for 10 January 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

When did you work at Gorin's? Are we talking about the same little ice cream chain in Atlanta? My family used to go to the one in Buckhead about twice a week. I still remember filling out those contest cards to pick the store's new name when that bastard "other Steve" from Boston sued the hell out of them.

BWT, I'm a Libra and I'm pretty pissed about my horoscope for this year. What really bites is that this sounds exactly like the way 2000 went. And if I have another fucking repeat of last year's descent-into-soap-opera-madness I may have to forsake all my material possessions, move to India, and become an ascetic monk. Monk food is kind of lame, and the damn Hindus won't let you eat the occasional hamburger, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about chicks or the stock market.

On the other hand, maybe I could smuggle myself into Tibet and hang out with the Tantrics. Enlightenment through unyielding, overwhelming indulgence sounds like my kind of religion. Then again, the Dalai Lama is SO 1994.

Marshall Yount
<myount@broadcast.com>

I worked at Gorin's in Durham, NC in 1986. It was my first job. I fattened up and met my first boyfriend, Ian. He dumped me for this blonde named Tanya shortly thereafter. I was heartbroken. I mean, we both really liked RUSH, it was so obvious we were meant to be together.

Anyway. I can't think of anything wiser than forsaking your material possessions and moving to India. At least read The Book by Alan Watts. Sure, he killed himself, what did he know, blah blah blah. It's a good book. Buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia, some Minute Maid lemonade, the new PJ Harvey album, and come home from work every night and run 2 miles, then read and eat ice cream. But not tonight — tonight you have to skip the run so you have time to tune into "Temptation Island" — you know, Survivor meets Baywatch. Is this a great time or what?

Indulgently,

Polly

I just have to tell you that I think you are best. I've been reading your stuff every day now for the past 3 years and you've never let me down. Thanks for brightening the day.

Neil Cashman
<Neilc@vom.com>

I've never let you down? I don't buy that for a second. Surely there were some slow Wednesdays in the summer of 1997. I distinctly recall a Filler where Wink Martindale, a martian, and a hipster engage in banter on par with your typical episode of "Full House."

Thanks for lying through your teeth, nonetheless. I love to see people lie for my sake. I find it extremely comforting. Even more comforting than when people pick fights for my sake, or lose sleep over me.

Your magical princess,

Polly

Just a shot in the dark here, but could you tell me where SUCK is stationed at, and how to get hired? College is over, child is growing, and my sanity is melting away in this household. Any direction you could point me in would be grateful, or you could just post me in filler sometime this year and I would be just as grateful. Surely you could at least spare some change?

Love and kisses,

Stefan Walz - Full time D.A.D.
<haley002@earthlink.net>

Suck is stationed at the center of the universe. Getting hired by Suck is well-nigh impossible, since they've done more firing than hiring for 5 years running. There are only a handful of us left, and we're not about to let go of our exalted positions just because you need cash for Pampers.

Does anyone out there have a job for this nice young Daddy?

Proud to do my patriotic chore,

Polly

I live for Wednesdays.

I recently moved to NY from SF and I thought I'd share some thoughts with you.

They don't have those yummy roast beef deli sandwiches w/the horseradish here like they do there, goddamnit.

Also, the weed out here sucks and it's really, really expensive. Not to mention that it's like, a REALLY big deal if you get high at any point of your day, let alone before a meeting (it goes without saying that there is no agency bong for use). Maybe, just maybe, someone will break out a pipe at some party and think they're really cutting loose and everyone around them will giggle conspiratorially and when the pipe finally gets to you it's the fucking dust of some seed-ridden Puerto Rican tumble weed. The funny thing is, everyone is so uptight that I think they could seriously benefit from consistent marijuana use.

Then there's the weather.

But, not all is bad. For example, the cabs are cheaper!

I love you.

Matt

I love you too, Matt, although I prefer not to touch you.

At least in New York you won't end up fucking your best friend's boyfriend by accident because there are only about 5 straight men with brains in their heads and meat on their bones in the whole fucking town. Speaking of which, my ex-boyfriend Jake's movie, Haiku Tunnel, is playing at Sundance, so look for it in a movie theater near you, God and distributors willing.

Anyway: San Francisco. Enough already. I fucking hate the weather in SF — no extremes, just endless days of being chilled to the bone with no reprieve in sight. Sure, there are tons of interesting women and great restaurants. The coffee is very strong. Sometimes when the fog rolls in it's sort of romantic. But what good does that do us? I said I wasn't going to touch you. Besides, who needs strong pot in NYC? What do you want to do, get hit by a cab? Go over to Jimmy's Corner on 42nd between 6th and Broadway (I think) and have a few beers and you'll forget about stupid slouchy nights sucking up bong hits in the Mission with your juvenile friends in no time.

Cheaper in NYC,

Polly

Good column, as always. I work for a large ISP, and a lot of what you said resonates with me. When I started here two years ago, I thought that I was getting into the sweetest gig ever. This was my first "New Economy" job -- I had never worked for a company whose primary focus didn't seem to be making huge profits. When this ISP opened up a call center in my home town, a lot of semi-skilled workers thought that this alone would deliver us from a lifetime of food service jobs.

Two years, and one merger later, I've seen a lot of "Old Economy" style re-orgs, which has flattened the structure of the company. It's now harder than ever to get a promotion, and annual raises are rarely higher than 2%. Many of my co-workers feel like they are trapped in a situation where they aren't making any progress in their careers. They resent being left to stagnate within the company.

Consequently, many of us (at least in Tech Support) are grumpy. It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if our customers looked at us as being at least has helpful as PacBell when it comes to getting any assistance. When you are the equivalent of the McDonald's counter worker of the internet economy, it can be difficult to muster any enthusiasm for your work. And if the economy goes south you'll see a lot of us down at the EDD collecting checks to support addiction to expensive coffee and cheap weed.

I'm not sure whether or not most people who work for utility companies are affected by economic downturns, but I think it's pretty safe to say that they are not floating on an economic "bubble" that's threatening to burst. At least they have a union.

Thanks for your time

--Brent Sullivan
<brents@flashmail.com>

Actually, the employees we contact during First World Communications' now-almost-weekly service outages are generally a pretty polite and sympathetic bunch — a strong indication that no union is involved — but they are unable to provide any information or actual help, and this happens often enough that it is pretty clear this stingy policy comes from above.

We did think it worth noting that a major ISP in the heart of the internet provides service worthy of the Peruvian postal service: These outages, if continued unchecked, will eventually have a deleterious effect on Suck itself. More generally, it makes you wonder how the government ever thought the internet was going to survive a nuclear attack by the Russians.

yr pal,

Magua

The problem with "deregulation" is that it was the form, not the fact, of regulation that was modified. "Deregulation" in this case appears to me to be one of

a) a well-intentioned idea badly implemented, as the majority of California legislators are not acquainted with how markets actually work. b) a sneaky attempt to get rich quick on the part of certain legislators (rumors abound that some of our solons have equity positions in the power generation companies, where there are no limits on price/kW). c) an attempt by state Democrats to discredit the label "deregulation". d) an attempt by Greens to force energy conservation by bollixing power generation and making it impossible to create new capacity.

My bet is on (a), personally. One thing I've discovered is that stupidity is more common than malice. The other reason (a) is most likely is that no legislator wants to be associated with price increases for ANYTHING. It strikes me that California's politicians wanted to ensure they came out looking good, so they passed a law saying that prices could only go one way -- down. Unfortunately, this was not what happened.

Rob McMillin
<rlm@pricegrabber.com>

You're probably on the right track, Robert. But the question remains. How can a service like electricity ever not fall into the hands of a monopoly? It's not control of the means of production that matters here (though the fact that PG&E offloaded actual generation is apparently the main reason raw prices are high). It's control of the means of delivery: Is Magua Power and Light really going to build all new pipes and wires to Walnut Creek and Hollister in order to compete with the big boys? This is not the way of Magua. Magua will put them all under the knife.

yr pal,

Magua

Hi there!

Enjoyed your article. 

Interesting tidbit about the TVA...It was supposed to create more electric power and save on coalas well, right?  Well, electricity not only got really cheap (hence the financial problems of the TVA), but the rising rivers duie to the dams allowed coal barges to travel to the old coal-fired power stations, continuing our reliance on that form of energy!

Regards, 

Tom Cmajdalka
Entertainment Solutions Manager
Consumer Line of Business
Cisco Systems, Inc.

<tomc@cisco.com>

Thanks, Tom. In fairness to the TVA, these kinds of unintended are practically inevitable — a good example of why this sort of centralized planning tends to end in tears. Not that we're sure, given the alternatives, that the TVA is such a unique failure in the first place.

Magua knows the utilities are dogs and slaves.

yr pal,

Magua

You wrote, "customers have been brutalized by authentication failures and router outages, most recently in a denial of service that lasted from December 18 until a few days after Christmas. Customers calling to bellyache were assigned a number and nothing else — no estimated time for repairs, no offer of a rebate on the ol' monthly bill, nothing but the High Hat we thought only the government was allowed to give us. Everywhere else in the country, of course, ISP options are even more limited."

And in Canada, too! Here we have Great White North's version of First World Communications — Rogers Communications, which provides internet service "The Wave" while it also delivers Cable TV and, lately, cell phone service.

I have been a long-time user of Rogers and I must say that the horror stories you describe in California sound eerily reminiscent of my ongoing trauma at the hands of Rogers — the system is frequently down, the helpline prone to being unreachable, and the inflexibility of Rogers (until recently you HAD to have cable in order to get the internet connection even though it was a separate line) vexing.

Canada's federal watchdog on communications is the Canadian Radio and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) and it is as spineless a regulator as you could ever find.

So a government-coddled monopoly can screw people with virtual (pun intended) impunity. And Rogers is buying sports teams and other media interests, so who knows how powerful and pervasive it will become.

Glenn Easton
<easton67@wave.home.com>

Thanks Glenn. Magua has no illusions about Canadian companies and their imperial tendencies, having watched almost all the people he knew in his trade paper days become employees of the Thompson Corporation. Magua himself worked for Thompson at one point. Apparently Thompson is owned by a "Lord Thompson." Magua hoped Lord Thompson would visit his holding someday, letting his employees line the streets and cheer as Lord Thompson in his periwig rode in on his coach and six. But apparently he's not that kind of a lord.

yr pal,

Magua

The environmentalists are to blame for our current energy cost-crisis. Across the US, coal plants are being shut down because of strict air quality standards while dams are being closed in the western states in favor of salmon stock. The Sierra Club, Earth First, the Pembina Institute and many others are responsible for putting a heavier demand on fossil fuels, thereby increasing cost.

Further more, the days of the Beverly hillbilly is over. Rather than "shootin' up a bubblin' crude", farmers now fight tooth & nail with energy companies in an effort to protect the health of their families and livestock. Some — Wiebo Ludwig for example — have resorted to terrorist bombing, Kuwait style, while some governments — such as BC Canada — are not allowing drilling contractors touch known fossil fuel formations off shore in an effort to protect the coast line.

Contrary to belief, fossil fuel producers are just as worried us. If prices exceed wind and solar energy — which is getting closer than you may think — it will be the beginning of the end for fossil fuel. I believe the real culprits are on the demand side rather than the supply. Nature is simply lashing out at the wasteful consumer.

Driving myself, alone to and from work, everyday in a big truck.

"Scott"
<mcott@planet.eon.net>

Oh sure, go ahead and blame the tree huggers, "Scott." Everybody knows the oil industry and the Big Three auto manufacturers have conspired for years against alternative resources like the manure-burning car and electric plants fueled by the power of laughter.

yr pal,

Magua

Magua—

Simply sagacious screed on the power/monopoly situation. But the weird thing is that, here in the Northeast, giant powercorps have been for years mothballing some of their operations because of "lack of demand." Or, more a propos, because they can't run them efficiently enuf. Vaguely reminiscient (tho not exactly a perfect metaphor, granted) of the govmint paying farmers not to grow even tho there are, as our mothers always said, people starving in Asia.

Deregulation has been as frenetic as a monkey on cappuchino, but it beats the heck out of the 800-pound gorillas known as monopolies beating us senseless until we don't notice the difference any more.

Again, very enjoyable piece.

Simon
<simonfr@dreamscape.com>

Thanks, Simon. Remember the good old days, when all our household appliances were powered by little dinosaurs who would turn gears and make wisecracks, and you had to run your feet along the ground real fast to get your car running? And then when we all lived on that desert island, where you rode a bicycle to work a big fan and make The Professor's radio run? You didn't hear any bellyaching about lack of demand then!

yr pal,

Magua

Lovely article, as usual, and I'll check out that film, but w/r/t your quote:

"Power utilities, let's face it, are not the first word in glamour: To be a TVA hawk is to be immersed perpetually in back issues of Modern Power System and Public Utilities Fortnightly."

I'm confused ...

It's like you're saying the utilities are unglamourous, then, halfway through it, make reference to the full-frontal, sex-charged micro-press trade pub industry. Niche mags are moist-pantied, throbbing-bishop, spanish-flied Viagra juice. What says "glamour!" like "Beef" magazine, or the "Rock Products — Cement Edition?" My company's been acquired by the biggest niche-mag micro-market trade paper publisher in the known universe, everyone's yelling how "Wall Street's gonna lap this up like Sunday marmalade off the houseboy," and I'm couting the days to vestation ...

So if you're working to paint an unflattering picture, you ought to stick with that gonad-shrivling mass-market drivel the Time-Warners regurgitate upon us; my peops at the Electric Co. and I'll hold onto our stock options AND our kleenex, thank you.

Best Regards —

Steve McNally
<SMcNally@about-inc.com>

Don't worry, Steve. Magua spent enough time in the trade paper universe that he can barely stand to mention America's vast range of specialty publications, even as a joke. The most memorable title Magua remembers is the medical journal Pain. Magua would have loved to write for that one, but you had to be a real MD, and Magua is only the Doctor of Fun.

yr pal,

Magua

The Shit

Physical Strength and How to Obtain It, by Eugen Sandow

Bamboozled, A Spectacular New Film by Mr. Spike Lee

G. Beato's all-new Soundbitten

William Demarest, Sultan of Snarl, in The Lady Eve (1941), The Palm Beach Story (1942), and The Miracle of Morgan's Creek (1944)

George Wallace: Settin' The Woods On Fire, directed by Daniel McCabe and Paul Stekler

1995

Bobby Darin, Darin at the Copa (Atlantic)

Shinji-San in the floating world of indeterminate duration, by Peter Richardson

American Pharaoh: Mayor Richard J. Daley: His Battle for Chicago and the Nation, by Adam Cohen and Elizabeth Taylor

Neutral Milk Hotel, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (1996, Merge)

45, by Bill Drummond

Cliff "Ukulele Ike" Edwards, Singing in the Rain (ASV)

Do you know of stuff that doesn't actively suck? Things so good they deserve to make the Shitlist? Send your suggestions to us.