for 7 March 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

Is it really true the pothead squirrel writes that awesome column on Temptation Island? You're apartment must be like Gertrude Stein's pad in Paris, all the great minds of one generation gathered together, doing drugs and having sex. How completely fabulous!

Ciao

Ben Schwabe
<schwabe13@yahoo.com>

She's not actually a pothead, but once Terry drew the squirrel it looked so good with a bong in its hands.

But yes, our lives are tremendously fabulous, sort of like the Surrealists or Dorothy Parker's gang. Oh, the drugs, the sex, the great minds, discussing big ideas, the great works...Just musing, really. Leisurely musing, sipping good wine, falling madly in love, destroying furniture — it actually gets quite dull after a while.

How I envy you little people with your petty concerns and deadening pursuits...

Polly

Dear Polly,

I can't decide which is worse. How long I have been reading your column or how long you have been doing it. You certainly have a lot to be proud of. Few people make a successful career out of being a miserable person. At some point though, you are in danger of maturing. Or worse, becoming a bitter pathetic old person. Consider investing in a house next to a vacant lot. That way you can call the cops on kids that play there. (I believe this to be the favorite past time of bitter old people who never had kids.)

Anyway, how are the dogs?

Kendall
<redburn@braincore.com>

Thank you for the charming, uplifting note. I'm not sure which is worse, becoming a bitter pathetic old person, or maturing. I guess I should hope for misery, since it's my one and only key to success.

Who said anything about dogs?

Now get out of my yard before I call the cops.

Polly

Dear Polly,

Does Veronica the squirrel REALLY write the Temptation Island summary for Salon? I can't always tell when you're just joking. If she does, I'm not too surprised, I read her column and yours both regularly, and they have a lot in common. I don't even bother to watch the show.

No matter who wrote it, that line about Mandy being like a dog in a field of turds was pure genius.

Michael Kuberry
<mkuberry@zianet.com>

I can't always tell when I'm joking either, but yes, Veronica writes the Temptation Island summary on Salon. Her column and mine have a lot in common because she and I have a lot in common. I'm thinking about turning Polly into an angry little animal to make the synergy more complete. Plus, it'll put an end to all this absurd confusion between Polly the cartoon and Polly the real live evil human. The merchandising potential is certainly a lot better if I'm some kind of animal — that way, I can be made into a squeaky toy for your dog to tear to shreds. I'm thinking about maybe an angry little rat or a warthog...What do you think?

I figure things will have to get much more interesting once people are sending proposals of marriage to a warthog.

Warthog in a field of turds,

Polly

I'll premise this by saying that I didn't finish the article, just as far as the remarks about Andrew Sullivan. I was thrilled to see you take some much deserved pot shots at this prick. His bloated, pompous, and logically challenged articles are why I am not renewing my TNR subscription. His entire approach to his writing seems to be; 1) figure out what do people expect a gay hipster's opinion to be 2) write exactly the opposite opinion while trying to use the same set of facts/observations as in step 1, 3) logic or intelligence be damned! I am all for openmindedness and approaching issues from the stance of your opponents, but this guy does so with such a complete disregard for any coherence that I have tossed many a TNR straight in the trash after reading his drivel. Every time I see his writing I am reminded of a comic (can't remember which one) who, in reference to the Log Cabin Repuplicans, said in essence, "These guys political view is to disapprove of themselves". Actually, that kind of sounds like Suck. Hmmm...

Bradley Messmer
<bmessmer@nshs.edu>

I'll preface this by saying I didn't finish your message, but Sullivan earned my enmity when he referred to the Beirut Daily Star as a "vicious" paper. Anybody who has ever looked at that publication knows it's one of the tamest and dullest papers in this solar system or any other. That is, if it is the Daily Star he's referring to, since in his weblog he also managed to get the paper's title wrong. On that evidence, I'd say there's a strong probability old Sullie issued his expert opinion without ever glancing at the paper. Hell, I'll bet the big phony can't even name all five Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary.

yr pal,

Magua

Your article on the likes of Andrew Sullivan has valid points. But I must note that in your haste to take a swipe at what the World Wide Web has wrought you missed an important fact: The Web has actually produced some good writers. Writers who would otherwise not get a chance at exposure, success as writers, etc.

Should you be interested in such things, please drop me a line. I will point you to one or two URLs where you can find interesting efforts literary.

Thank you for your time.

Until next time. . .

Jim Hess
<jchess@frii.com>

Thanks, Jim. It never occured to us that there was good writing on the Web. Who could imagine such a thing. Hang on to those URLs, though, 'cause, well, it's the hunt that's the thrilling part, y'know?

Magua

Thanks for promoting my site, readjacobs.com. I was flattered to be called a "celebrity'' weblogger and to be equated with Mickey Kaus and Andrew Sullivan, whose work I enjoy.

I did take a look at the 10 QuickReads on my page to see how many mentioned me. Other than the test-taking bit cited by Suck, there's nothing personal. It seems a bit dry and distant. I'll have to up my references to my trans-Atlantic flights, famous friends and minor illnesses.

-- Joanne Jacobs

From Plastic

If I knew what it took to become a celebrity, do you think I'd be here, Joanne? But be of good cheer: That little "whose work I enjoy" is priceless. I've got a hunch you'll be a Good Friend of these fellas in no time.

yr Good Friend,

Magua

The dearth of unexpressed thought has been apparent at least as long as Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? has been on. "Well, I know Paris isn't the capital of Germany because my wife and I and our friends went there once and we ate nothing but Italian food." Why, I even wrote about it at, ah... my own site.

Aaron

From Plastic

I'm surprised those hammy excogitations on Millionaire haven't sent up any flags about game fixing. As I understand it, these phony-baloney displays of rumination were what Jack Barry and the gang coached 21 contestants to put on in order to convince audiences they were really giving the whole matter a good think. Given that nobody on earth actually goes through this process, especially out loud, I've always been a little suspicious of these ostentatious musings.

yr pal,

Magua