and depressed people to the point where none of the films, save perhaps the portrait of a struggling pizza owner, really served as a stepping ladder to a greater, and meaningful, discussion of those kinds of differences. They were too depressing.

Best,

40th Street Black

The Shit

Krushchev Remembers, by Nikita Krushchev (authorship disputed), translated by Strobe Talbott

Five-Star Day Cafe Athens, Ga.

Salon's "Action Figures" TV ad

Donna's Famous "Long and Short of It," by Donna Anderson and friends

Two-Lane Blacktop, directed by Monte Hellman (The Anchor Bay/Universal letterboxed edition)

George Bush, Dark Prince of Love: A Presidential Romance, by Lydia Millet (Scribner)

King Kong: The Complete 1933 Film Score, by Max Steiner Moscow Symphony Orchestra, William J. Stromberg conductor (Marco Polo)

Eightball #20, by Dan Clowes (Fantagraphics Books)

The ECW's Little Spike Dudley

Stan Kenton, City of Glass, featuring arrangements by legendary weirdo Bob Graettinger (EMD/Blue Note)

Comix 2000, Edited and published by L'Association, 2000

Star Dudes

Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.