for 6 April 2001. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

Terry Colon
Art Director

Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

Joey Anuff
Publisher

Subject: Convert to common sense

I am an adept of Suck and think your articles are great. But I do feel the tip to "Convert to Islam" note to be way offline. Your article states that "If our religion forbids us to look at images in the first place, we won't have to worry about paying an artist at all".

I think this is a very misleading statement as to what exactly Islam bans: It bans the visual representation of holy figures (i.e. icons, statues, etc...). But Islam does not ban "looking at images." Doesn't Suck have some sort of a "fact double checking department"?? Perhaps not, the employees of that department might have been sacked with this new cost reduction policy you are adopting. So instead of Suck converting to Islam, it might as well convert to common sense — I hear it saves a lot of money in the long run. It might actually come as a surprise to you that I am a Christian, but I still wouldn't tolerate any unrightful diffamation for any other religion.

Sincerely,

Tarek Chemaly
<tarekchemaly@postmark.net>

Good to hear from you, Tarek, and good on you for promoting inter-confessional harmony in the Republic of Lebanon. Last I saw, Patriarch Nasrallah Sfei and Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah were in a battle of the Nasrallahs over Sfei's repeated calls for Syria to leave. Increase the peace!

Sadly, Mr. Briggs appears to have missed his comparative religion classes at Brown, and we hope his comments won't be taken too literally.

yr pal,

bartel

I guess it's a little late for an IPO, huh?

Robert James
<rjames@infrastructureworld.com>

Guess so.

bartel

BarTel d'Arcy?

About this "Cost Minus" thing.

Yesh, yesh...

I see "Thermidor", but "Thermador"?! With an 'a'?!!

www.thermador.com (annoying website, btw) belongs to a company that makes "cooking appliances".

...or at least they claim to. Their official corporate history (a revisionist whitewash?) doesn't say much about storming the Bastille. In fact, their CONSISTENT REFUSAL to mention those grim events looks a bit...SUSPICIOUS, no?

So anyway, it's "Thermidor", no 'a', and to hell with it. If I'm the 5000th reader to complain about this, do I get a special prize? Do I at least get a prize for not abusing the oven connection to make cretinous cake-eating jokes?

Then again, it was probably Terry's error; if so, I'll have to forgive him.

Your Humble Navigator,

Rev. Alistair Glarf
<wharfinger@hotmail.com>

Thanks for your assistance, Reverend. Have a nice Germinal.

bartel

Subject: bad german translation

Bartel.

nice piece (march 30). I especially liked the bit about using german because they link words together. In fact, i often tell a german friend of mine this. so as a good laugh i send this friend of mine your paragraph showing how german is shorter... and he tells me the german phrase is not the same a the english...

you wrote

english: The straightforward architecture of this townhouse with passageway to the rear is a must for all N cities.

german: Schlichtes, jedoch elegantes Stadthaus mit Durchfarhrt zum Hinterhof.

BUT... the real translation seems to be : simple, but elegant cityhouse with passageway to the rear alley.

You are still kind of right.. the english sentence is still longer than the german (by 2 words).

In the end though, good research into your article.

Roderick
<rbarrass@hotmail.com>

Unfortunately, Mr. Briggs missed his German language courses at Brown. As noted in the piece, both the German and the translation are taken directly from the box for a model railroad. Blame the Pola corporation.

bartel

Oh, how clever and sneaky to bash the Mac the one day of the week that Terry doesn't illustrate your site.

Kris Hunt
<krishunt@mac.com>

Hmm. Looks like you, ah, figured out our agenda. No Terry, Mac-bashing! Of course! We're sure there must be a connection in there somewhere.

Sucksters

Cngratulations on the journalistic integrity of not repeating the "cram it, clowny" story, which would seem to be one of those too-good-to-be true urban myths. The end of Bozo is more than just a tale we oldsters can tell each other to mask the noises of our arteries hardening. Yes, Bozo was the avatar of Krusty and John W. Gacy ("Pogo the Clown--I'm called "Pogo," because I'm Polish, and I'm always on the go!"-- Gacy.) But in the way Larry Harmon franchised the clownster, checking up on the different Bozos of America and coming down with fierce vengeance and grim retribution on those who mocked the presence...we can also see that Bozo spawned Ronald McDonald. God, how I longed to be on the LA Bozo show to take home some of those Bozo Jams and Jellies the buffoon was pawning off on the loser kids as door prizes ("You want a door prize? There's the door!"--Bozo.) A creature of infinite jest. (It was great visiting Ft. Wayne, Indiana a few years back just to watch as much of the Chicago Bozo as I could stand on WGN a few years ago. Didn't think he had the chops of the LA Bozo c. 1962, but you know, in those days the sun was always shining, the women were all chastely-clad, and the milk didn't go sour as fast as it does now, you goddamn kids, harrumph, zzzz, snore.)

Awash in nostalgia,

Richard von Busack

PS--whatever happened to Hobo Kelly? Sheriff John supposedly got kicked off his show for flipping off the advertisers, though this one's as hard to prove as the "cram it, clowny" story.

Richard Von Busack
<regisgoat@earthlink.net>

I know nothing of this Sheriff John. But the other day this Suckster spent half an hour arguing with a guy in a bar who kept insisting that Mr. Greenjeans was busted as a child molester. The dumbass just couldn't keep the story straight: Everybody knows Mr. Greenjeans was Zappa's dad.

Sucksters

can't help but notice the utne reader-like, not so veiled (and multiple) references to suck's need for funding. what gives? and yes, comparing utne and suck is a tad insulting to you. sorry.

rob zand
<rzand@bellatlantic.net>

Oh, we're just trying to pick up a little of that Utne-ish, quasi-charity case mojo, preparatory to launching our new radio show "This American Suck." Please send money. Or better yet, donate your used car. We'll arrange to pick it up, running or not in most cases!

Sucksters

Good thought about mac and unix users hating one another. Although a better classification would be the pure distain unix users have to anyone possessing such a paucity of computer knowledge that they would require a visual interface.

Usability? That is for weaklings.

And another classic: "that particular spectacle of our age — nostalgia for something you don't actually remember." I am rarely nostalgic for anything that I can remember.

heavyC
<cameron@slip.net>

Saturday Night Live pretty much locked up digital snob comedy with that "Your company's computer guy" sketch (which, curiously, never seemed to catch on around the water cooler, although I always thought it was one of their best recent characters).

But secondhand nostalgia may actually be worthy of an entire Suck article of its own. JFK's funeral, the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, VJ Day, the signing of the Magna Carta... these are the most memorable moments of my life.

Sucksters